[5 of 6] “We Need an AAA Card For Love,” from “6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017”

Adam Gilad

We need an AAA for love.


But an internal one.


Because when we fall in love, the road seems open ahead, smooth and endless…


And in the sunshine of these hopeful dawns, we can’t see the rocks up there, nor the potholes, the nails – not to mention the sudden cliffs where the road plummets into hellfire…


It’s not that we are blind, we just don’t fill our minds with forethought of blowouts…


And because how we handle those blowouts will determine if our love dies or thrives…


With love, the warranty is more important than the acquisition.


This year, in our Smart Dater’s Academy, we read the remarkable book, ­Wired for Love, by Dr. Stan Tatkin.


Tatkin reminds us that when we pledge ourselves to each other, we are also binding ourselves to each other’s pain, fears, contractions and hidden patterns of unlove.


And, importantly, to each other’s infant selves.  In the first two years of life, if our parents do not soothe us whenever we feel afraid or anxious, our brains decide the world is unsafe.


And that wiring lays tracks of distrust and anxiety that undermine our ability to love well, to securely attach, until and unless we consciously learn to rewire.


Yeah, yeah, you can say whatever lofty things you want to say under the wedding canopy…


You can profess whatever depths of feeling on Facebook or if you are visual – or pithy – on Instagram.


Those first revs of love’s engine are delicious…


Love sparks in first glances, first kisses, first recognitions of the revealed depth of someone else’s soul…


But love is FORGED in the moments of care and repair when, as we inevitably will, we puncture each others tires…


When we hurt each other…


Whether we intended to or not…


And the vehicle of our love screeches to a messy stop.


Or crashes.


We can learn to turn every crash into love’s pit stop, with the right skills and practices.


In fact, there are two practices that Tatkin gives which are near guarantors that you can revive love where it might otherwise poop out on you…


Where you can keep your intimacy humming along like a cherry ride, rather than abandon it – another steaming wreck on the cluttered side of love’s twisting highway.


The first practice is to “turn toward” you partner when hurt happens.


It’s tempting to turn away – even run away.


He calls this turning toward – “presenting empathically.”


This is where you pull out your internal AAA card and dig in with your partner.  “Hey what’s going on?”  “Hey, what can I say or do right now so you know how much I care about what you are feeling?”


When do you do this?


In Tatkin’s words, “reliably and consistently.”


But only if you want to rewire each other’s brains into love.


When you do this, what once may have seemed a dangerous or untrustworthy world will now reveal itself to be safe.


The second practice is to immediately “care and repair” when hurt happens.


Speed matters.


The sooner you turn toward each other and begin the repair, the better chance you will have to live in love.


It seems obvious.


But people are not obvious, they are scared.


Imagine if when your car blows a gasket and your AAA guy shows up – and all he does is shout at the engine, “Oh sure, you blew a gasket because you’re just like your mother/car!”


Or you pop a flat and you walk around to the front of your car and shout (or sulk), “Oh sure!  You’ve popped a flat to spite me so I can’t get where I want to get!”


Crazy, right?


But this is exactly what we do to each other.


What I learned this year is that care and repair is not merely important to love – it IS love.


It is love manifesting out of being just “a darned good idea” and a lofty ideal into word, action, time and space.


The rule? –


Says Tatkin, “Let your partner know that he or she can count on you to step up and say or do whatever is needed to repair the damage








This allows the creation of new neural pathways made of loving presence to replace to the old toxic sufferings of childhood and the past.


Love isn’t the acquisition.


Love is the warranty we renew over and over and over again.


It’s where we put the relationship before our scared ego needs.


The sacred before the scared.


Love is something we actually get to tune up every single day.


Tatkin gives some guidelines…

·     No raging

·     No Hitting

·     No threats against the relationship

·     Nor threats against others who are important to your partner

·     No holding on to hurt for too long and not letting go

·     No refusing to repair or make right a wrong

·     No withdrawing for periods longer than an hour or two

·     No being consistently unapologetic

·     No behaving habitually in an unfair or unjust manner

·     No putting self serving interests ahead of the relationship too much of the time

·     No expressing contempt, devaluation or insult

·     No expression disgust, loathing or repulsion


But when we do: (1) turn toward.  (2) care and repair.


I remember taking a rickety bus up a perilously curvy road from the plains of Northern India to Kathmandu high in the Himalaya.


The road was narrow and though sheer cliffs dove off each side at some places thousands of feet into rocky abysses, the driver barreled along at full speed, never touching the brake pedal.


And we passengers could see the rusted hulks of trucks, cars, and yes, busses who had gone before us, scattered and crushed like little tin toys on the riverbed boulders what seemed like miles below.


My wife at the time, grasping seat-backs,  clawed her way to the front and pleaded with the driver…


“Hey, I know you are Hindu and you believe you have multiple lives.  But I’m Jewish and I’ve only got one life, so please…. SLOW DOWN AND BE CAREFUL!”


Good advice for the driver.


Good advice for us.


Slow down.


Claw forward if you have to – and turn toward each other when you are scared.


Be careful – full of care.


Consistently.  Genuinely.  Reliably.


And this way, we can keep the precious vehicles of our love relationships safe and humming along for as long as we may live.


Counting down to a new year,




p.s. I have become a fervent believer in learning the SKILLS of dating, intimacy and love, so that we don’t screw it up at the start, in the middle or create unwanted ends.  If you want to learn these skills with me, and from the best books and resources in the world, come join our weekly class at The Smart Daters Academy.  I work hard with the intention that you say someday that trying it out was one of the best decisions you’ve ever made.

For Women

Confession: I am a Disney Princess

Adam Gilad

I know, I know, you suspected it all along.


But no – I don’t wear chiffon dresses and sing with bluebirds.


But like Elsa in “Frozen” – I am starting this new year singing “let it go, let it go…”


At midnight, I sat with my beloved in front of a roaring fire, writing things that we wanted to let go of in our 2017 lives…


In our social and spiritual life, in our physical and health life, in our intimate and love life, in our financial and mindset life…


Then tossing those scraps of paper into the fire.


After, we fed each other a cherry for each NEW addition to each of these areas of life we wanted to create and welcome.


Every day is New Years.


Out with the crap, in with the cherries.


Part of what my mission is with you – and with myself – is to continue letting go of all the bullsh**, all the strangles, all the clutter, all the voices of “no! no! no!” and “but it’s not possible” and “I don’t deserve all that love and pleasure and happiness and greatness…”…


So that new doors of possibility open for both you and me.


Many years ago, I met a woman on – but then I fell in love so we never met in person.


But we stayed friends because we had an instant connection on the phone.


She is a well-known poet and she wrote these words on her Facebook Page on New Years Eve…


“I’m walking into 2018 with a clear heart and mind…

If you owe me, don’t worry about it—you’re welcome.

If you wronged me, it’s all good—a great lesson learned.

If you’re angry with me, you’ve won.

If we aren’t speaking, it’s cool—I wish you well and I want you to be fine.

If you feel I wronged you, and you have told everyone but me, peace be unto you…

Life is too short for pent-up anger and holding grudges.”


Nice, huh?


Even better than the Disney Princess song, “let it go.”


Whereever you are today…


No matter what hurt or loneliness you have experienced…


Today is a new year.


Every day is Happy New Years!


Especially when you let the pain of the past go.


Fresh heart.


Fresh mind.


Infinite opportunities for love and pleasure.


To your Bold Life of Love,


For Women

[4 of 6] Love Hurts? 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad
They say that love hurts…
Well, at least they sing it.
The Everly Brothers. And Nazareth. Emmy Lou Harris and Roy Orbison. Cher and Rod Stewart.
It’s a catchy phrase.
And a comforting defensive crouch…
“I’ll love you but promise you won’t hurt me.”
As if.
Love doesn’t hurt.
Distance from love hurts.
When you love, you will get hurt because at some point the thread will feel broken and you will feel like you are spinning off into space, doomed and alone…
That happens because we and our partners vary.
We get distracted. Selfish. Scared. We do things we wish we hadn’t.
We cut the cord from time to time, and then scramble to re-thread it.
It’s normal.
But I have another perspective on love…
Love is not merely a tenuous cord that keeps us in mutual orbit.
It’s not so paltry.
To me, love is like a giant banquet table piled high with delicacies…
And our seat is always available.
But look at us!
We push ourselves away, not believing we are worthy of that seat at the table.
Or we sulk and starve ourselves because we prefer a different chair.
Or we want someone to serve us rather that simply reach out and fill our own plates like a fat, happy child.
We say “no” to love so often (and I’m talking about simple daily encounters), that soon enough, we find ourselves outside the banquet hall, shivering, staring in longingly through foggy windows.
Have you ever asked yourself – “What’s wrong with me? Where did love go? How come I can’t find it? Will I ever find it again?”
You don’t have to do that.
The truth is that it didn’t go anywhere.
You did.
You wandered away from the table.
The feast of love is always right in front of you.
The table is always piled high with goodies.
Pull up your chair every chance you get.
Look into the eyes of the feaster across the table, and next to you.
Just for a change, don’t pay attention to the costumes and the masks…
Try to see, hear and experience the fat, happy child inside each person who wants to feast on love – just like you.
That one inside them who is simple, and playful…
Who wants only to connect and laugh…
To relax and accept and live in this moment, tasting love.
And talk to THAT part of them.
Love THAT part of them
I think that it’s possible to connect with this fat, happy, feasting child with everyone and within ourselves…
And to love them as they are – enjoying the bounty of life as best as their outer adult shell will allow them.
I think we will discover that this is a cord that cannot be broken.
Wendell Berry writes in “The Peace of Wild Things…”
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
When I coach, when I teach, I find so that many people“tax their lives with forethought of grief.”
Or with grief’s memories.
The feast feels lost.
The feast feels so far away.
But it’s not.
Try this…
“Rest in the grace” of the person in front of you.
Not in their ideas, which are bound to be goofy or ill-thought out.
Not in their opinions, which are probably just as wrong as yours.
Not in their stories.
But simply in that part of them that like Berry’s “great heron” is nibbling here at the feast of love, maybe timid, maybe gorging…
But here, at the same banquet table as you.
Hoping maybe to catch your eye.
And break bread with you.
So that they can remember that we are all this feast together.
So that you can, too.
Counting down to a New Year,

For Women

[3 of 6] 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad

In winter, we pile on layers of clothes.

In summer, we strip down.

Winter.  Summer.  Winter.  Summer.

Until eternal winter’s wind whisks it all away.

But meanwhile, we gallop along, clothing ourselves in cycles of identities…

An accretion of signals – both to others, and to ourselves – that we MATTER.

In our runaway acquisitive culture, we “acquire self” like wild-eyed hoarders of old bulky sweaters, pulling our arms through one get-up after another…

We swathe ourselves in silky notions of God or Goddess or divinity of some sort; cozy-wooly-comfy beliefs about this and that,; we strut in our strong-armor opinions that eventually fray and soften…

Proud and scared, we don showy-shiny robes of status, threadbare garments that intimate depth, simplicity and heart, and eventually, we make a show of scattering our throwaway scarves of “I don’t care,” “I just can’t” or “I just don’t give a fuck anymore.”

We are movable, changeable heaps of identity-shmattas.

And, hauling this towering, knotted, motley pile on our backs, we trundle out into the world looking for love…

There!  And there!

We spot a similar walking pile of cloaks, wooly clumps, weaves and frayed yarn…

Color drawn to color…

Texture drawn to texture…

“Do we match?  Do we go together well?  Should we try?”

Wandering mounds of identity.


There is a different tradition…

A kind of love that knows no accreted identities…

A stripping down to find a different kind of truth…

And different kind of connection.

In the Lurianic kabalistic tradition, the universe is a sort of cosmic game of hide and seek…

Once upon a time, God made an attempt to enter the physical realm – and in that Big Bang – Divine Sparks shot out of a pinprick origin point and suffused the universe…

So that now – everything we touch, everything we see, everyone we know, contains a “divine spark” buried under layers of husks…

And our sacred (and kind of awesomely fun) task in this life is to peel back those husks clumped around everything and everyone in order to find the divine spark hidden within.


Imagine dating or loving your partner like THAT every day, gently peeling back the protective husks to see, feel and experience their divine chewy center.

We are each God’s own tootsie pops.

Rumi, from the Islamic Sufi tradition, said it beautifully (and WAY before Hallmark cards)…


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”


Love is not my set of barriers being attracted to your set of barriers.

Love is the happy game of stripping down together…

Peeling off those bulky identity-sweaters, those ego-cloaks, that armor over our pain and our fear and our frustration and our lonely hearts…


Francis Ford Coppola recently said, “Often poverty teaches us to express love in the most profound ways.”

And what is more poor, and more rich, than our own naked selves?

Everything stripped away…

Except the light of love within us all.

Counting down to a New Year…

For Women

[2 of 6] 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad

You know how they say Inuit people have 32 words for “snow,” because there are so many minute variations of snow to which the are sensitive?

And how Californians, likewise, have a similar number of words for “therapist”?

Well, we have one word for “love,” and it’s a damned messy word.

The Greeks had their Eros, Agape (spiritual love), Philia (deep friendship), Ludus (playful love),

Pragma (longstanding love) and Philautia, (love of the self).

We just have “love.”

Eddie Izzard has a great bit where he says that Americans say “awesome!”  for everything, including for a great hot dog.

And so when Houston talks to astronauts in space and they ask what it’s like out there in the Great Void and the astronaut says “Awesome!” – the natural response of the guy at mission control is – “like a hot dog?”

We “love” hot dogs.  We love House of Cards (well, we did).  We love Beyonce, puppies, our parents, working out, the poetry of Rumi, the mystery of the night stars,  the slumbering face of our dear lover, warm on the pillow beside us.

We busy ourselves with gadgets and to-do’s, but we live for love.

We yearn for love.

We grieve for love when it feels distant.

Have you ever been to the Amazon jungle? Vines reach out with hungry fingers for branches and errant roots and for each other.

They remind me of the outstretched fingers of lovers in the dark.

I once heard a teacher say that if we replaced the cold word “gravity” with “allurement” – we would see and feel that every body, celestial and otherwise, in the universe is “allured” to every other body.

We would awaken daily to a cosmos full of silent yearning for touch.

What about us?

Why are we humans drawn to each other for love relationships?

Sometimes it is out of fear.

Fear of being alone. Fear of social tsk-tsking. Fear of not seeming worthy of love. Fear of not experiencing that vaunted joy that people with good voices seem to sing so much about.

But something more…

I think it is fear of not experiencing this thing that calls to us as something spiritual, transcendent, not human but fixed and divine.

As Shakespeare, said it,  “Love is not love/Which alters when it alteration finds.”

We want love the way people want a unitary god, something that doesn’t – that can’t – waver.

A rock on which to finally rest.

One of my favorite new friends is Ken Page, who makes the distinction between “love from deprivation” – what I call fear – and “love from inspiration.”

What is the difference?

When we meet and come to know somebody, do they hold what moves us most deeply with tenderness and care? Does the depth of their care for our inner world inspire us?  Do they inspire us?  He says…

“I suggest that you become fiercely discriminating about with whom you choose to spend your time. Is the person you’re dating kind? Is he or she emotionally generous (even if quietly so)? Are you inspired by the way this person lives his or her life, and by the kindness and acceptance he or she shows you? If so, you’ve found what I call anattraction of inspiration. Celebrate what you found, and do your best to nourish it. It’s a rare and precious thing.”

Or, by contrast, does the person you are dating or living with deride your ideas, our heart, those places where you feel most deeply?

Do they put on a miner’s hat and come excavate with us where you hurt, where you fear, where where your heart soars with feeling and where you feel shame and grief?

Or do they tell you that you are “too sensitive” and to “get over it””

When we “love from deprivation” – we are attracted to what the “near enemies” of love.

They almost or sometimes care.  They almost or sometimes listen empathically.  They almost or sometimes accept us.

They pay attention to us, but the warmth of their acceptance remains just out of reach.

Seemingly open arms, ever receding.

Page points out that “Most of us are wired to want the person we can’t really have. People who devalue us make us want to convince them that they’re wrong.”

Which was the exact backbone of the “pick up” movement led by disturbed and venal young men.

To me, in those moments when all the hurly-burly of our lightning-flash culture lulls into silence, and when our adrenaline and sexual hungers take a breather, we hear what calls us home…

And the call is actually unmistakable…

Be allured to those who are kind.

Be allured to those who accept you as you are with all your flaws.

Be allured to those who hold a vision for your greatness as you define it, not as they do.

Be allured to those who hold your heart – like a dance partner – tenderly and with care – while you dance through this world.

In Genesis, God says, “lo tov l’hiyot Adam l’vodo” – “it is not good for man to be alone.”

And voila – woman!

We often hear that we need to be independent and that the desire for love is some kind of weakness.

The desire for love from deprivation IS weakness.

But the desire for love from inspiration is sacred and, as Ken Page calls it, “wisdom.”

“Longing for love is not weakness. It’s wisdom. Numbing our loneliness is a path to a despair that plagues our entire culture. We are not meant to be alone and self-sufficient. Without lives filled with love, we wither inside. Intimacy is oxygen. We don’t need to transcend our hunger for love—we need to honor it.”

Counting down to New Years…


p.s. If you want to come explore love with me, and read and meet great authors such as Ken –

For Women

(1 of 6] 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad

I feel dumb all the time.


Because I keep learning such HUGE new ideas and perspectives all the time.

I sometimes wonder how I got this far in life, without knowing them before!

2017 was a watershed year in many ways.

In terms of the dance of the masculine and feminine, the big explosion was #metoo…

Both for the revelation of the breadth of abuse of power and sexual abuse…

And the depth of pain and shut-down that so many women (and some men, yes) suffer as a result…

We are not done with #metoo, oh no….

And my fear is that…

(1) it will go too far into broad-brush painting of men with shame on the one hand and

(2) a reactionary defensive posture by men on the other.

Neither helps.

Neither helps understanding.

Neither helps healing.

Neither helps love.

MEN – we men must learn to look at this fire in the face – and come to terms with what is real – and then rise into our deepest nobility in protecting and honoring the feminine.

WOMEN –  women must speak out both fearlessly but also with precision.

So that men can and will hear what women have to say.

More on that later.

2018 promises to be a fascinating year.

Fo’ Sho.

Meanwhile, let me just give you some of my thoughts on what I learned this year that might matter to you…

Lesson #1:  Relationship is PLAY and it is EFFORT but it is not “work.”

In our Smart Daters Academy, we studied Dr. Stan Tatkin’s excellent books Wired for Love and Wired for Dating.

They demonstrate the neuropsychology of attachment – how we trust or don’t trust love, the world and our partners – and how it all goes back to our first 2 years of life and imprinting.

He says something strong:

When we get married, we should say, more or less…

“Do you take this pain the ass to be your wife/husband – with all his/her wounds, ex-relationships, fears, triggers, bad parenting in childhood and anxieties?”

No more starry-eyed beginnings of love relationships any more.

No expectations of perfection.

No disappointment when your partner turns out to be human…

I mean flawed…

I mean human.

This isn’t the 1950’s.

The information is out there.

People have a voice that didn’t used to have a voice.

Things no longer happen behind closed doors.

The internet has given us windows into all those dark rooms of the soul.

But that’s not all bad news…

True intimacy BEGINS at those trigger points when one of you gets angry, frustrated, disappointed, ashamed, crestfallen, reminded of old patterns that hurt.

It doesn’t END there.

Is it easy to navigate these moments of wounding and anger?


Is it work?


Is it effort?


I like to frame this effort as play rather than work.

Specifically, SKILLED PLAY!

As in – “okay, here we stand.  Two flawed individuals with our own trigger points, our own defensiveness, our own secret shames of not being enough…. LETS PLAY!  Bring it on and let’s use the fire of this moment to heal old wounds.”

With love, people aren’t meant to be convenient.

People are meant to be whole beings – complex, delightful, with deep wells of both pain and resourcefulness.

Play for the win/win.

And love will grow.

Tomorrow, I will talk about a second important thing I learned, this one on how we CHOOSE lovers and partners in life.

Counting Down to the New Year,




Sloppy Kalis and Bypassing Shivas…

Adam Gilad

I met a woman…


Wild. Almost feral.


“I am the feminine storm!” Her hair was wild. Her eyes like a straining horse. “And your job is to handle it.”




It was a practice for me.


It’s a funny thing about me – and most men – it seems.


We love a good challenge.


Spit in our hands.


Bring it on!


I did my best to take her barbs. Her slaps. Her admonitions when I would say something in public she didn’t like.


Until I called it quits.


Here’s the issue…


Braving the “feminine storm” is a great concept for men.


It’s grounding.


And ennobling.


Until it isn’t.


Because while “the feminine” may be a storm – full of lightning and sudden winds and miraculous beauty and rainbows lighting up the sky…


A flesh and blood woman is not a storm.


She’s a PERSON.


And a PERSON self-reflects. Self-corrects. Amends and heals inner darkness and triggers.


An evolving person engages.


An evolving person in relationship reaches out, cares for him or herself and for their partners.


Cares and repairs.


With as much courage as possible.


I met another woman.


She said “promise me you’ll never hurt me. I’m done with being hurt.”


Another pipe dream.


And I went and hurt her.




Not because I meant to or wanted to.


But because I was unconscious, scared and at the starting line of a whole new cycle of self-knowledge, repair and growth.


Intimacy MEANS you will get hurt.




Intimacy MEANS you will hurt your partner.




Not because you or your partner is awful, but because he or she is imperfect.


As are you.


But because you will get triggered and defensive at some point, as will your partner.


And this – if the transgression is not too great – is not where things end…


This is where the sacred dance begins…


Person Kali gets to lay down her sword and ask not “why do you disappoint me so with your ego and unconsciousness” but also “why else am I so deeply affronted.”


Person Shiva gets to relax from the winds and the arrows being the rock – and just be. He gets to ask not “how much can I offer by withstanding Kali’s fire,” but also “What does my fire need so that I live my one, true life?”


As Voltaire wrote, “To learn who rules over you, simply notice who you are not allowed to criticize.”


As long as we are alive and awakening, we are never done being hurt.


As long as we are alive and awakening, we are never done hurting.


As long as we are alive and awakening, our hearts will be broken.


As long as we are alive and awakening, we get the privilege of caring and repairing for our own broken hearts and the hearts of those we love (as far as they will allow it)


As long as we are alive and awakening, we are on a journey of both healing the past and growing our hears wider and deeper into the future.


As long as we are alive and awakening we get go grow from (1) wanting love, to (1) being “in love”…


To (3) living as love.


As best we can.


Until we screw up again.


And begin the next cycle.


With that broken heart….


With courage.






Spit in our hands.


Brush off our knees.


I can’t go on.


I must go on.


If you want to join me on this journey of learning to be brave, true, vulnerable, fierce, forgiving, passionate and loving with a partner – and get 4 video classes a month from me – try out out Smart Daters Academy for only $1.   You will get over 50 video classes FREE when you join the co-ed discussion there.


The Secret to Profound Connection with a Great Lover/Partner

Adam Gilad

Let’s cut through the b.s. of dating advice out there…


I mean – let’s face it…


There are so many surface siren calls…


“Three magic words that make him never look at another woman.”






“The super-duper hypnotic text that makes him propose.”




“What socks to wear to drive your woman wild in bed.”




It’s b.s.


All of it.


It’s surface.


It’s crap.


It’s marketing from money-grubbers posing as experts.


You want to be loved?


You want to be desired?


You want to be VALUED?


Well here’s some non-b.s. dating advice from a few centuries ago…


From a Sufi mystic…


“Go find yourself first so

you can also find me.”


Doesn’t that feel better?


Doesn’t that feel TRUE?


But not your surface self.


Not even your social self.


Here’s what I’m talking about…


There are three “core gifts” you can bring a love partner…


One comes from the places where you are moved most emotionally.


One comes from the places where you hurt the most deeply.


One comes from the places where you are most deeply inspired.


You don’t find, excavate and offer the gifts hidden in these profound places in your humanity by “whispering 3 magic words” or by sending “this hypnotic text.”


Be human.


Come on a REAL journey with me and find yourself so you can find the lover, the partner, the noble man you deserve.


This week, I teach how to access these 3 areas in our Smart Daters Academy Video Class


They are drawn from this month’s book, Deeper Dating, by Ken Page.


I humbly urge you to join us – the hundreds of men and women learning together from the best books and research in the world…


Growing deeper…


Growing wiser…


Growing profoundly more loving and lovable.


The time for surface b.s. has ended.


The time for real love, real connection – the realest and most luminous, irresistible you has arrived.


Join us here in the Smart Daters Academy.


The best decision you will ever make.


10 Steps to Your Freedom and to REAL Intimacy…

Adam Gilad

So every week in the Smart Dater’s Academy – we explore specific and actionable steps that get you, oh, little things like…


1: Love

2: Happiness

3: Sensual Passion

  1. Profound Connection with an Intimate Partner
  2. Inner Freedom and the Ability to Love Without Holding Back.




The little things in life.


Now – to get there – here’s something I want you to think about hard:


As in REAL hard…


Because this is the KEY to your love life happiness…


“Intimacy is the ability to share your inner world

with a partner – without fear. TRUE intimacy

begins with self-awareness and FREEDOM

from unconscious habits and automaton behavior.”


That is THE principle I am operating on.


And it means you can’t have LOVE…


… without real self-awareness.


So today I just want to give you 10 questions to ask yourself daily that I adapted from Kyle Cease – the fascinating dude who turned his stand- up comedy career into what I would call a “comedy of awakening” career.


[take the actions in the parenthesis to turn thought into your actual life.]


1: What action can I take that would take me beyond my old stories of who I am?
(When you sense an answer, do it immediately before you chicken out)


2: What can I let go now of that is slowing down my enjoyment of life?

(Then let go of it. And keep letting go over and over if it’s stubborn).


3:  What and who can I forgive? Maybe holding onto it is just keeping me angry?

(Then forgive it. For real.)


  1. What would be amazing to do that I have never done before?

(Then actually do it.)


5: What can I give today that will bring me joy?

(Then give it).


6: What about my emotions will I feel and accept today?

(Then actually sit with yourself for a while and be the love and patience your old story was trying to get from your parents.)


7: What does silence want to tell me today?

(Then shut up and listen for a long time).


8: What can I appreciate?

(Then write down a list of at least 20 things.  Bonus:  do this every morning and every night before sleep)


9: What habit would I love to have for life?

(Then do it each day for at least 50 days in a row)


  1. What is actually happening right now?

(Then pay attention to you body being alive – your breath rising and falling, your heartbeat, the weight of your limbs.  Just you.  Now.   Pay attention as all your anxieties about the past and future dissolve.  Enjoy the clearing.  Open up to insight about who you are right now.




To allow for intimacy with another person – you MUST first have intimacy with yourself.


You must know what is going on under the surface.


What fears? What yearnings?  What hopes?


Come back to the moment right now.


Create the life you want.


So you can share it.


To get the all the skills that make you irresistible – go here and get over 40  video classes from the Smart Daters Academy for FREE!


I teach the REAL SH*T every week in the Smart Daters Academy.


If you want the skills that make you irresistible and happy?


Then go here and get the skills.


There are over 400 men and women in this group, and counting


Come join the conversation.


To Your Boldest Life of Love!




Something Has to Die

Adam Gilad

To become a man, the boy has to die.

That is why warrior and indiginous societies required vision-quests and rough initiations.

I’ve seen 10 year old Amazonian boys sinking their arms shoulder deep into nests of poisonous, stinging ants.  Their arms blow up like fresh baked bread.  

Boys are kidnapped by men in the middle of the night and taken to the forest or desert wastelands and left there among predators to find their way home.

Initiation rituals.

They insure that something must die so that something new may be born.

That’s why in most great stories, the hero dies before he can achieve his destiny. 

Luke Skywalker had to “die” in the garbage compactor before he could destroy the death star.

Frodo had to die by the sword (twice I think) before he could penetrate Mt. Doom and return the ring.

It is the warrior part of you that allows you to march directly into your fear and “die”… before you are reborn a stronger, better man.

If we resist “killing” what makes us weak or unfulfilled, we drift all our lives until our slobbering, tottering, brittle, weeping, regretful dotage.


What Dies in Our Lives?


That’s one I see all the time with my coaching clients.

When you step into the fire, the fire burns hesitancy away and you make your clear choice. 

One of my private coaching clients who wanted to build a coaching practice himself, called me, unable to decide to put down roots and “settle down” as he put it, or stay a vagabond where he has to work construction to pay his bills.

I stood him in the fire and made him decide. 

I reframed “settling down” into “building a foundation” for his coaching business, which would allow him to travel all he wants in a year or so.

What died? 

His belief that not traveling was “settling down.”  His attachment to uncertainty and drifting.  His fear of actually building a real business…

which would force him to do the work he needs to do to live the life he actually desires.

What was born? 

A new man.  Clarity.  Action.  And a whole new group of people who could now be served by this incredibly talented and well-trained man.

What else has to die for us to be reborn?

Here are some of the common ones I see among my fire-loving coaching students….

“My belief that I am not “good enough” to deserve, date and love a great woman.”

“My belief that I can’t commit to a great woman because my relationships have failed before.”

“My belief that I cannot love one woman because I’ve gotten too good at flirting with and seducing women.”

Here’s the real truth – and I hope you find it exciting…

The boy in us dies over and

over and over again…

… and the man in us emerges stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger over time.

….. but only IF… we allow ourselves to stand in the fire and ask ourselves…

“What has to die?”

You might be thinking

“Okay Adam, that’s great in theory, but

what about you?  What’s had to die for you?”

Here’s a couple of big ones…

1: To love one woman, I had to let die of the ego-boost of the attention of lots of women (it was harder than I expected).

2: To start taking men on powerful, relentless and transformative coaching journeys around the world (we take off for the Greek Islands next week), I had to let die the belief that I didn’t have the wisdom, tools and experience to launch men into utter and lasting change.

What About You?

What has to die for you to be reborn into the EXTRAORDINARY man you say you want to be?

What has to die for you to rise to the next level?

Of love?

Of freedom?

Of decisiveness?

Of leadership?

Of wealth?

What needs to die?

It is the Warrior within you that will make the changes you want…

And your Inner Warrior, like is true for most of us, is asleep. 

Or distracted.  Or sitting down while you go through your daily routines.

But your Warrior is waiting for you to call him up into action.

To KILL what needs to be killed…

… so something new in you can be born.

10 men are gathering with me in Los Angeles on September 30 – Oct 2nd to awaken their warrior.

To kill what needs to be killed.

To birth in them what is SCREAMING to be birthed.

This is a private and elite gathering.

It’s not one of my inexpensive intro’s.

If you feel called to make a HUGE change in your life…

If you need to kill something in you so that something new in you may be born, then you can apply.

I have 2 spots left.

===>> Go here to apply for the next Warrior Weekend Retreat   

If you fill out the application well, I will call you. 

We will talk.

We will find out what needs to die.

What needs to be born.

And you and I will start working together toward that.

                       We will be RELENTLESS.

And I will work with you beyond the weekend if you choose until you make the change you are committed to making.

As you read these words now, you already know if you are called or not.

If not, all good.  This isn’t your time.

If you feel the call – then shake your Warrior on the shoulder.  Sharpen your sword.  Strap on your boots.

Visualize what’s on the other side of the fire…

You’ll be hearing more about this from me.

I’m in the fire right now.

This isn’t play.

This is life.

To Your Best and Boldest Life,


p.s.   Here’s an outline of what we will be doing on this Warrior Weekend…

1. We are going to learn from an Israeli Special Forces officer who trains American Marines how to disarm attackers.  You will know how to protect yourself.  Your woman.  Your loved ones.

2. We are going to shoot gnarly guns and learn how to handle them.  Just in case.

3. We are going to explore and awaken your INNER WARRIOR – and apply it to your inner life, your women, your business, your purpose and your bullshit (don’t worry – mine too!) We are all holding back.

4. We are going to work with Very Special Women who will clue you into the yearning feminine archetypes around your Warrior.  What they crave.  What they grieve.  What turns them on.

5. You will clarify your warrior goals and qualities.

6. You will re-set your life – women, business, edge – with new clarity.

7. We will have a kick-ass time.

8. You will access GREATNESS.

I want your warrior.

Or nothing.

Time to burn away what doesn’t serve you.

Me too.

We’re in the fire.

Let’s play hard.

===>> If you are called,  go here to apply for the next Warrior Weekend