Women want a man who, when necessary, will kill to defend them. The killer in you is sexy – incredibly sexy – to women.
But like all virtues, your warrior-instinct has a shadow side. And because that shadow side is so evident in the random violence and militarism of our species — just at this historical moment when we need to evolve faster than our technology – women are often rightly suspect of the “warrior” that lurks inside men.
So I want to focus on the necessary and positive aspect of your inner Warrior. This aspect of yourself is essential to hone in order to attract the best women into your life.
To start — can you think of the type of character you see in film: the “reluctant warrior” – you know, the guy who, in the past, has killed for good cause, but who now wants to live quietly with his family. He does not SEEK violence, in fact, tries to avoid it – yet cannot. Because, as it happens, injustice now calls him out of domestic bliss to kill again – for a high cause.
You see this in Clint Eastwood’s near-perfect film, “The Unforgiven”. You see it in Walking Tall, Rambo, Braveheart, Gladiator and almost any Harrison Ford movie – these are all stories that explore the Reluctant Warrior theme.
First lesson for you – as a true Warrior, you do not seek violence. You resort to force when all else fails – the true priority is to keep and restore order and safety for the women and children – for what I call your “realm”.
(Remember: start thinking of the people in your life as part of your “realm”, just as a King has a realm. How are you providing for them, creating order and bounty for the people in your life? The more you move in this direction, the more you are taking on the mantle of the Deep Masculine role of “kingship” – something that will inspire enduring devotion in addition to initial attraction from your woman.)
So what does it mean to claim your “warrior” in your daily life and how do women see it?
It doesn’t mean you’re eager to fight. It doesn’t mean you’re a bully or a hothead or provocateur.
Instead, these are the qualities of a true Warrior:
1) Inner discipline
2) Accuracy and precision
3) A bright awareness of all that is occurring around you
4) A capacity to withstand challenge and pain patiently and calmly as you maintain…
5) Focus and movement toward your highest goals and highest good
6) A dogged embodiment of potency applied toward worthy causes
If you really want to get to the core of what women find wildly attractive in you, write these qualities down and review them 10x a day!
How are you embodying them at home, at work, when you are out socializing?
These are the qualities that allow your Inner Warrior to be ready to do “noble battle” when it counts. They allow you to be prepared to commit yourself, commit until victory.
When the victories to which you commit yourself during this lifetime are noble, you wlll find that you will far more easily attract the highest quality of women.
Be a warrior. But be sure it is for high pursuits that serve all.
As I often write, stop worrying so much about “DHV”s – pickup language for “Demonstration of Higher Value” – and focus far more on “BHV” – Being of Higher Value.
The difference of the first kind of man and the second is gargantuan.
Ask any group of men the last time they felt physically unsafe, and you’ll get a few who say within the last month, a few more for the last 6 months. Ask a group of women, and you’ll get almost every hand for that same 6 month period.
It is hard for men to understand that women, generally, operate in the world feeling fundamentally unsafe.
It is your duty, actually your privilege to provide safety for women – and as it happens, this is one of the most attractive things about you as a man.
When you give a woman the context of safety (emotional, physical, and yes, financial), she will be able to better relax and express herself as the fount of love she truly is – whether as an artistic creator, girlfriend, wife, nurturing mother or exquisite lover.
Before we get into ways in which you can make women feel safe, I want to say a world about this core: the feminine as a boundless fount of love. Keep an eye out for it, and praise her for every expression of love she evinces.
It may be a simple smile to a child, or a kind word to a server.
It may be an expression of beauty – and I try to remind men often that a woman’s desire to create beauty – whether on her body or in her home or in relationships – is an expression of her desire to give and create love in the world.
This is a sacred desire of hers and should never be denigrated. In fact, it should be consistently celebrated by you — at both the dating and relationship phase.
Here is a Practice for you: you can never go wrong by complimenting a woman on her evident “big heart”. If she tells a story about her work, family or even a pet (!) – if you can comment, “You really have a big, loving heart, don’t you?” You will rarely get a “no!” The more she feels acknowledged by you about her loving core, the more will be grateful and attracted to you.
When she feels safely acknowledged for her being a source of love, she will relax into you.
But before she can do that, she needs to trust you, and here’s where physical safety comes in. Here are some quick and easy ways to help make a woman feel safe, and allow her to relax and open into your strength.
1. When walking on a sidewalk, walk on the outside, closer to passing cars. It’s an old gentlemanly thing to do, back in the days of sloppy roads.
2. In fact, place yourself bodily between her and any “danger” including creepy guys, menacing guys, rumbling trucks, big dogs – no kidding, you’ll be amazed how deeply women will feel this subtle “protective” instinct in you.
3. Take her hand when stepping over a curb or while descending or ascending stairs.
4. Keep your word on the smallest commitments – call her when you say you will, and show up on time.
5. Have a Swiss Army knife and a flashlight handy wherever you go. Women may not like to have their personal problems “fixed” by you all the time, but their physical ones – they want their hero, and it’s you. (I keep them in my car. Leave the knife home on flights, but buy one “there” if you travel together.)
6. Get some training in boxing or the martial arts – chances are you’ll never have to actually use it, but it’s a turn on to a woman to know that you can handle yourself in a fight, especially to protect her and to know that you are ready to do so.
Those are the foundations of physical safety. You’ll notice keeping your word is on this list. That’s because true safety for a woman is found in your character.
More on that in other blogposts.
If you have thoughts on what makes a woman feel safe, please add to the comments section below…
I was just talking to a coaching client in Europe.
And I have to say, I am very impressed by how far he’s come so early in life. As a young man in his early 20’s, he has read the basic literature on male/female dynamics, has individuated from the stage of wanting to please his parents, society, etc, and brings impressive authenticity and depth to the women he meets.
But, as he admits, one thing trips him up: beauty. Blazing feminine beauty.
“Adam, I lose all my focus. I can’t find the usual words. I back off. What can I do?”
Beauty is a powerful force. Helen, they say, had a face that launched a thousand ships. In Hollywood, beauty is literally bankable. It is a primal indicator of health and youth and the future, of the promise of replication. It is the breeze of the life force itself, blowing suddenly and disconcertingly through our humdrum days of striving, feeding and buying.
So I don’t want to underestimate the power of beauty.
How do you handle it? Two of my favorite ways — you can defuse it. You can get curious about it.
Even more terrifying than beauty is public speaking, second only to death, according to studies. Public speakers are taught to picture their audiences in their underwear – as a way of defusing the “threat” or perceived “authority” they have out there.
I don’t recommend this with beautiful women. That would be only more distracting. Your task is to cut through the moment. Picture her skull beneath her skin. Picture her roiling intestines. She is only a bag of meat like you and me. See her with a doctor’s eye, beneath the skin.
Or, taking a deeper, more humane path – picture her as a baby and as an old woman – see her in the full spectrum of her life as a human being, someone who suffers loss and disease and brokenheartedness and ultimately, death.
Not very cheery, but it does help you put things in perspective.
Finally, a very assertive approach with beauty is to litereally say to a woman, “you know, I see that you are very beautiful. And I bet you get a lot of attention for it. But what else are you? What else do you offer. Tell me why I should be interested in you?”
Offensive? Maybe, sometimes. Electrically challenging and ballsy? Yes, also sometimes.
And no matter what anybody tells you, you can never know how she’ll react until you try it.
I was in a posh hotel bar sitting next to three young actress/dancer types. Stunning girls! I was talking to a private coaching client and also studying them of course, waiting for an opening to show him a natural way of starting a conversation.
It came when a musclebound dude in 20’s clearly out for a lay approached them and chatted them up for a couple of minutes. As he left, I saw one of the girls scrunch up her face.
There it was – our opening.
“So,” I said, “how did he do?” The girls looked at me quizzically. “On a scale of 1-10, how good was his pickup technique?”
And we were off the races! The girls started squabbling if he was a 2 or an 8. And I kept prodding them.
That’s what I call “getting on the same side of the fence” as them. Instant rapport.
Then I said, “when I’m out with girls like you, they always cuddle into my arms because nasty, predatory guys eye them like a meal.”
Again – they exploded with stories, and I could navigate the discussion around to how safe it must feel to be with a guy who is actually interested in who they are.
Which, in the end, is the worthy goal. To really know who she is.
When all the rutting and heavy breathing is over, remember that curious word in the Hebrew bible (and Im not getting religious here, trust me!) – for sex is “knowing.”
And Adam ”knew” Eve.”
The true erotic moment is one of deep mutual knowledge.
Get curious. Stay curious. Drink her in and let yourself be known.
What is more beautiful than that?
Beauty is power.
There are no two ways about it.
And what do you do with power? You are either overwhelmed by it, or you harness it.
Which would you like to do?
If you said, “harness” – that is the correct answer for us here. Because when you harness power, you yourself are empowered.
How do you “harness” a woman’s beauty? You join in on it.
One of the core principles I teach across the board – online, offline, wherever – is to erase the barrier between you and others, in our case here, with a beautiful woman.
That means seeing the world from her eyes, from what I call, “her side of the fence.”
This actually accomplishes a few goals:
1: it eliminates your deer-in-the-headlights instinct to beauty
2: it increases your empathy, which is a good thing for everyone
3: it demonstrates to women that you are comfortable with them, no matter what they look like. Remember, everybody farts. Everybody carries pain and regret and the yearning to be loved and accepted. Meet her full human being to full human being.
Here is a “getting on the same side of the fence” technique that you can use when you are in a social arena and you watch “self-appointed alpha males” go up to beautiful women and throw their best game.
We did this in a recent live workshop and it was amazingly effective.
When said pick-up dude approaches and is shot down, you jump in with a sense of fun and collusion and say:
“Okay, girls, how’d he do? How as his game on a scale of 1-10?!”
You have to do it in a fun, rollicking way – you are all enjoying the moment!
Get them to do a whole breakdown of his approach: his words, his clothes, his body-language, his attitude.
This opens up a whole RANGE of information for you about the girls – what do they like, what do they hate, what are they tired of… it’s a data treasure trove for you!
And it’s a just a fun, happy way to meet a bunch of new people.
If you are genuine and you can give the poor guy some cred (don’t act superior, just keep it real), and get inside the world of your new beautiful friends, you will find that they will likely appreciate your sense of fun, your empathy, your courage and your comfort with them.
The Empress (one of my favorite girlfriends ever) used to love shooting down guy after guy at bars when she went out to simply be with her friends. I asked her why, because she is seriously the nicest, sweetest girl in the world, because it sounded bitchy.
Her reply: “Because I watched them. I knew they were just playing a numbers game, saying the same thing over and over to every pretty girl at the bar.”
This is what you want to avoid! Being just another guy just trying to hit on another girl.
Instead – be curious. Get on her side of the fence. And have fun with her.
When I was in Grad School, the feminist theorists used to use the word “lookist” to castigate men.
Get it? It’s like “racist” except not based on skin color – based on prettiness.
As silly as it sounds, of course there is truth there.
Take the case of Susan Boyle, who was that English singer on England’s Got Talent or whatever that show was. She was a homely, overweight woman, who when she opened her mouth, emitted a divine music.
People called her victory on that show a triumph of the human spirit!
Actually it demonstrated something else: that we, as a culture, are habitually cruel, and unfair to people who didn’t win the looks Olympics.
Why was it a surprise that a woman who had an unsexy physiognomy could sing well?
We are idiots, as a species, sometimes.
It’s the same in reverse in American politics. Are there any two stupider political figures that Michele Bachman (a fanatic) and Sarah Palin (a phony poser)?
Even if they can mouth truisms for the camera, do you think ANYBODY would give them the time of day if they weren’t hot?
If they looked like Susan Boyle? Or Helen Thomas?
Of course not!
We as men are bit luckier in this realm. Women tend to find attractive men they admire and love. Men tend to admire and love women they find attractive.
And it takes a few years, but it evens out somewhere in the future, when you spend enough time with someone.
So many men come to me and ask how to meet and attract beautiful women. And it’s not like I blame you. Beauty is life-giving, inspiring refreshing and delightful.
But my word for you to day is to love all women. To see the beauty in all women (all people, if you want extra credit).
Because every one has a divine music in them waiting to be discovered. It may not be Susan Boyle’s voice. But it could be another talent, even something as primal and pure as the ability to care, love, caretake and give.
Love all well and enthusiastically – and you will attract a woman who sees that you are not the usual guy, simply led around by his eyes and his little fella.
You’ll be happily surprised at how that makes you feel inside, as well as how it makes you stand out among men.
We kind of know it isn’t roses and kisses. Yet we give roses and kisses. We kind of know it isn’t baby voices and love notes. Yes we talk to each other in baby voices and leave tender love notes.
We feel sentimental toward each other, it’s our natural and acculturated instinct.
We project our own hoped-for healing on each other. Our egos parade our lovers to our friends and family – proving our worth once and for all. We find solace and pride, “completion” and self-justification in our lovers.
And yet none of that is love.
Tantra teaches that love is here. Now. Always. Available. Like oxygen.
When we overlay the moment, this loving oxygen-rich, love-immersed moment with our “preferences,” we diminish the full scope of love.
And our ability to love. Our ability to simply open our heart and love ourselves, love others, love what is, as it unfolds in this moment.
The truth is that we deceive ourselves all day long and deceive our lovers. We are pleasure-seeking creatures and our minds dutifully labor to make everything appear as if it exists – or is tending toward – a state that will be according to our desires.
This is deception from the core. Entropy, for example, is not according to our desires. Yet it is the playground slide to which we are all consigned, with that nasty bump at the end.
One of my writing heroes, George Bernard Shaw said that marriage is founded on the exaggeration of one woman’s virtues above all others. And you will see, as your ability to love deepens, you are capable of loving not only multiple lovers deeply, but all men and women, children, life itself – without distinction.
The problem with foisting your mind into the equation, by getting sentimental about your lover, is that you start falling in love with his or her limited “personality” – defined by very specific, desired traits. Traits that Lego-fit into you needs at this moment.
But what happens when she changes? When she doesn’t conform to your loving “ideas” of her? When he outgrows one skin of his personality and emerges into something new?
Do you stop loving him or her? That’s what happens with most relationships, yes.
People get resentful. They get disappointed. “You’re not the woman I married” a man might say to his wife 17 years down the line. Well, sure! After wisdom and deaths, births and rejections, triumphs and discoveries – how could ANYONE be the same over time? Why would they be?
What I find valuable in Tantric teachings is an opening into how to love a lover not as an object which you fix in your mind and then try to ensnare within the net of your projected desires.
All our projections and desires for another to be anything is an obstacle to true love. You know that saying, “if you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they are yours. If not, they never were.”
Well, something like that. Love is freedom. True love loves without expectation (sorry!). True love loves without boundary and without fencing others in. True love exists when you drop fear, strategy, need and control.
True love is to bask in the pure gift of being alive in the present moment, and reflecting that gift in all your actions.
You are, ultimately, a conduit of love that is infinitely deeper than your personality. You have a capacity to love – a partner, all people, yourself and life itself – far greater than you’ve been doing, because your ego keeps getting in the way.
I find tantric teachings valuable because they consciously help us let go of saying “no” to the world in fear. It helps us into “the great Yes” where you can transform any moment, like an alchemist, into the golden vein of love.
So what it is? What do women notice first about you? Your clothes? Sometimes. Your hair? Sure, it happens. Your shoes? Rarely – but yeah, sometimes. Girls do love nice shoes. What they ALWAYS notice immediately is your carriage – the way you carry yourself. The way you enter a room. The way you take up space as if you OWN the life you’re inhabiting. The way you look people in the eye — or not. The way you ENCOUNTER people – do you take them seriously as a human being in full — or are you just trying to get something out of them and make an impression.
What they notice is your BODY – it’s your INSTANT RESUME. And the judgment they make immediately is on how your body reveals your CHARACTER. And I promise you this –few things are more alluring to women than a man’s powerful character. Because it is only THAT man she can admire and look up to. It is only THAT man she can show off to her friends. And it is only THAT man who turns her on, whom she can TRUST…
… and therefore surrender her body, mind and soul into abandonment and pleasure. Nobody taught you things growing up or in college or on the job. I have gathered everything you need to know about how to TRULY embody CONFIDENCE – here. You may need a whole body overhaul…
Or you may need to tweak slight things…
… the tilt of your hips, what you’re doing with your arms, the angle of your head, the depth of your breath and importantly – how you occupy and DEFINE the space around you…
… whatever you need, you’ll sharpen your presence and impact HERE
I made this short video to explain further…
Christian Hudson is at the forefront of the “social man” movement – the next step behind mere pick-up and seduction. This session may shift your entire approach to women and dating as he gets you to rethink your “value,” how you live your life and how much more powerful you can be when a woman first encounters you. The secret begins long before you meet. Listen to this interview I did with him for the State of Dating…
Christian has a excellent program entitled “The Girlfriend Activation System” – which shows you, among other things, Christian’s date formulas – what to talk about, and even how to go from dating to a relationship – reliably and consistently – with any girl you want. Watch his special presentation on it here.
What did you think about this interview? Let me know in the comments below!
So, over the last few months, I’ve immersed myself in the study of confidence. What is it? What causes it? What makes it sturdy and what makes it brittle?
Here are a few of the key lessons I learned:
1. You Do Not Have To Actually Be Confident To Act With Confidence
A lot of men are recovering. We stumble, like drunks a bit after divorces, after harsh breakups, after the slings and audits of business bumps. We launch into life at 2o with visions of triumph and imagined ascent.
Then life actually happens. And we aren’t the superman we thought (or hoped) we were.
Confidence isn’t a thing you acquire and hoard. It’s something you earn. And you earn it bit by bit, by doing one thing: taking worthy action.
In my program, Instant Confidence, I put together over 70 practices that any man can actually DO – not matter how lousy he may feel about himself. And by doing them, he builds his confidence. Another brick that that wall. There are small actions – things you can do for your neighbors or family. There are conversational techniques to add value, when women don’t expect it, or to open her imagination and fantasy life, when she doesn’t expect it – or to take her deeper than she may have expected. These are not hard to do – but the impact of them WAKE women up to your grounded confidence.
…And let me know what you think in the comments section below.