Weekend Wisdom: The Nobility of Creating Safety
You don’t get anywhere with women until they feel safe.
That goes for meeting them online and offline (more about that below) and equally,
for when you are in relationship.
And I want you to connect with how central this instinct is for you – and ultimately –
Simple, we, as men, are built, we are designed to make women safe. And women are
designed to feel fundamentally unsafe – and can only relax when they feel protected
by a man, by men or by a group.
On a tribal level, men “protect” their women from neighboring tribes and will often
kill over possession of a young woman. You can still see this – and certainly feel it –
in as common a place as a bar or after a sports event (just try to talk to a woman in
the other team’s jersey!
It’s primal. It’s a bit stupid in the modern context, but it still drives behavior.
The safety of the female (and keeping her in our circle) is wired in. In fact, any
anxiety felt by females sends us, as men, into hormonal fight or flight mode.
Lionesses will smell intruder animals before males do – and then an interesting
The males will awaken and spring into a sudden ring around the females before they
even know why. Like us, they are wired to protect the females and the young.
There is something beautiful and primally fulfilling about making women feel
safe. And I want to give you three areas in which you can experience this pleasure
for yourself – and at the same time – deepen both your connection and your
attractiveness to women.
IN THE MEATWORLD
Sometimes the smallest gesture can do it. Have you ever why we hold open doors
for women? It’s not only because old timey doors might have been heavy. It’s
because she is passing from one zone into another. On a mythical as well as a real
level, she is crossing a threshold, and we are escorting her within, in effect, “in our
care.” It is a gesture of saying, “it’s okay, it’s safe to enter/exit.” (which is a bit
weird, because we haven’t really checked it out yet. What if there’s a falling piano?)
In Instant Confidence With Women, I give you a whole selection of ways to make
women feel physically safe. Yes, doors. And yes, when you guide her up or down
a stairway, or across a street, or over a curb or any “transition space” – place your
hand on the small of her back or take her arm.
It may seem like nothing to you, but there is physical sensation that your woman
will get that you are taking the protective role on her behalf. And that feel good to
And here’s a tip to avoid something that feels BAD to her…
If you are talking in a bar or any kind of dark space, don’t “block off her escape
route.” You may not think that you are big and bulky but compared to her, you
might be. So you may not realize that she may feel “trapped” by how you stand.
When you stand opposite someone, it’s a challenging position.
So slip along to her side and look out at the world with her. Two birds on a wire
taking in the view…
… and not a wolf cornering a rabbit.
Do you feel women should trust you online?
I mean, YOU know that you’re a trustable guy, but how is she supposed to know
I remind men all the time who ask for coaching that if you had a sister, what would
you tell her about online dating? The first thing you would say is “be careful!”
Before a woman can be attracted to you beyond the physical level, she has to trust
you. Which is why you absolutely must include, in your profile, what I call trust
There are many things you can do…
• In your photos, include pics of you and your friends or you and your family, including your parents. It shows you are not some loner who lives in a Montana cabin with your taxidermified last girlfriend. It shows that you are social, are embedded in “safe” social groups – and therefore sends a strong signal to her that you are likely to be trustworthy.
•Include the first name of your sister, if you have one, which makes you seem more “real” and not just another profile on the page.
•Eliminate anything angry, especially anything angry you might have to say about women in general, women on the site, or especially, women from your past.
• Talk about a person, cause or event that inspires you and let her know why. A man who is called to improve the world is more attractive than a man who is simply “needy” and uses his whole profile to summarize his own accomplishments and interests.
• Raise her bar. If everything in your profile is true, say something like “Telling the truth and being authentic are the cornerstones of my life, public, private and in business. Everything in my profile is accurate, and my photos are recent. If you are the girl for me, then we already have something in common, and your photos and age are the truth as well.”
(There is a sneaky “rapport builder” in that post, as I slipped in the “we” word,
which is one of the most powerful ways you can create connection online with a
woman. Again, to learn a lot more how to succeed with women online watch this
IN A RELATIONSHIP
I’ve been doing a lot of research recently on how to raise intimate relationship into
a platform for sustained personal and mutual liberation, joy and awareness. I think
a lot of people like the sound of this, but very few people put in the effort to learn
how to do it – and even less energy on the practices required to make it happen on a
One of the most powerful ideas I’ve been working with is with “core vulnerabilities”
For men, it’s shame and the feeling of being inadequate. For women, it’s fear of
isolation, disconnection and abandonment.
And until we quell these for each other – no amount of “communication skills” will
Or as my friend Annie Lalla (David DeAngelo’s wife) puts it – you’ve got to
first “calm the animal” before you can speak to the higher self.
These currents run deep below our conscious mind, and in the program I am
working on about how to handle conflict, I’ll be giving you multiple and easy ways
to calm your woman’s fear of being isolated as well as her anxiety when she doesn’t
feel connected to you.
In almost all my programs, I remind you that if your woman is anxious or pulling
away from you, she is missing one or more of 4 feelings from you – she is not feeling
safe, sexy, special to you or feminine in your presence.
These are the four skill sets you are well advised to develop if you want to nourish a
long-term love relationships.
For today, let’s just focus on one thing you can do: help her feel safe in times when
she feels emotionally unsafe with you.
So if you notice her being snappy with you, or pulling away, or acting jealous or in
any way “striking out at you” – here’s a GIANT and effective technique to bring her
…detach your disagreement from “what” she is saying by being 100% in agreement
with the feeling that underlies what she is saying.
In other words – don’t challenge her on what she is saying.
Address the feeling below the surface…
Magic words include something like, “I get that you feel that I’m not paying enough
attention to you right now, and can see how much that hurts.”
e.g. – don’t argue with her feelings. Ally yourself with her feelings.
Without holding anything back or challenging the integrity of her feelings.
She needs to feel “safe” that you are on her side, that you are not walking away, that
you are not challenging her.
Show that you are on her side 100% emotionally (regardless of where you disagree).
And often, you will find that once here “animal” feels safe, her higher self will work
with you more easily.
It’s the foundation of everything else you want with women in your life – attraction,
intimacy, communication and devotion.
If you seek these things, then learn how to be the man with whom and around
whom a woman feels safe.
Remember, they are learnable skills.
And ones that will serve you throughout your life.
To your BEST life,