Let’s cut through the b.s. of dating advice out there…
I mean – let’s face it…
There are so many surface siren calls…
“Three magic words that make him never look at another woman.”
“The super-duper hypnotic text that makes him propose.”
“What socks to wear to drive your woman wild in bed.”
All of it.
It’s marketing from money-grubbers posing as experts.
You want to be loved?
You want to be desired?
You want to be VALUED?
Well here’s some non-b.s. dating advice from a few centuries ago…
From a Sufi mystic…
“Go find yourself first so
you can also find me.”
Doesn’t that feel better?
Doesn’t that feel TRUE?
But not your surface self.
Not even your social self.
Here’s what I’m talking about…
There are three “core gifts” you can bring a love partner…
One comes from the places where you are moved most emotionally.
One comes from the places where you hurt the most deeply.
One comes from the places where you are most deeply inspired.
You don’t find, excavate and offer the gifts hidden in these profound places in your humanity by “whispering 3 magic words” or by sending “this hypnotic text.”
Come on a REAL journey with me and find yourself so you can find the lover, the partner, the noble man you deserve.
They are drawn from this month’s book, Deeper Dating, by Ken Page.
I humbly urge you to join us – the hundreds of men and women learning together from the best books and research in the world…
Growing profoundly more loving and lovable.
The time for surface b.s. has ended.
The time for real love, real connection – the realest and most luminous, irresistible you has arrived.
The best decision you will ever make.
So every week in the Smart Dater’s Academy – we explore specific and actionable steps that get you, oh, little things like…
3: Sensual Passion
- Profound Connection with an Intimate Partner
- Inner Freedom and the Ability to Love Without Holding Back.
The little things in life.
Now – to get there – here’s something I want you to think about hard:
As in REAL hard…
Because this is the KEY to your love life happiness…
“Intimacy is the ability to share your inner world
with a partner – without fear. TRUE intimacy
begins with self-awareness and FREEDOM
from unconscious habits and automaton behavior.”
That is THE principle I am operating on.
And it means you can’t have LOVE…
… without real self-awareness.
So today I just want to give you 10 questions to ask yourself daily that I adapted from Kyle Cease – the fascinating dude who turned his stand- up comedy career into what I would call a “comedy of awakening” career.
[take the actions in the parenthesis to turn thought into your actual life.]
1: What action can I take that would take me beyond my old stories of who I am?
(When you sense an answer, do it immediately before you chicken out)
2: What can I let go now of that is slowing down my enjoyment of life?
(Then let go of it. And keep letting go over and over if it’s stubborn).
3: What and who can I forgive? Maybe holding onto it is just keeping me angry?
(Then forgive it. For real.)
- What would be amazing to do that I have never done before?
(Then actually do it.)
5: What can I give today that will bring me joy?
(Then give it).
6: What about my emotions will I feel and accept today?
(Then actually sit with yourself for a while and be the love and patience your old story was trying to get from your parents.)
7: What does silence want to tell me today?
(Then shut up and listen for a long time).
8: What can I appreciate?
(Then write down a list of at least 20 things. Bonus: do this every morning and every night before sleep)
9: What habit would I love to have for life?
(Then do it each day for at least 50 days in a row)
- What is actually happening right now?
(Then pay attention to you body being alive – your breath rising and falling, your heartbeat, the weight of your limbs. Just you. Now. Pay attention as all your anxieties about the past and future dissolve. Enjoy the clearing. Open up to insight about who you are right now.
To allow for intimacy with another person – you MUST first have intimacy with yourself.
You must know what is going on under the surface.
What fears? What yearnings? What hopes?
Come back to the moment right now.
Create the life you want.
So you can share it.
I teach the REAL SH*T every week in the Smart Daters Academy.
If you want the skills that make you irresistible and happy?
There are over 400 men and women in this group, and counting
To Your Boldest Life of Love!
To become a man, the boy has to die.
That is why warrior and indiginous societies required vision-quests and rough initiations.
I’ve seen 10 year old Amazonian boys sinking their arms shoulder deep into nests of poisonous, stinging ants. Their arms blow up like fresh baked bread.
Boys are kidnapped by men in the middle of the night and taken to the forest or desert wastelands and left there among predators to find their way home.
They insure that something must die so that something new may be born.
That’s why in most great stories, the hero dies before he can achieve his destiny.
Luke Skywalker had to “die” in the garbage compactor before he could destroy the death star.
Frodo had to die by the sword (twice I think) before he could penetrate Mt. Doom and return the ring.
It is the warrior part of you that allows you to march directly into your fear and “die”… before you are reborn a stronger, better man.
If we resist “killing” what makes us weak or unfulfilled, we drift all our lives until our slobbering, tottering, brittle, weeping, regretful dotage.
What Dies in Our Lives?
That’s one I see all the time with my coaching clients.
When you step into the fire, the fire burns hesitancy away and you make your clear choice.
One of my private coaching clients who wanted to build a coaching practice himself, called me, unable to decide to put down roots and “settle down” as he put it, or stay a vagabond where he has to work construction to pay his bills.
I stood him in the fire and made him decide.
I reframed “settling down” into “building a foundation” for his coaching business, which would allow him to travel all he wants in a year or so.
His belief that not traveling was “settling down.” His attachment to uncertainty and drifting. His fear of actually building a real business…
…which would force him to do the work he needs to do to live the life he actually desires.
What was born?
A new man. Clarity. Action. And a whole new group of people who could now be served by this incredibly talented and well-trained man.
What else has to die for us to be reborn?
Here are some of the common ones I see among my fire-loving coaching students….
“My belief that I am not “good enough” to deserve, date and love a great woman.”
“My belief that I can’t commit to a great woman because my relationships have failed before.”
“My belief that I cannot love one woman because I’ve gotten too good at flirting with and seducing women.”
Here’s the real truth – and I hope you find it exciting…
The boy in us dies over and
over and over again…
… and the man in us emerges stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger over time.
….. but only IF… we allow ourselves to stand in the fire and ask ourselves…
“What has to die?”
You might be thinking…
“Okay Adam, that’s great in theory, but
what about you? What’s had to die for you?”
Here’s a couple of big ones…
1: To love one woman, I had to let die of the ego-boost of the attention of lots of women (it was harder than I expected).
2: To start taking men on powerful, relentless and transformative coaching journeys around the world (we take off for the Greek Islands next week), I had to let die the belief that I didn’t have the wisdom, tools and experience to launch men into utter and lasting change.
What About You?
What has to die for you to be reborn into the EXTRAORDINARY man you say you want to be?
What has to die for you to rise to the next level?
What needs to die?
It is the Warrior within you that will make the changes you want…
And your Inner Warrior, like is true for most of us, is asleep.
Or distracted. Or sitting down while you go through your daily routines.
But your Warrior is waiting for you to call him up into action.
To KILL what needs to be killed…
… so something new in you can be born.
10 men are gathering with me in Los Angeles on September 30 – Oct 2nd to awaken their warrior.
To kill what needs to be killed.
To birth in them what is SCREAMING to be birthed.
This is a private and elite gathering.
It’s not one of my inexpensive intro’s.
If you feel called to make a HUGE change in your life…
If you need to kill something in you so that something new in you may be born, then you can apply.
I have 2 spots left.
If you fill out the application well, I will call you.
We will talk.
We will find out what needs to die.
What needs to be born.
And you and I will start working together toward that.
We will be RELENTLESS.
And I will work with you beyond the weekend if you choose until you make the change you are committed to making.
As you read these words now, you already know if you are called or not.
If not, all good. This isn’t your time.
If you feel the call – then shake your Warrior on the shoulder. Sharpen your sword. Strap on your boots.
Visualize what’s on the other side of the fire…
You’ll be hearing more about this from me.
I’m in the fire right now.
This isn’t play.
This is life.
To Your Best and Boldest Life,
p.s. Here’s an outline of what we will be doing on this Warrior Weekend…
1. We are going to learn from an Israeli Special Forces officer who trains American Marines how to disarm attackers. You will know how to protect yourself. Your woman. Your loved ones.
2. We are going to shoot gnarly guns and learn how to handle them. Just in case.
3. We are going to explore and awaken your INNER WARRIOR – and apply it to your inner life, your women, your business, your purpose and your bullshit (don’t worry – mine too!) We are all holding back.
4. We are going to work with Very Special Women who will clue you into the yearning feminine archetypes around your Warrior. What they crave. What they grieve. What turns them on.
5. You will clarify your warrior goals and qualities.
6. You will re-set your life – women, business, edge – with new clarity.
7. We will have a kick-ass time.
8. You will access GREATNESS.
I want your warrior.
Time to burn away what doesn’t serve you.
We’re in the fire.
Let’s play hard.
Men are mad.
Well, young men are mad.
Specifically men who don’t have access to women. Who don’t feel connected to them. Who don’t feel attractive. Who aren’t having sex with women.
Older guys – bodies less drenched with testosterone – are a little more resigned than angry. It’s one of the few gifts of age.
Men – often young but older too – troll and harass women online.
Call them b*tches and sl*ts and wh*res and c*nts.
They send scalding and cruel messages on dating sites when women don’t reply to their emails – more than you might imagine.
And sometimes – again now in Oregon – they find guns and shoot people so they can finally feel important. The shooter? He said girls at school didn’t respond to him well, so…
I want to share a reminder…
We are here in my learning community because we LOVE women.
We cherish them.
We delight in their delight.
We love making them laugh.
We love helping them break through their own limitations, as we break through our own.
We love making them come – over and over again.
We love their warm bodies.
We love their loving hearts.
We love them even when their own pain and wounds send up shields to us.
We love them right through their pain.
Even when it feels like “rejection” to us.
Our hearts can remain wide open.
And our courage is deep.
Our boldness is infinite – if we choose to access it.
As men, our ability to open wider as love is available to us every single moment that we are breathing…
And we can choose to open wider over and over and over again…
Not just because that “gets us girls” (which it does)…
Not just because it makes us admirable and supremely attractive men (which it does)…
Not because it’s the “spiritual” thing to do (which it is)…
But when we open as love through our own pain – and through the pain of others – that becomes who we are….
We BECOME ever-opening love.
Which is a helluva thing to be…
And we thereby CREATE our own lives – moment by moment – from that place of internally generated love.
No one can turn off your ability to love and bring laughter, intrigue, flirtation and depth except for you.
As an individual men.
At the wheel of your own ship.
We just keep on bringing it.
Night and day.
In joy and in grief.
Refusing to close our hearts.
Not mistaking women’s pain for our own limitations.
Not assuming that any woman or anyone owes us ANYTHING at all.
Even though we secretly wish they did.
You are the engine of your reality.
Every day – you and I get to decide where we want to point that engine.
Into anger, blame or giving up.
Or toward a deeper and wider and boundless love…
No matter what arises.
This is where true masculine power lies.
When we do this, we become the hope for humanity.
Men: I love your strength and your willingness to keep your engines burning and your nose pointed toward love.
I need you. Women need you.
You need you.
p.s. if you have thoughts about this – please write me personally at www.Facebook.com/
When I teach women, I teach them to trust a man by his actions, not his words.
Because you and I know that a guy will say just about anything to get into her sweet little panties. To win her favor. To be liked and admired.
Women mistrust us – and in some ways, they should.
But should you trust women? When should you? When should you not?
Until we prove ourselves trustworthy.
In my online dating program, Deep Online Attraction, I (of course) give you lots of ways to establish trust right there in your profile…
- Talk about your sisters, if you have them, and use their first names.
- Talk about the men you admire and the trustable qualities you admire about them (you win by association.)
- Set up a high bar to qualify women who will write you – say things like “Honesty and integrity are cornerstones of my life, and if you are inclined to write me, please hold the same values in the same high regard.” Or “Only honest, open, considerate and kind women welcome. I value women who are kind to all and snooty to none.”
Again – you win by association with those values – and you win because you are taking the “prize” position and creating qualifiers and filters.
Now here’s the thing…
Should you trust women?
I hear men – usually the most frustrated men – calling women catty, b*tches, BBD girls (bigger, better, deal) etc…
They say girls only go online for a free dinner, 5 nights a week (it happens).
They say girls don’t know themselves, that they are flakes, that they are entitled, that they are rude etc…
And it happens with guys too.
And some girls.
This is important – because if you start cultivating those negative opinions about SOME women, they will start to color your attitude toward ALL women.
And you will destroy anything you spark with the really quality women of the world.
We live in a culture of distraction and overwhelm.
If I thought about all the crap on E! and Bravo! And 100 other channels, then I would never be able to concentrate on Breaking Bad or True Detective (yes, season one) or The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt.
It’s the same with women.
Don’t let the bad ones spoil your appreciation and love for women in general.
Women are more transparent by their speech – if they sh*t talk men, or other women early on when you meet them – you have to decide if you want this flow of negativity in your life. No matter what she looks like.
If she cancels on you last minute and doesn’t profusely apologize, walk on. She doesn’t value you and won’t value you.
If you trawl the bars and clubs, you’re less likely to meet the quality of woman who is doing a 10K run for leukemia, or volunteering at the animal shelter, or building schools in India, or mentoring girls, or building her own business.
Go where the fishing is good.
And in your conversation and online profile, use bait that attracts in women who are loving, wholehearted, kind, thoughtful, passionate and good.
Here at The Higher Game, we LOVE women.
We love them for the way they love us (god help their souls). For their beauty and their softness and their sexiness. For the way they nurture each other and children and pets and their elders. We love them for their creativity and lightness, and daffiness and fierceness.
And when we come across a woman who is a flake or a tease or a money-grabber or just mean – we say to ourselves, “this one is on a longer journey of healing than others.”
And we bless her and wish her well.
We do this not for her, but for our own hearts as men, as warriors, as protectors, as lovers.
So we keep our hearts clean and whole and open and powerful and loving.
So when that astounding beauty who is a fountain of love and passion and laughter walks into our lives…
… she discovers a man who stands ready to meet her. Lead her. Love her. Inspire her. And walk her into her greater magnificence.
Do it for you.
Hey I want to say something important to you about how things have changed in the last few years.
There’s no more hiding.
In the early 2000’s, the PUA movement was underground, experimental and covered the spectrum from innovative and funny – to disgusting and demeaning.
In cultural time, this might as well have been centuries ago.
Today, we live in a world of Facebook and Youtube and Google – and there is no more hiding.
Happiness is a seductive tyrant.
We are the only country in the world that has “happiness” built into our national founding documents.
Most of humanity, and most of history, is little more a struggle to survive. To create a modicum of health and security. To create a stable rule of law.
But in our slap-happy country, we are told we have the right to pursue happiness!
Hey there. So…
Like you, I never stop learning…
And this weekend I’m in Boulder, Co. at the first ever Success 3.0 Summit where we are exploring what it means…
… to be a SUCCESSFUL HUMAN BEING…
What it means…
to be happy
to be self-expressed
to find your UNIQUE voice
to find your UNIQUE source of joy
to give your UNIQUE gifts…
to contribute to this world
.. and of course, how to share that with someone in real intimacy.
So here we are, you and me…
You are right there.
I’ve packed my bags, left my beloved hot tub, my hauntingly dry mountaintop just outside L.A. and am writing to you from between two babies on a cramped plane on the way to Boulder.
And I want you to know why I’m doing this to myself:
It has to do with your happiness – and your WHOLE being…
Last night I spoke on stage to about 200 men and women on how to date and connect deeply and intelligently.
Also with me were my good buddy David Wygant and my stellar makeover coach Kim Seltzer who was so amazing at the NYC ACI event, along with some matchmakers.
I loved it – and could have spoken for 24 hours straight because the men and women there were REALLY SERIOUS about figuring dating, love and intimacy out.
And I had a powerful realization I wanted to share with you because I think it will make a big difference for you…