Are You a Pleaser? Do You Pick Dates or Partners Who are WORTH You?:
Today I want to share a quick bit of wisdom on why you might sometimes “undershoot” when it comes to dating…
You know what I mean…
You might date people who you are not really thrilled with…
People who are not as emotionally developed as you…
In other words, you might be dating “down.”
I’ve done it.
I’ve done it when I felt lonely.
And I’ve done it when I didn’t feel super-confident in myself.
But there is a DEEPER LEVEL to why you might date down by habit.
For this I draw wisdom from my friend, Dr. Robert Glover, the well known author of the book, “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”
What he says goes for women as well as for men.
Early in life, certain boys and girls who do not feel SAFE to be just who they are, put on a mask of the “pleaser”…
On a deep level, they don’t feel “ok” being just who they are.
So they expend all their energy trying to please mommy or daddy…
And later – they bury their own needs trying to please a date, lover or spouse.
So what happens?
The Nice Guy – or Nice Girl – the PLEASER – hides a shameful sense of inner badness.
They date DOWN because that keeps the attention off of themselves and on the other person.
As Glover writes…
“It is true that Nice Guys often pick partners who appear to be projects, and indeed, they do at times pick some pretty messed-up people. The fact that these partners may have challenges — they are (struggling) single moms, they have financial problems…”
“… they are angry, addictive, depressed, overweight, non-sexual, or unable to be faithful — is precisely the reason Nice Guys invite these people into their lives. As long as attention is focused on the flaws of the partner, it is diverted away from the internalized toxic shame of the Nice Guy.”
This is deep stuff.
It requires you really looking at how you pick partners.
Do you pick “projects”?
Might you be hiding by keeping attention on the other person?
Are you TRULY living your destiny?
Are you taking care of YOUR NEEDS and YOUR DREAMS?
Would you rather have a partner who supports your dreams and your highest and happiest self-expression?
Rather than being a doormat to someone else’s needs?
Do you want to pick your equal?
To Date Up rather than Date Down?
I have been focusing these recent months on this problem…
If you want to join the discussion and get my 3 classes on Dr. Glover’s work and focus on how to RECOVER from “Pleaser Syndrome” – come on over and join our Smart Daters Academy here.
Do What You Need to Do To Get The Love You Want in the World!