Online Dating

The 4 Ways That You Are Chasing Love & Intimacy Away…And How To Reverse It All Before It’s Too Late

Adam Gilad
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Welcome to my world!

My world is a world where love isn’t something you pursue, but something you embody and radiate.

And by doing so, you will witness it appear in your life almost as if by magic.

I have been a writer, researcher and coach on love, sex and intimacy for many years and one thing has become certain.  You don’t manifest love into your life by projecting suspicion, frustration and superiority toward the other sex.    Ever!!!

In fact you don’t magically “manifest” anything.  You invite Love in.  You create a welcoming home for it.

For women, this generally means conveying that you are a harbor for a good man, a support, a wise brain, a luscious, happy body and yes, a cheerleader and lady in the tower lauding him for his heroic ventures, small as they may seem to you on a daily basis.  For men, it means refining your character and your communication so that a woman can feel that you are her rock, her strong arms, her protector, her champion, her listening ear and someone she can be proud of.

Throughout my books and newsletters, we will go deeper into how to embody these things so that you can invite love, intimacy, sex and deep companionship from your complementary sex  (I never say “opposite” – there is no opposition here, there is a dance!)

Below, I give you THREE MAJOR OBSTACLES TO LOVE AND ATTRACTION that both men and women put up to creating a live of love and fun with a partner.  These are three that come up consistently, and to me, represent the bedrock of passionate and enduring love.

How You Chase Away Love #1: You Talking To Yourself (Instead of Him or Her)

You are talking to yourself in that language that you like

This is one of the things that kill love and connection before you even have a chance to get to know someone.  If you are a man, you are speaking in the dry, efficacious language of men to women, and if you are a woman, you are speaking in that utterly incomprehensible, spiraling and often terrifying language of women to men.

Neuroscience has been revealing what poets have known for centuries – that we ain’t built the same.  Our brains are not the same.  For example, women have 5 language centers while poor men only have one.  Surprised?  I don’t think you are.   But now we have science to back it up.

FOR MEN:

When I teach men communication skills to women, I begin by teaching them to process almost every expression of a woman as an expression of love or blocked love.  Almost every communication an attempt to create connection and alliance, or frustration at not being able to do succeed at that.  In my book on online dating for men, www.DeepOnlineAttraction.com  – I teach men how to communicate how they serve actual people rather than notate their job title, how to convey a sensual experience of the world (a favorite vacation experience, a favorite food) to let women know that they are not cardboard cutouts, but real sensually alive men, and how to show how they are connected to their families, their friends, their loved ones – so they do not seem like lone friendless predators.

What I have discovered is that most men are very good men, and want to be heroes for an adoring partner, but have no way of conveying their heroic nature, which always comes down to service and high purpose, even in the smallest ways.     Men – check out www.DeepOnlineAttraction.com.

FOR WOMEN:

Ahhh, women.  There is something you don’t understand about men, largely because men are so bad at communicating the truth of it.  Men desire to be your heroes; in fact, very little seems worthwhile without feeling they can be someone’s hero – but they will only do that after they know that you are going to make their life better. I’m not talking about desperate men, I’m talking about men of choice.  In today’s world, men of choice have a  LOT of choice.  So before you can ask them to appreciate who you are, you’ve got to speak to his tic-toc brain, which, in the beginning, asks only one question:  “will this woman make my life better/easier or more difficult/harder?”  The truth is, of course, that of course you will make his life harder – any relationship is harder than sitting alone at home.

But it’s also richer.  The point is, and I can’t stress this enough, that men, in the beginning are looking to see if you will be a “victory” in their lives.  In fact, I have outlined 13 Victories in my book for women that men are extremely attuned to – including “My life will be better because she understands and appreciates men” and “My life will be a victory because she is happy and loves her body.”  You must appreciate that if you portray yourself as work up front, you will repel the very good men who are looking for a wonderful partner.  I personally think that the strategies in game-playing books like “The Rules” are a crime against humanity.  No good man I know would give a woman who “played” men that way the time of day.  This is the age of authenticity true-heartedness.  To learn more about these victories – and to learn more about the 13 Victories (as well the 8 Signs of a Good Man), please visit… www.TheRightManOnline.com

Either way, you are probably talking to yourself in the language of your own gender.  Women – you are trying to convey that you are a fount of love – however, men are measuring you by a different yardstick in the beginning.

Once you are in a relationship, you need to continue to speak to your partner – with your words and your body – in the language THEY feel.  More on that later.

How You Chase Away Love #2:  Be a Go-Giver

Love is not a business deal.  It is not a trade.  It is not a spectator sport where you sit back and receive.

This one is difficult because we’ve all been hurt and we’ve all had partners who didn’t return the love we felt we were offering.

My goal is not for you to find and create an average love.  To find you a match so you can replicate your genes, then grow bored and tolerate each other until you can’t anymore.  I want you to find and create love that is a spiritual journey – and by that I mean the very doorway to your own healing, you rw discovery of bliss and your service to your partner so that they may heal and live what is truly blissful to them.  Otherwise, why bother?

One of my foundational principles is that if you marry, get married every day.  Wake up every day (same for your beloved whom you are dating), and look them then in the eyes and ask aloud, or not, how can I be in greatest service to your growth and happiness today?  How can I evolve and how can I support your evolutioin so that we both live a greater vessels of love?

Good questions, huh?

Because without those questions, you “grow apart” which is a just a of saying that you stop caring enough to put in the work to serve each other into bliss, celebration and openness.

How do you grow attraction, intimacy and love?  You approach your partner moment by moment with the above questions.  And, optimally, you two have decided that your intimacy is meant to be an unfolding journey into greater joy and personal evolution – and your partner approaches you moment by moment with the same questions.

Know where I learned this?  Jesus?  Buddha?  Nope.  Marketing.  I had this mini-revelation one day (though I won’t be founding a religion on it) that intimacy, entrepreneurship and spirituality are the same thing in different expressions.  Here’s why:  in business, if you think about your needs, your business will fail.  If you stay attentive to your customer’s needs both spoken and unarticulated, and meet their needs, even in unexpected and delightful ways, you will have raving fans as customers and a very healthy business!

Intimacy, Entrepreneurship and Spirituality are first and foremost about being in service to your “other” – in fact, it is all about erasing the artificial boundaries between you and the “other” so that you can genuinely feel and experience what they crave, desire, need or cry out for.  This is a theme I will be developing in future emails, newsletters, books, videos and workshops, so stay tuned.  By the way – please send me your thoughts on this in any of the comments sections on the blog.

Love is an opportunity to give yourself away.  Mother Theresa used to tell her workers, “let them eat you up!”  Of course, you want to have a partner that is doing the same back to you… then you have a glorious feast.  Pay attention to any prospective partner’s ability to give love during the day, in the smallest ways, to those they meet.

As I have written, “Love isn’t a slice of the pie.  Love IS the pie.”

How You Chase Away Love #3:  You Love Your Partner In The Way YOU Want To Be Loved

You know how you feel so loved when she whispers sweet words into your ears?  But when you whisper them back, she would rather you wash the dishes and take out the garbage?

You know how you feel so loved when he buys you presents?  But when you buy him presents, he seems to sulk – he’d rather be hugged or massaged?

There’s a reason for this – and again, it’s so fundamental, that most people miss it.

We all do not feel loved in the same way.    One of the most important studies on enduring love relationships to have come out in the last few decades is “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.  In it, he shows that one of the greatest indicators of enduring intimacy is the ability of couples to love each other in the language that the other one feels most intensely.

He found that there are five fundamental ways by which people feel loved: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Just because you feel loved when your primary love language is spoken to you by a lover, doesn’t at all mean that that lover feels loved when you speak that language to her.

Part of courting and loving another is learning who they really are – beneath the masks and outward show.  And giving them what they most crave, not what you most feel like giving.

How You Chase Away Love #4:   You Deliver a Broken Vehicle (Though You Promised Something “Showroom Ready”)

This may be the oldest damned truth in the love bible, but there’s a reason for it:   it’s true!

You can’t really love a worthy partner well if you do not, on some fundamental level, love yourself first.

What does that mean?  Does it mean that you think you are perfect?  Exquisite?

Well you are actually – you’re perfectly you at the moment and yet you can grow more understanding, more compassionate, more open-hearted, less defended and less egoic…

Want to know how?

First – you accept yourself.  You accept that you are an evolving being.  One of the fun parts of being a parent is sharing truths you’ve come to by hard experience with your kids and seeing if they take hold.  One of those truths I shared with my sons is that they are in their own movie – and everyone else is in their own movie.   Everyone else is NOT watching your movie all the time!  And those who are (siblings, parents) and acting like harsh critics need to pay more attention to their own movies!  One of my favorite books is “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz, of  “The Four Agreements” fame.  In it, he articulates that beautiful distinction that you are either a dreamer or a predator.  Most people are just dreaming up their reality day by day, informed randomly by parents, experience and DNA.  Others are predators, attempting to control the dream-lives of others.  Those people don’t matter.

Dream your dream on a daily basis, and wake up a little bit more every day.  In your thoughts, you are always starting from right now.  Past is past.  Can you forgive a little bit more?  Be a little bit more compassionate?  Set clearer goals and boundaries for yourself a little bit more?  Ease negative people out of your life a bit more?  Of course you can.

There is a wonderful Buddhist tale aout about young monk who enters a monastery with a bag of poop, sits down and declares, “This place smells like poop!” and storms out until he reaches another mountaintop monastery.  He sets the poop bag next to him and starts meditation and spits, “THIS place smells like poop!” and heads on and on and on.

Put down your bag of poop.  Put down your past.  All the mistakes and embarrassments.  All the disappointments and cruel words.  Step into your new life daily, releasing the poop of the past.  You don’t have to carry it with you.  And you are allowed to release the people who carry it for you!

The second way you refine yourself as a vehicle of love is —  you become self-aware enough to know when you are projecting your own fears and self-criticisms onto your partner BEFORE you project them!   It’s one of the saddest sights in the world – watching couples lash out at each other because they have not taken the time to do the psychological work or self-development work to understand that anger at their partner (in most cases) is just projected self-anger.

Your date, your girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife is not your parent, your ex, your failed God or your wounded adolescent self charged with the task of healing your pain.  They are an evolving being, just as you are – and all your anger is just your high-chair tyrant way of saying that you demand that they be something or someone other than they are.   With care, with curiosity, with compassion and with learning – you need to explore each others’ subconscious patterns – without defending yourselves – you can unravel all that is unconscious in each of you.

I guarantee, how you react to your partner is more often a reflection of your unexplored past rather than a fair assessment of him or her.   This is the fun of intimacy and the glorious discovery of it all.  This , ultimately, is WHY you want to be in an extended intimacy – to serve each other into deeper evolution, honesty, truth and joy.  The road is rocky, but once you get there, the view is astounding – and infinite.

Again, if you are a man and are looking to let women know that you are not a cardboard cutout, but real sensually alive men, and how to show how they are connected to their families, their friends, their loved ones – so they do not seem like lone friendless predators, then watch my presentation here.

And if you are a woman and want to learn more about the 13 Victories (as well the 8 Signs of a Good Man), please visit The Right Man Online

This post currently has 6 comments.

  1. James
    August 9, 2012

    This almost had me crying, as my fiance left me in May for a man who does NOT treat her well, while I treated her better than she has ever been treated. Why do women, (generally speaking), WANT to be mistreated? I am just not capable of it.

      Reply
    • JJ
      August 10, 2012

      I hear you — that’s all too common. My only explanation is that women need get bored very easily and so need continual drama.

      For some twisted reason, a man who is compassionate, competent, stable, and has a sizable income doesn’t appeal to women in the long term. They prefer the long-haired punk, the stupid “artist,” the faux spiritual yoga teacher, or, even worse, some thug or drug dealer.

      Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that men should avoid marriage at all costs. Short-term flings seem to be the only way to deal with women in the modern age.

        Reply
      • Adam
        November 18, 2012

        Hey there Mr. LibertyFreedomPatriot … I’m so glad you’re not political. 🙂

        You know here’s the thing – we live in damned exciting times! We all get bored. People can’t even read a whole book anymore. James Patterson hacked the best seller list knowing that no one reads more than 3 pages before sleep (grokked from his advertising days) and so hires his writing staff to keep every chapter under 3 pages!

        The magic combo is stable financially (for her safety) and emotionally (for her emotional safety) and then kickass in adventure, spiritual boldness, fun, creativity.

        It’s not an either or.

        But yes, it is an art and it takes a lot of effort.

        Fortunately the effort is the fun of life!

         
    • Adam
      November 18, 2012

      James, there are some women (and some men) who have been TRAINED to be mistreated by bad parents or awful traditions. They require healing and self-worth. If they don’t take that path, they will return to that familiar zone over and over because it is the first language they’ve learned.

      Find a healthy woman. And treat her well.

        Reply
  2. Sam Freed
    August 9, 2012

    Adam, I love your insight/distinction that intimacy, entrepreneurship and spirituality are the same thing in different manifestations…and the importance of dissolving borders. Spirituality seems to mean a lot of different things to different people, but I think a central idea is moving from a “me” focus to a “we” focus….and from a “get” mentality to a “give” mentality.

      Reply
    • Adam
      November 18, 2012

      I think you are right on. That’s 4/5 of a spiritually admirable life right there, in practically any tradition.

        Reply

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