Men are mad.
Well, young men are mad.
Specifically men who don’t have access to women. Who don’t feel connected to them. Who don’t feel attractive. Who aren’t having sex with women.
Older guys – bodies less drenched with testosterone – are a little more resigned than angry. It’s one of the few gifts of age.
Men – often young but older too – troll and harass women online.
Call them b*tches and sl*ts and wh*res and c*nts.
They send scalding and cruel messages on dating sites when women don’t reply to their emails – more than you might imagine.
And sometimes – again now in Oregon – they find guns and shoot people so they can finally feel important. The shooter? He said girls at school didn’t respond to him well, so…
I want to share a reminder…
We are here in my learning community because we LOVE women.
We cherish them.
We delight in their delight.
We love making them laugh.
We love helping them break through their own limitations, as we break through our own.
We love making them come – over and over again.
We love their warm bodies.
We love their loving hearts.
We love them even when their own pain and wounds send up shields to us.
We love them right through their pain.
Even when it feels like “rejection” to us.
Our hearts can remain wide open.
And our courage is deep.
Our boldness is infinite – if we choose to access it.
As men, our ability to open wider as love is available to us every single moment that we are breathing…
And we can choose to open wider over and over and over again…
Not just because that “gets us girls” (which it does)…
Not just because it makes us admirable and supremely attractive men (which it does)…
Not because it’s the “spiritual” thing to do (which it is)…
But when we open as love through our own pain – and through the pain of others – that becomes who we are….
We BECOME ever-opening love.
Which is a helluva thing to be…
And we thereby CREATE our own lives – moment by moment – from that place of internally generated love.
No one can turn off your ability to love and bring laughter, intrigue, flirtation and depth except for you.
As an individual men.
At the wheel of your own ship.
We just keep on bringing it.
Night and day.
In joy and in grief.
Refusing to close our hearts.
Not mistaking women’s pain for our own limitations.
Not assuming that any woman or anyone owes us ANYTHING at all.
Even though we secretly wish they did.
You are the engine of your reality.
Every day – you and I get to decide where we want to point that engine.
Into anger, blame or giving up.
Or toward a deeper and wider and boundless love…
No matter what arises.
This is where true masculine power lies.
When we do this, we become the hope for humanity.
Men: I love your strength and your willingness to keep your engines burning and your nose pointed toward love.
I need you. Women need you.
You need you.
p.s. if you have thoughts about this – please write me personally at www.Facebook.com/
You know it already – but if you are like most women, you forget it at key moments…
Men feel love – they “process” love – they “understand” love – differently than you do.
Tell me if this sounds familiar…
If you’re like most women, you begin to feel love blooming with a man when…
1: You feel a genuine connection – when you sense that he is unmasked and authentic and vulnerable and you feel safe to be the same way with him.
2. When you feel genuinely “seen” for the woman you have worked hard to become through thick and thin – and you feel appreciated by a man for the happiness and equanimity and self-respect you have achieved in your life, often through overcoming adversity.
3. When you feel “cherished” by a man, which includes (1) being adored for your loving heart, (2) respected for your mind and needs and (3) being made to feel physically and emotionally safe.
Sound about right? When I teach men how to win the right woman’s heart for the long term, I begin them with these three steps. And I give them the practices to make these beautiful feelings “real” – first for them – then for you.
But just as men have to remember that, as a breathing incarnation of feminine love, you need to be treated and cherished a certain way, so too must you remember, if you want to create lasting love, to treat and honor a man in a certain way.
Let’s dig in here for a moment – as this is a good introduction to the path into intimacy I teach in Intimacy University…
Men don’t need to made physically safe by you. They don’t need their “loving heart” recognized right away – although your recognition, once he trusts and values you, will help grow his loving heart (but until then, it won’t matter if you say it.)
Most men process “love” not so much by feeling as if they belong or are valued for their past or their heart but through three very specific filters.
If you can communicate your affection for the right man through these filters, he will hear you in ways men have never heard you before – and you will have a far greater likelihood of creating the conditions for a genuine love connection – one that will last beyond the initial “chemistry” phase.
Here are there three most important filters through which men usually understand and feel “love” from you:
Men’s Love Filter #1: Men Feel Status as Love
Men are fairly binary.
In any situation, in any game, a man feels that he is either “winning” or “losing.”
Baldly stated – if he feels he is winning with you, or can win with you, or you give him the right invitation so he knows it’s even possible to win with you – he will more likely try harder to be the man who earns and wins your heart.
I often speak of the 13 Victories men look for when they first meet a woman – and these are “make-or-break” signals you are giving off that alert him if this is a place where he can be his best – and win.
If you give the wrong signals, the best men will move on to be with someone who will support his best self. Where he will feel like a “winner” in life by having a girlfriend or wife who acknowledges and rewards him for being the good man that he is.
The opposite – a woman who takes him to task for not being what he is not – this is the worst kind of “losing” for a man on a day to day basis. It will crush his spirit and spin him into shame.
Men’s Love Filter #2: His “Body” Is The Bridge to His Heart
Too often women (and men) confuse the impact of the feminine on the masculine body as mere “sex.”
Not true. Your fragrance, your touch, your softness, the sweet electricity that runs through our men’s body’s when your loving hand caresses our heads, rests on our chests or gently strokes our forearms opens up entire circuits of emotional feelings for us. Circuits that often shut down until you open them.
It’s been said that the way to a woman’s body is through her heart. Until you trust and feel adored by a man, you generally don’t want to share your body with a man.
Well for a man, it’s pretty much the opposite.
The way to a man’s heart, to open his vaults of feeling and vulnerability, often only happens through his body.
Your body AMPLIFIES your emotional reality to us, and if you don’t use the full symphony of your body, men will often remain in a heady “tete-a-tete” with you and not be able to access our hearts.
And you will not feel a genuine connection. I can show you multiple ways to elicit a man’s “true and vulnerable” self through the bridge of his body.
Men’s Love Filter #3: Appreciation For His Actions
Too often women write off men’s need to feel “important” as mere ego. And yes, sometimes men operate on that surface level.
But what is operating beneath that level – and more consciously for the best men – is that men quietly yearn (even suffer) to be somebody’s “hero.”
In exact opposition to most young girls’ fairy tale hopes, men don’t want to be
your “Prince.” No man wants to be a boy. A son. Someone waiting to be King.
A real man wants, instead, to be your “knight.” He wants to feel as if he is doing battle to win your heart and deepen your devotion. He might be trying to be your hero by making a living, or fighting for a high purpose, a charity, a principle. He might be doing it in big ways by being of public service or in the smallest ways by changing your light bulbs, holding your umbrella or installing safety tape on your rainy back stairs.
In all these cases and a thousand more I will show you, he is literally seeking a reason to live. A reason for being.
And, as I show you how to do this – you’ll be well served to cultivate his heroic yearning…
It breaks my heart to watch so many budding romances collapse before they could take wing.
It breaks my heart to read your letters every day about lost opportunity and love weakened and lost.
It breaks my heart to read men’s letters to me almost every day asking why they can’t “connect with” or “be understood” by women.
Men and women are talking past each other – and ending up alone.
I want you to join me for “Intimacy University” where I show you step-by-step how to attract, open up, connect deeply with and cultivate the heroic devotion of only the BEST men out there.
The men who are seeking a woman to be a hero for. Who are seeking a harbor. A home.
If you have these “inside” secrets to invite the best of men into the best of committed, devotional relationship, you will not only have the love you seek, but you will bask in his gratitude and his devotion every day.
Because he will feel, in the game of life, he has finally won!
To Your Life of Love,
Why does anybody lie?
Because they are afraid of something. Actually they are afraid of two specific things.
And when we are afraid of these things, love and commitment is impossible.
Almost every day, I hear from women who ask why men lie on their profiles – about their age, their weight, even their marital status!
Because my goal is to alert you to the “red flags” of the wrong men, and to become a connoisseur of the “green flags” that the right men put out, let me tell you a few things that will help.
Crucial Tip #1: Not All Men Lie
Some men lie. Some women lie. I want you to never approach a date or a profile with the frame that “I suspect you are a liar.” That is one of the biggest turn-offs a man can experience from you.
Remember – as I’ve been driving home these last few days, men want to be your hero. If he is not a liar, if he is not sinned against you, your suspicion will feel like a dagger to his good will toward you. It will drive him back and away. So you always want to assume the best of the man before you. Innocent until proven guilty.
Now, you and I weren’t born yesterday, so we know we must still be alert. To give your heart and body to a man, you need to trust him.
Trust is the ground floor in the edifice of love.
That is why in Intimacy University, I give you small, almost imperceptible “tests” and “invitations” to bring out his truthfulness and authenticity. Asked right, men reveal their true selves. Asked wrong, men retreat into their defenses.
Crucial Tip #2: Men Lie Because of Shame
Listen closely, because this one fact can change your entire relationship to men…
Male shame is different than female shame. Because women generally glean your self-worth by the love, bonds and affection from your social and family networks, shame is not that big a deal to you. Lack of love hurts much more than a lack of “status” or “respect.”
For men, it’s the opposite. Because our social networks tend to be smaller, because our self-worth is grounded in our status, in our sense of winning (and not losing!), because we are acutely and painfully aware of “failing” in even the smallest ways, we tend to guard our faults and flaws.
Once he trusts you, he will reveal his vulnerabilities and inner doubts. But PLEASE don’t expect him to do that up front. Just as you need to trust him, he needs to trust you before he risks his inner feelings of “shame.”
I ask men in my work with them to be forgiving of you because you need to test their trustworthiness in a many ways – and I urge them to welcome your loving challenge.
So too I ask you to be forgiving of men if they hold back their self-doubts up front. Once he trusts that you will not judge or scorn him for “being human,” you will receive the treasures of his vulnerable and true heart
To learn more about how to do this, please watch this Webinar I just recorded for you…
Crucial Tip 3: Men Lie to Themselves [And Don’t Realize It Until You Come Along]
This is actually one of the greatest gifts you can give a man…
To help him see what he can’t – or wont – see on his own. Namely all the little lies he tells himself to keep his ship moving forward. This isn’t an evil. It isn’t an endemic and fatal flaw. It’s his way of keeping his chin up.
Think of men as “weary warriors.” Out there all day trying to “get ahead.” Involved in subtle, painful status games with his co-workers, his colleagues, bosses and employees. Feeling rejected by women who don’t give him a second look.
Most men are on a mission of some kind, even if it’s to make ends meet or try to do an honorable job.
A man is like a ship plying the waters of the world. That ship is going somewhere, and if the captain has to ignore the little leaks or paper them over in order to keep the ship moving toward its goal – he will.
It is often only in the loving embrace of a good woman that a man can stop and look at those leaks and really deal with them in a spirit of safety, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.
If you can be THAT woman – he will be so deeply grateful to you, that he probably will not want to let you go.
Commitment and devotion are HEALING processes. Let me show you how to heal the good man who deserves your heart – and in the process, heal your own heart as well.
I have compiled a “graduate school” level program called Intimacy University where you will learn all the secrets and practices of being THAT AMAZING WOMEN that all good men yearn for.
You can learn more about it and join me for this 5-week program here….
Or you can watch this replay webinar I made for you which explains more deeply what is blocking you from finding the right man for you and inviting him successfully into commitment and devotion.
I want you to walk… actually, to dance!… into a life of love with a good man.
The lessons and practices you will find in Intimacy University are your “magic key” – because they put you inside the mind of the best men – and teach you how to cultivate the love they are holding within into a lifelong appreciation and love for you.
To Your Life of Love,
Yesterday, I began to explain to you the exquisite process of inviting a man into his deepest desire, which is to be a HERO for a woman who supports, appreciates and loves him.
Without someone to love us and celebrate our wins – our lives feel arid and empty. Despite the show we put on that we feel proud and great. Returning to an empty house but not a true “home” with you is a plummet downward. And ultimately, sad.
But here’s the crucial thing I need you to know: men do NOT want to be your hero right away.
If you ask him to be a hero in your profile or on a first date, you will send him running. It will feel like compulsion, or a demand. And most quality men do not want to feel “compelled” into commitment – they want to be INSPIRED into commitment.
Here’s the three-step process and I urge you to follow it in its natural order.
Step 1: Invitations
Don’t demand. Invite. Invite him, with your eyes, and gestures as well as with your words to do little things for you – pull out the chair, open the door, surprise you with a plan for dinner or an evening.
Step 2: Reward
Then, when he does the thing you’ve invited him to do – let him know emphatically that it is a “win” for him. Reward him. The best and most effective reward that a man can feel from you involves your body.
I don’t mean throw yourself at him and rip off his clothes. Although, yes, I guarantee he’ll open the door for you next time if you did.
I mean cuddle up close. Stroke his arm. Give him a hug or a warm, slow kiss on the cheek. Let him inhale your beautiful perfumes, your sweet warmth and presence. Men, despite, the cliché, don’t just want sex…
We crave your feminine presence – up close. It warms us. It inspires us. And most importantly, it shuts down our clickety-click brains for a few moments and awakens our hearts.
Step 3: Reinforcement
Follow your “reward” with words of appreciation. Let us know how our actions on your behalf make you feel. Tell him you “love it when a man knows how to lead” or “I love how safe you make me feel” or “I feel so honored and adored when you ask me about my children. It makes me feel close to you.” And yes touch his arm, stroke his hair, brush your fingers along his palm as you say this.
I can teach you how to open the hearts of men as well as invite them into being your hero and into commitment – and more importantly – devotion.
It is a process, not a thunderbolt.
I walk you along this process in more detail , here in this webinar – which you can watch now…
This webinar, and my Intimacy University holds the key for you to get men to feel – in their bodies as well as in their minds – what a treasure you are – and what a victory it would be for them to have you in their lives.
Not merely for a date or two. But for a lifetime.
Watch the video now. I think you’ll see what I mean…
This is the most powerful truth I can tell you about men and how to invite them into making a devotional commitment to you.
Tomorrow, I’m going to tell you something equally crucial about “why men lie” – or don’t lie.
Remember, Intimacy is a skill just like anything else important in life. Treat it seriously. That begins with this webinar. Take notes! But more important, take action! If you want to learn more about how to join me for Intimacy University – then please go here.
If you want to watch the webinar, go here: The 5 Obstacles To Commitment And How To Dissolve Them (Not The Men, The Obstacles)
I get it.
You’ve been dating. You’ve been frustrated. Men don’t seem to be recognizing you for the beautiful, kind, wise, sensual woman you actually are.
And yes, there’s a reason they’ve not “getting” you.
My mission is to end your frustration and end the cycle of heartbreak.
And one of the swiftest ways you can open the door on this new era of love and tenderness and passion in your life is to recognize – and work with – the deep truth that men are dying to be your hero.
Not all men – but the good ones.
Despite all our outer bluster and paraded “self-sufficiency” – most good men feel empty if they are not in service.
We don’t want to be your “Prince.” That’s for boys.
Men want to be your “Knight.”
We want to conquer the world for you. Achieve for you. Win your praise and admiration and reward.
As a 3nd Century sage once said of the masculine condition, “If I am only for me, who am I?”
The answer: “diddly-squat”
…although I don’t think that term was popular in the 3nd Century.
If you have been following me or know anything about Intimacy University, then you know that I am a kind of “translator” between men and women.
Men need to understand the language of your heart – and act upon your desire for safety, cherishment, solidity and reliability.
And you need to understand the language of men’s noble heart – so you can call it out and make it sing – for you!
In brief, men usually don’t “seek” commitment up front. What they are seeking is to discover if their life will be better with you or not. If your presence in their life will feel like a “win.”
And at the core of that win, they need to feel that you support, appreciate and will reward them for their “core mission” in life. That mission could be work, creating a happy family, serving a social or political ideal, craftsmanship or even simply making a good living and having someone to be proud of them for that.
On a primal level, men need to be your hero.
If he feels as if he is your hero, his devotion to you will be mighty.
If he feels as if he is failing at making you proud, he will move on to a woman who is better aligned to his striving to make his mark in the world.
There are three steps to bringing out the Heroic Nature of men, and I will discuss these in detail tomorrow.
If you want to learn the whole story about how your celebrating his heroic nature – even in its smallest expressions – will dissolve the fundamental OBSTACLES to commitment that most men face with you – then please watch the replay of our Webinar…
As you will see in this webinar, there are three specific steps to take.
And if you’ve seen this webinar already, and want to join me in Intimacy University (while we still offer the discount rate), you can join here: Join Intimacy University.
To Your Life of Love,
p.s. I can’t underline the importance of this process of culling the hero in a good man which invites him into lifelong devotion. Please watch the video and I think you’ll see what I mean…
Everybody wants to win the lottery.
Everybody wants to “Pass Go” and collect 200 dollars.
Everybody wants the big score, the EZ Pass, the doorman’s mitt on the small of your back as he guides you past the velvet rope.
Everybody wants the escalator ride up the stairway to Heaven.
It’s the dream of completion. The hope of that “click” that will make everything, once and for all, all right. And done. And safe. And easy.
This desire for the end of struggle drove Buddha to teach you to nimbly step outside the chatterbox cacophony of your mind, Moses to lay down some laws, Jesus to invite you to hop the express bus to the Kingdom of God, Marx to play the old switcheroo on who runs the factories – and now, a fairy-winged circus of dream-slingers to promise that if you only “visualize” hard enough – your magical “divine other-half” will appear out of the mist.
Zombies appear out of the mist, and psycho-killers, as far as I can tell from the movies.
But soul-mates do not.
You create them.
I don’t like how people hawk soul-mates the same way casinos dangle jackpots.
As a one-time hit. An anomaly. An “out.”
It’s a con, playing on your hope and waiting for the dealer to flip you the winning hand.
I don’t like the idea of soul-mates.
Can you tell?
For the obvious reasons above – that it suggests a pre-destined fixed-deck. Which makes you the hapless rube at the card table of love. Which means you get to sit there and fantasize about collect your winnings.
I am not a fan of passive living.
I am not a fan of any habit that puts you in the mind of powerlessness and deservedness and privilege and entitlement.
I am not a fan of Calvinist pre-destination, nor of the Platonic/Kabalistic/Gnostic mythology of the original human being a four-armed, four-legged androgyne, something so whole that the gods or God had to split it, for fear of being matched or challenged.
These proto soul-mate mythologies leave us, as men and women, eternally seeking our “other half.”
I don’t like it, but I understand it.
And I feel it, too! Often!
I feel that rush of “this is it!” when I scan the “favorite books” section of an online dating profile and all our favorite authors match up – Neruda, Vonnegut, Twain, Hitchens, Dylan Thomas…
Surely she and I are soulmates!
But there! On another profile – all our favorite crazy eclectic musicians click like paired DNA – Ella, Muse, Chopin, Leonard Cohen, Paul Simon, Coltrane, McCorkle….
The bliss of it! No doubt! She’s my soulmate!
The thing is – the wonderful thing is – if your heart is open, if your curiosity is great, if your enthusiasm for life abounds, potential soul-mates will keep skipping toward you out of the mist, far more attractive than the army of zombies that, for some reason, is the image that mists suggest to me.
They will just keep coming.
But who among will really be your “other half”?
Put another way, “how many shared authors, bands, beliefs, preferences, sexual kinks does it take to screw in a soul-mate?”
At what percentage point of “OMG!” do you so “click” into place like a divine zipper so that it feels like pre-destiny?
51%? 75?% 90%? 100% (as if that were possible among two evolved adults)
I have a radical answer to this.
It’s the wrong question.
My working hypothesis is that it’s far more useful to think of every person you encounter as your soul-mate.
I believe that it’s far more useful – and true and awakening – to peer right past the quirks and similarities and annoyances of every single person living on Earth and see them as your soul-mate.
Maybe you believe we were all created by one puppeteer God. I don’t. But I do know that we are all related. That we were once all wide-eyed children, allured to joy. That we all grieve our loved ones, and, quietly, our own winnowing years. That we delight to the same bejeweled sky when we can see the damned thing, and feel our souls soothed by the same tongue-touch of the seas on the ocean shore.
Most of the spiritual “giants” had it right. Love is everywhere and love is now.
It is available to you, if you choose to feel it in the eyes of the barrista at Starbucks, the nutcase sitting opposite you on the subway, the weary mother trying to tie her squirming toddler’s laces, the girl who broke your heart when you were 14, the man who betrayed you when you were 40, the child soldiers pressed into service in the Congo… soldiers everywhere, the shamed, the enraged, the flailing, the lost.
And I’ll tell you something…
The more you practice seeing, feeling – creating love — with every person on this Earth – as screwy, confused, deluded, yearning, lonely and annoying as they are – as, by the way, you and I are…
… then, when that lovely person wanders out of the mist who dreams dreams similar to yours, who wishes to create an intimate life similar to the intimate life you wish to create, and yes, who may read and listen to the same artists who craft those nuances who open your souls in the similar ways…
… when he or she appears before you…
… your heart will know that no matter how “special” or “unique” or “soul-matey” he or she seems to you, that that person is not some one-of-a-kind ace of spades thrown your way to complete your life’s royal flush…
…but simply another wanderer in the forest of life.
Even though you will feel, in the dizzying rush of hormonal ecstasy, that you have found your “mystical” other half…
… you will know that it’s not “game over,” or “bingo!” or “jackpot!”
Deep inside, you will know that your DNA can pretty much combine with anybody else’s DNA to create a perfect, wonder-bound infant.
Whether that infant is an actual new drooling human — or simply your new infant love, this new story of intimacy crawling forward, eyes-wide with wonder…
… you will know that it’s just a beginning.
You will know that if you take this person’s hand, you have the power – that you have the practiced and humbled and expanded heart – to create a path of your own through the dark glades.
No matter what monsters may arise from the shadows.
Today I’ve got a special free report for you to check out that’s all about embracing the goddess within – fully embracing your self worth as a woman. It’s a phenomenal report by my friend James Bauer – and I highly recommend you read it below. Plus, it’s free!
So take a look, and let me know your thoughts in the comments!
You can either open the file by clicking on the link below, and it will open in your browser, or download it to your computer by right clicking and selecting “Save Link As”
James has also put together a video for you that shows you the single most important thing to a man when it comes to having a relationship. When you’re done reading the report, make sure to watch the video here.