Don’t Underestimate the Power of Beauty
I was just talking to a coaching client in Europe.
And I have to say, I am very impressed by how far he’s come so early in life. As a young man in his early 20’s, he has read the basic literature on male/female dynamics, has individuated from the stage of wanting to please his parents, society, etc, and brings impressive authenticity and depth to the women he meets.
But, as he admits, one thing trips him up: beauty. Blazing feminine beauty.
“Adam, I lose all my focus. I can’t find the usual words. I back off. What can I do?”
Beauty is a powerful force. Helen, they say, had a face that launched a thousand ships. In Hollywood, beauty is literally bankable. It is a primal indicator of health and youth and the future, of the promise of replication. It is the breeze of the life force itself, blowing suddenly and disconcertingly through our humdrum days of striving, feeding and buying.
So I don’t want to underestimate the power of beauty.
How do you handle it? Two of my favorite ways — you can defuse it. You can get curious about it.
Even more terrifying than beauty is public speaking, second only to death, according to studies. Public speakers are taught to picture their audiences in their underwear – as a way of defusing the “threat” or perceived “authority” they have out there.
I don’t recommend this with beautiful women. That would be only more distracting. Your task is to cut through the moment. Picture her skull beneath her skin. Picture her roiling intestines. She is only a bag of meat like you and me. See her with a doctor’s eye, beneath the skin.
Or, taking a deeper, more humane path – picture her as a baby and as an old woman – see her in the full spectrum of her life as a human being, someone who suffers loss and disease and brokenheartedness and ultimately, death.
Not very cheery, but it does help you put things in perspective.
Finally, a very assertive approach with beauty is to litereally say to a woman, “you know, I see that you are very beautiful. And I bet you get a lot of attention for it. But what else are you? What else do you offer. Tell me why I should be interested in you?”
Offensive? Maybe, sometimes. Electrically challenging and ballsy? Yes, also sometimes.
And no matter what anybody tells you, you can never know how she’ll react until you try it.
I was in a posh hotel bar sitting next to three young actress/dancer types. Stunning girls! I was talking to a private coaching client and also studying them of course, waiting for an opening to show him a natural way of starting a conversation.
It came when a musclebound dude in 20’s clearly out for a lay approached them and chatted them up for a couple of minutes. As he left, I saw one of the girls scrunch up her face.
There it was – our opening.
“So,” I said, “how did he do?” The girls looked at me quizzically. “On a scale of 1-10, how good was his pickup technique?”
And we were off the races! The girls started squabbling if he was a 2 or an 8. And I kept prodding them.
That’s what I call “getting on the same side of the fence” as them. Instant rapport.
Then I said, “when I’m out with girls like you, they always cuddle into my arms because nasty, predatory guys eye them like a meal.”
Again – they exploded with stories, and I could navigate the discussion around to how safe it must feel to be with a guy who is actually interested in who they are.
Which, in the end, is the worthy goal. To really know who she is.
When all the rutting and heavy breathing is over, remember that curious word in the Hebrew bible (and Im not getting religious here, trust me!) – for sex is “knowing.”
And Adam ”knew” Eve.”
The true erotic moment is one of deep mutual knowledge.
Get curious. Stay curious. Drink her in and let yourself be known.
What is more beautiful than that?