Food For Thought
Today, I answer an urgent question from one of our Right Man Forever readers who has successfully—this is a yay—found a man, and entered a relationship with him:
I am currently in a relationship and am happy about it but I’m kind of embarrassed to be out in public with him. He’s kind of chubby. I don’t want to tell him because I think he already knows and I don’t want to rub salt on a bad wound. I mean, I really like his personality and we’re hitting it off pretty well and I don’t want to end this relationship because of looks. Please help!
This is my answer to Mia…
Language is always my first clue…
What do you mean, ‘kind of’ chubby? What is ‘kind of’ embarrassed? Your use of this word modifier tells me that you’re probably a kind and sweet woman who doesn’t want to create conflict, but is nevertheless truly concerned with his weight and its effect on the lastingness of your relationship.
I don’t sense that you’re cruel about it or unnecessarily judgmental.
If he was chubby when you entered this relationship, and you subconsciously felt like you could change him, then I have to tell you, you’ve made a critical relationship mistake – and let me offer you my Relationship Mistake Commandment #37: “Thou Shalt Not Attempt to Change Thy Man Without his Consent.”)
Men will resist if you try to change them.
However, we will happily change when we are inspired by you.
You inspire us to clean our apartments in Usain Bolt-esque speed when the opportunity for coupling is on the horizon. You inspire us to put more hours in at work, to pay more attention to how often we’ve worn that shirt, and yes, to crank out rep after rep of bicep curls at the gym.
The keyword here is inspire.
Men do not like to be told what to do. Men especially don’t like being told what to do by women. Not directly, anyway.
If you want him to lose a bit of weight, inspire him into it. Go the gym yourself and come back sweaty and sexy and full of sexual energy. Let him see you cooking a storm of healthy dishes in the kitchen. Challenge him to join you for a morning run and tell him that you’re going to ‘beat the pants off of him’—and mean it.
He will see all of this and will want to change on his own.
Men need to feel like whatever is happening in our lives is a result of our own choices and actions. We want power. We want control. We want to believe that we are the captains of our own ships (even if we kind of know that you are secretly steering!)
Sitting him down for a “talk”, and telling him that he’s fat and that you’re embarrassed to be out in public with him…well, that will end your relationship faster than it took him to clean up his apartment before you came over last night.
But inspiring him to change, inviting him into an adventure with you, appreciating him for trying and complimenting him for even the smallest gains – you can make him feel as if the idea was his all along.
It’s my Relationship Commandment #1: “Thou Shalt Appreciate and Reward A Man More Deeply Into His Virtues.” That’s the secret to getting whatever you want with your ma FOREVER—whether that be a dozen roses or a candlelit dinner at The Four Seasons in Maui.
Food for thought.