[5 of 6] “We Need an AAA Card For Love,” from “6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017”

Adam Gilad

We need an AAA for love.


But an internal one.


Because when we fall in love, the road seems open ahead, smooth and endless…


And in the sunshine of these hopeful dawns, we can’t see the rocks up there, nor the potholes, the nails – not to mention the sudden cliffs where the road plummets into hellfire…


It’s not that we are blind, we just don’t fill our minds with forethought of blowouts…


And because how we handle those blowouts will determine if our love dies or thrives…


With love, the warranty is more important than the acquisition.


This year, in our Smart Dater’s Academy, we read the remarkable book, ­Wired for Love, by Dr. Stan Tatkin.


Tatkin reminds us that when we pledge ourselves to each other, we are also binding ourselves to each other’s pain, fears, contractions and hidden patterns of unlove.


And, importantly, to each other’s infant selves.  In the first two years of life, if our parents do not soothe us whenever we feel afraid or anxious, our brains decide the world is unsafe.


And that wiring lays tracks of distrust and anxiety that undermine our ability to love well, to securely attach, until and unless we consciously learn to rewire.


Yeah, yeah, you can say whatever lofty things you want to say under the wedding canopy…


You can profess whatever depths of feeling on Facebook or if you are visual – or pithy – on Instagram.


Those first revs of love’s engine are delicious…


Love sparks in first glances, first kisses, first recognitions of the revealed depth of someone else’s soul…


But love is FORGED in the moments of care and repair when, as we inevitably will, we puncture each others tires…


When we hurt each other…


Whether we intended to or not…


And the vehicle of our love screeches to a messy stop.


Or crashes.


We can learn to turn every crash into love’s pit stop, with the right skills and practices.


In fact, there are two practices that Tatkin gives which are near guarantors that you can revive love where it might otherwise poop out on you…


Where you can keep your intimacy humming along like a cherry ride, rather than abandon it – another steaming wreck on the cluttered side of love’s twisting highway.


The first practice is to “turn toward” you partner when hurt happens.


It’s tempting to turn away – even run away.


He calls this turning toward – “presenting empathically.”


This is where you pull out your internal AAA card and dig in with your partner.  “Hey what’s going on?”  “Hey, what can I say or do right now so you know how much I care about what you are feeling?”


When do you do this?


In Tatkin’s words, “reliably and consistently.”


But only if you want to rewire each other’s brains into love.


When you do this, what once may have seemed a dangerous or untrustworthy world will now reveal itself to be safe.


The second practice is to immediately “care and repair” when hurt happens.


Speed matters.


The sooner you turn toward each other and begin the repair, the better chance you will have to live in love.


It seems obvious.


But people are not obvious, they are scared.


Imagine if when your car blows a gasket and your AAA guy shows up – and all he does is shout at the engine, “Oh sure, you blew a gasket because you’re just like your mother/car!”


Or you pop a flat and you walk around to the front of your car and shout (or sulk), “Oh sure!  You’ve popped a flat to spite me so I can’t get where I want to get!”


Crazy, right?


But this is exactly what we do to each other.


What I learned this year is that care and repair is not merely important to love – it IS love.


It is love manifesting out of being just “a darned good idea” and a lofty ideal into word, action, time and space.


The rule? –


Says Tatkin, “Let your partner know that he or she can count on you to step up and say or do whatever is needed to repair the damage








This allows the creation of new neural pathways made of loving presence to replace to the old toxic sufferings of childhood and the past.


Love isn’t the acquisition.


Love is the warranty we renew over and over and over again.


It’s where we put the relationship before our scared ego needs.


The sacred before the scared.


Love is something we actually get to tune up every single day.


Tatkin gives some guidelines…

·     No raging

·     No Hitting

·     No threats against the relationship

·     Nor threats against others who are important to your partner

·     No holding on to hurt for too long and not letting go

·     No refusing to repair or make right a wrong

·     No withdrawing for periods longer than an hour or two

·     No being consistently unapologetic

·     No behaving habitually in an unfair or unjust manner

·     No putting self serving interests ahead of the relationship too much of the time

·     No expressing contempt, devaluation or insult

·     No expression disgust, loathing or repulsion


But when we do: (1) turn toward.  (2) care and repair.


I remember taking a rickety bus up a perilously curvy road from the plains of Northern India to Kathmandu high in the Himalaya.


The road was narrow and though sheer cliffs dove off each side at some places thousands of feet into rocky abysses, the driver barreled along at full speed, never touching the brake pedal.


And we passengers could see the rusted hulks of trucks, cars, and yes, busses who had gone before us, scattered and crushed like little tin toys on the riverbed boulders what seemed like miles below.


My wife at the time, grasping seat-backs,  clawed her way to the front and pleaded with the driver…


“Hey, I know you are Hindu and you believe you have multiple lives.  But I’m Jewish and I’ve only got one life, so please…. SLOW DOWN AND BE CAREFUL!”


Good advice for the driver.


Good advice for us.


Slow down.


Claw forward if you have to – and turn toward each other when you are scared.


Be careful – full of care.


Consistently.  Genuinely.  Reliably.


And this way, we can keep the precious vehicles of our love relationships safe and humming along for as long as we may live.


Counting down to a new year,




p.s. I have become a fervent believer in learning the SKILLS of dating, intimacy and love, so that we don’t screw it up at the start, in the middle or create unwanted ends.  If you want to learn these skills with me, and from the best books and resources in the world, come join our weekly class at The Smart Daters Academy.  I work hard with the intention that you say someday that trying it out was one of the best decisions you’ve ever made.

For Women

Confession: I am a Disney Princess

Adam Gilad

I know, I know, you suspected it all along.


But no – I don’t wear chiffon dresses and sing with bluebirds.


But like Elsa in “Frozen” – I am starting this new year singing “let it go, let it go…”


At midnight, I sat with my beloved in front of a roaring fire, writing things that we wanted to let go of in our 2017 lives…


In our social and spiritual life, in our physical and health life, in our intimate and love life, in our financial and mindset life…


Then tossing those scraps of paper into the fire.


For Women

[4 of 6] Love Hurts? 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad
They say that love hurts…
Well, at least they sing it.
The Everly Brothers. And Nazareth. Emmy Lou Harris and Roy Orbison. Cher and Rod Stewart.
It’s a catchy phrase.
And a comforting defensive crouch…
“I’ll love you but promise you won’t hurt me.”
As if.
Love doesn’t hurt.
Distance from love hurts.
When you love, you will get hurt because at some point the thread will feel broken and you will feel like you are spinning off into space, doomed and alone…
That happens because we and our partners vary.
We get distracted. Selfish. Scared. We do things we wish we hadn’t.
We cut the cord from time to time, and then scramble to re-thread it.
It’s normal.
But I have another perspective on love…
Love is not merely a tenuous cord that keeps us in mutual orbit.
It’s not so paltry.
To me, love is like a giant banquet table piled high with delicacies…
And our seat is always available.
But look at us!
We push ourselves away, not believing we are worthy of that seat at the table.
Or we sulk and starve ourselves because we prefer a different chair.
Or we want someone to serve us rather that simply reach out and fill our own plates like a fat, happy child.
We say “no” to love so often (and I’m talking about simple daily encounters), that soon enough, we find ourselves outside the banquet hall, shivering, staring in longingly through foggy windows.
Have you ever asked yourself – “What’s wrong with me? Where did love go? How come I can’t find it? Will I ever find it again?”
You don’t have to do that.
The truth is that it didn’t go anywhere.
You did.
You wandered away from the table.
The feast of love is always right in front of you.
The table is always piled high with goodies.
Pull up your chair every chance you get.
Look into the eyes of the feaster across the table, and next to you.
Just for a change, don’t pay attention to the costumes and the masks…
Try to see, hear and experience the fat, happy child inside each person who wants to feast on love – just like you.
That one inside them who is simple, and playful…
Who wants only to connect and laugh…
To relax and accept and live in this moment, tasting love.
And talk to THAT part of them.
Love THAT part of them
I think that it’s possible to connect with this fat, happy, feasting child with everyone and within ourselves…
And to love them as they are – enjoying the bounty of life as best as their outer adult shell will allow them.
I think we will discover that this is a cord that cannot be broken.
Wendell Berry writes in “The Peace of Wild Things…”
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
When I coach, when I teach, I find so that many people“tax their lives with forethought of grief.”
Or with grief’s memories.
The feast feels lost.
The feast feels so far away.
But it’s not.
Try this…
“Rest in the grace” of the person in front of you.
Not in their ideas, which are bound to be goofy or ill-thought out.
Not in their opinions, which are probably just as wrong as yours.
Not in their stories.
But simply in that part of them that like Berry’s “great heron” is nibbling here at the feast of love, maybe timid, maybe gorging…
But here, at the same banquet table as you.
Hoping maybe to catch your eye.
And break bread with you.
So that they can remember that we are all this feast together.
So that you can, too.
Counting down to a New Year,

For Women

[3 of 6] 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad

In winter, we pile on layers of clothes.

In summer, we strip down.

Winter.  Summer.  Winter.  Summer.

Until eternal winter’s wind whisks it all away.

But meanwhile, we gallop along, clothing ourselves in cycles of identities…

An accretion of signals – both to others, and to ourselves – that we MATTER.

In our runaway acquisitive culture, we “acquire self” like wild-eyed hoarders of old bulky sweaters, pulling our arms through one get-up after another…

We swathe ourselves in silky notions of God or Goddess or divinity of some sort; cozy-wooly-comfy beliefs about this and that,; we strut in our strong-armor opinions that eventually fray and soften…

Proud and scared, we don showy-shiny robes of status, threadbare garments that intimate depth, simplicity and heart, and eventually, we make a show of scattering our throwaway scarves of “I don’t care,” “I just can’t” or “I just don’t give a fuck anymore.”

We are movable, changeable heaps of identity-shmattas.

And, hauling this towering, knotted, motley pile on our backs, we trundle out into the world looking for love…

There!  And there!

We spot a similar walking pile of cloaks, wooly clumps, weaves and frayed yarn…

Color drawn to color…

Texture drawn to texture…

“Do we match?  Do we go together well?  Should we try?”

Wandering mounds of identity.


There is a different tradition…

A kind of love that knows no accreted identities…

A stripping down to find a different kind of truth…

And different kind of connection.

In the Lurianic kabalistic tradition, the universe is a sort of cosmic game of hide and seek…

Once upon a time, God made an attempt to enter the physical realm – and in that Big Bang – Divine Sparks shot out of a pinprick origin point and suffused the universe…

So that now – everything we touch, everything we see, everyone we know, contains a “divine spark” buried under layers of husks…

And our sacred (and kind of awesomely fun) task in this life is to peel back those husks clumped around everything and everyone in order to find the divine spark hidden within.


Imagine dating or loving your partner like THAT every day, gently peeling back the protective husks to see, feel and experience their divine chewy center.

We are each God’s own tootsie pops.

Rumi, from the Islamic Sufi tradition, said it beautifully (and WAY before Hallmark cards)…


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”


Love is not my set of barriers being attracted to your set of barriers.

Love is the happy game of stripping down together…

Peeling off those bulky identity-sweaters, those ego-cloaks, that armor over our pain and our fear and our frustration and our lonely hearts…


Francis Ford Coppola recently said, “Often poverty teaches us to express love in the most profound ways.”

And what is more poor, and more rich, than our own naked selves?

Everything stripped away…

Except the light of love within us all.

Counting down to a New Year…

For Women

[2 of 6] 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad

You know how they say Inuit people have 32 words for “snow,” because there are so many minute variations of snow to which the are sensitive?

And how Californians, likewise, have a similar number of words for “therapist”?

Well, we have one word for “love,” and it’s a damned messy word.

The Greeks had their Eros, Agape (spiritual love), Philia (deep friendship), Ludus (playful love),

Pragma (longstanding love) and Philautia, (love of the self).

We just have “love.”

Eddie Izzard has a great bit where he says that Americans say “awesome!”  for everything, including for a great hot dog.

And so when Houston talks to astronauts in space and they ask what it’s like out there in the Great Void and the astronaut says “Awesome!” – the natural response of the guy at mission control is – “like a hot dog?”

We “love” hot dogs.  We love House of Cards (well, we did).  We love Beyonce, puppies, our parents, working out, the poetry of Rumi, the mystery of the night stars,  the slumbering face of our dear lover, warm on the pillow beside us.

We busy ourselves with gadgets and to-do’s, but we live for love.

We yearn for love.

We grieve for love when it feels distant.

Have you ever been to the Amazon jungle? Vines reach out with hungry fingers for branches and errant roots and for each other.

They remind me of the outstretched fingers of lovers in the dark.

I once heard a teacher say that if we replaced the cold word “gravity” with “allurement” – we would see and feel that every body, celestial and otherwise, in the universe is “allured” to every other body.

We would awaken daily to a cosmos full of silent yearning for touch.

What about us?

Why are we humans drawn to each other for love relationships?

Sometimes it is out of fear.

Fear of being alone. Fear of social tsk-tsking. Fear of not seeming worthy of love. Fear of not experiencing that vaunted joy that people with good voices seem to sing so much about.

But something more…

I think it is fear of not experiencing this thing that calls to us as something spiritual, transcendent, not human but fixed and divine.

As Shakespeare, said it,  “Love is not love/Which alters when it alteration finds.”

We want love the way people want a unitary god, something that doesn’t – that can’t – waver.

A rock on which to finally rest.

One of my favorite new friends is Ken Page, who makes the distinction between “love from deprivation” – what I call fear – and “love from inspiration.”

What is the difference?

When we meet and come to know somebody, do they hold what moves us most deeply with tenderness and care? Does the depth of their care for our inner world inspire us?  Do they inspire us?  He says…

“I suggest that you become fiercely discriminating about with whom you choose to spend your time. Is the person you’re dating kind? Is he or she emotionally generous (even if quietly so)? Are you inspired by the way this person lives his or her life, and by the kindness and acceptance he or she shows you? If so, you’ve found what I call anattraction of inspiration. Celebrate what you found, and do your best to nourish it. It’s a rare and precious thing.”

Or, by contrast, does the person you are dating or living with deride your ideas, our heart, those places where you feel most deeply?

Do they put on a miner’s hat and come excavate with us where you hurt, where you fear, where where your heart soars with feeling and where you feel shame and grief?

Or do they tell you that you are “too sensitive” and to “get over it””

When we “love from deprivation” – we are attracted to what the “near enemies” of love.

They almost or sometimes care.  They almost or sometimes listen empathically.  They almost or sometimes accept us.

They pay attention to us, but the warmth of their acceptance remains just out of reach.

Seemingly open arms, ever receding.

Page points out that “Most of us are wired to want the person we can’t really have. People who devalue us make us want to convince them that they’re wrong.”

Which was the exact backbone of the “pick up” movement led by disturbed and venal young men.

To me, in those moments when all the hurly-burly of our lightning-flash culture lulls into silence, and when our adrenaline and sexual hungers take a breather, we hear what calls us home…

And the call is actually unmistakable…

Be allured to those who are kind.

Be allured to those who accept you as you are with all your flaws.

Be allured to those who hold a vision for your greatness as you define it, not as they do.

Be allured to those who hold your heart – like a dance partner – tenderly and with care – while you dance through this world.

In Genesis, God says, “lo tov l’hiyot Adam l’vodo” – “it is not good for man to be alone.”

And voila – woman!

We often hear that we need to be independent and that the desire for love is some kind of weakness.

The desire for love from deprivation IS weakness.

But the desire for love from inspiration is sacred and, as Ken Page calls it, “wisdom.”

“Longing for love is not weakness. It’s wisdom. Numbing our loneliness is a path to a despair that plagues our entire culture. We are not meant to be alone and self-sufficient. Without lives filled with love, we wither inside. Intimacy is oxygen. We don’t need to transcend our hunger for love—we need to honor it.”

Counting down to New Years…


p.s. If you want to come explore love with me, and read and meet great authors such as Ken –

For Women

(1 of 6] 6 Things I Learned About Dating and Love in 2017

Adam Gilad

I feel dumb all the time.


Because I keep learning such HUGE new ideas and perspectives all the time.

I sometimes wonder how I got this far in life, without knowing them before!

2017 was a watershed year in many ways.

In terms of the dance of the masculine and feminine, the big explosion was #metoo…

Both for the revelation of the breadth of abuse of power and sexual abuse…

And the depth of pain and shut-down that so many women (and some men, yes) suffer as a result…

We are not done with #metoo, oh no….

And my fear is that…

(1) it will go too far into broad-brush painting of men with shame on the one hand and

(2) a reactionary defensive posture by men on the other.

Neither helps.

Neither helps understanding.

Neither helps healing.

Neither helps love.

MEN – we men must learn to look at this fire in the face – and come to terms with what is real – and then rise into our deepest nobility in protecting and honoring the feminine.

WOMEN –  women must speak out both fearlessly but also with precision.

So that men can and will hear what women have to say.

More on that later.

2018 promises to be a fascinating year.

Fo’ Sho.

Meanwhile, let me just give you some of my thoughts on what I learned this year that might matter to you…

Lesson #1:  Relationship is PLAY and it is EFFORT but it is not “work.”

In our Smart Daters Academy, we studied Dr. Stan Tatkin’s excellent books Wired for Love and Wired for Dating.

They demonstrate the neuropsychology of attachment – how we trust or don’t trust love, the world and our partners – and how it all goes back to our first 2 years of life and imprinting.

He says something strong:

When we get married, we should say, more or less…

“Do you take this pain the ass to be your wife/husband – with all his/her wounds, ex-relationships, fears, triggers, bad parenting in childhood and anxieties?”

No more starry-eyed beginnings of love relationships any more.

No expectations of perfection.

No disappointment when your partner turns out to be human…

I mean flawed…

I mean human.

This isn’t the 1950’s.

The information is out there.

People have a voice that didn’t used to have a voice.

Things no longer happen behind closed doors.

The internet has given us windows into all those dark rooms of the soul.

But that’s not all bad news…

True intimacy BEGINS at those trigger points when one of you gets angry, frustrated, disappointed, ashamed, crestfallen, reminded of old patterns that hurt.

It doesn’t END there.

Is it easy to navigate these moments of wounding and anger?


Is it work?


Is it effort?


I like to frame this effort as play rather than work.

Specifically, SKILLED PLAY!

As in – “okay, here we stand.  Two flawed individuals with our own trigger points, our own defensiveness, our own secret shames of not being enough…. LETS PLAY!  Bring it on and let’s use the fire of this moment to heal old wounds.”

With love, people aren’t meant to be convenient.

People are meant to be whole beings – complex, delightful, with deep wells of both pain and resourcefulness.

Play for the win/win.

And love will grow.

Tomorrow, I will talk about a second important thing I learned, this one on how we CHOOSE lovers and partners in life.

Counting Down to the New Year,


For Men

3 Unexpected Tips to How to Attain The Life You DESIRE With Women…

Adam Gilad

Hey man,


So I’m packing up for Vegas where about 50 men are flying from all over the world for our Boldness Code Impact Intensive…


And I want you to know something…


These weekend intensives are about more than being at ease and successful with women…


They are about more than learning how to access and express your inner confidence and essential goodness so that women can feel your actual power as a man, a leader, a caretaker, a sexual being…


They are about more than the brotherhood that you find when you discover that you are now hanging  with a group of men who care fiercely about rising out of the half-sleep “settling” into which so many others sink…


And yes, even more than about Adam’s Angels, my beautiful band of women who work with you during the sessions, guide you and take you out to select lounges in the evening to meet women and try the grounded, direct, BOLD ways of being that we perfect in the workshop itself.




These weekends are about TRANSFORMATION.


That means you come in one way – and you leave a new man.


I’ve been spending weeks honing the exercises and structure of this coming weekend in Vegas and I wanted to share with you some of the Transformative Re-Frames that we’ll be working with.


Because if you are stuck in your old frames, stuck in your old way of thinking, you will never attain the escape velocity to break your old habits.


And you will remain stuck as what you’ve always been.


Power is growth.


Boldness is risk and breakthrough.


So here are 3 “Bold” Foundations we’ll be starting with when the guys come in Friday…


1:  I Am 100% Worthy of Respect and Love

This may sound trite, but very few people, me included, actually feel this, when you dig deep inside.  We all carry shame.  We all think we should have achieved more by now.  Or that we could be better people.  Or that we should be more successful with women or financially.


We each know our individual dark secrets, and one of the scary things about intimacy is that you can’t hide your secrets for long.


Brene Brown, the great shame researcher, points out that because we feel secret shame, we are always trying to “fit in” rather than feeling as if we simply “belong.”’


The first is constant agony and anxiety. The second brings that easeful feeling of finally coming home.


But it is a huge relief when you can relax your shame and share your truths with someone safely and honestly.


And it begins with finally just accepting, owning and claiming your worth as a human being who – while not perfect – is on the journey, who can re-calibrate – and who has a good heart and who brings gifts.


That is enough to be worthy of respect and love.


And we build on THAT, not on shame.
2. I Love and Forgive myself

Now let’s step up self-acceptance to self-love.


My friend Kamal Ravikant wrote an amazing book called “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended On It” – which he created in the midst of a personal crash.


What Kamal realized is that you can CHOOSE to love yourself as is, just as the fixer upper that you are.  And when you do, you tend to make better decisions for yourself.


Listen – you create your reality anyway.  You might as well create a positive one that radiates love and good-will.


And to that, you need to forgive yourself.  Over and over and over again.


In my recent How to Inspire Love home video course, I end on a module that is called “The Intimacy of Infinite Beginnings


And by that I mean that if you are going to be in a love relationship of any kind, you must, must, must drop the past, drop the need to be right all the time, drop your shame at screwing up (because we all do), of being weak or dumb or awkward or wrong or uncaring at times…


… and begin again.  Over and over.


It’s true in relationship, and it’s true for yourself.


You can’t live a Bold Life, if the past is strangling you, tied by a rope to your neck.


Boldness means the boldness of striking out afresh, dusting yourself off, licking your wounds and creating new beginnings.  No matter what.


And we will learn practices together to release shame.  Release the past.  And start fresh, moment-by-moment.


I remember reading in Howard Schultz’s autobiography – the guy who founded and runs a little company called Starbucks – how he led a gazillion dollar initiative and lost it all, costing the company a fortune.


His response?


“Tactical mistake.  Onward.”


This is one of the hallmarks of a Bold Man.


And it’s a skill we’ll be honing together this weekend together as a brotherhood of men.


3. I Am Choosy and I Choose (You)

The un-bold life is passive.


The un-bold life waits for the lottery to arrive, for a woman to make the first move, for “life” to get better.


The Bold Life is a life of ACTION. Of clean, clear DECISIONS.  Of being the CHOOSER rather than the chosen.


One of the practices we will be perfecting over the weekend is to boldly vision exactly the life we love – with women, success and living our bold edge – and then taking real steps in the real world to start making that happen.


Not later.


But NOW.


We are going to take steps together this weekend to not only embody the stance of the CHOOSER, but also we will learn how to bring that attitude into FORM by how we approach and interact with women.


When you approach women (and life) from the bold place of generosity of spirit, profound appreciation and non-attachment that we’ll be perfecting this weekend,  you will naturally be perceived by women as the Chooser.


And they will hope that you choose them!




I stand and applaud the men flying into Vegas this weekend.


You are making a stand for your Bold Life, in brotherhood with other men who are not afraid to push through their fears, push through their limits and habits…


… a group of men who are saying firmly: this is my one life – and I’m going to live it BOLDLY!


I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going over the weekend.


Watch your emails.


And join us next time this summer for The Boldness Code Impact Edition.





p.s. if you missed the emails about it, here’s a description of what we’ll be doing:

Personal Development

Guns, Blood, Dating and Anger at Women

Adam Gilad

Men are mad.

Well, young men are mad.

Specifically men who don’t have access to women.  Who don’t feel connected to them.  Who don’t feel attractive.  Who aren’t having sex with women. 

Older guys – bodies less drenched with testosterone – are a little more resigned than angry.  It’s one of the few gifts of age.

Men – often young but older too – troll and harass women online.

Call them b*tches and sl*ts and wh*res and c*nts. 

They send scalding and cruel messages on dating sites when women don’t reply to their emails – more than you might imagine.

And sometimes – again now in Oregon – they find guns and shoot people so they can finally feel important.  The shooter?  He said girls at school didn’t respond to him well, so…



I want to share a reminder…

We are here in my learning community because we LOVE women. 

We cherish them.

We delight in their delight.

We love making them laugh.

We love helping them break through their own limitations, as we break through our own.

We love making them come – over and over again.

We love their warm bodies.

We love their loving hearts.

We love them even when their own pain and wounds send up shields to us.

We love them right through their pain. 

Even when it feels like “rejection” to us.

Our hearts can remain wide open.

And our courage is deep.

Our boldness is infinite – if we choose to access it.

As men, our ability to open wider as love is available to us every single moment that we are breathing…

And we can choose to open wider over and over and over again…

Not just because that “gets us girls” (which it does)…

Not just because it makes us admirable and supremely attractive men (which it does)…

Not because it’s the “spiritual” thing to do (which it is)…

But when we open as love through our own pain – and through the pain of others –   that becomes who we are….

We BECOME ever-opening love.

Which is a helluva thing to be…

And we thereby CREATE our own lives – moment by moment – from that place of internally generated love.


No one can turn off your ability to love and bring laughter, intrigue, flirtation and depth except for you.

As an individual men.

At the wheel of your own ship.

We just keep on bringing it.

Night and day.

In joy and in grief.

Refusing to close our hearts.

Not mistaking women’s pain for our own limitations.

Not assuming that any woman or anyone owes us ANYTHING at all.

Even though we secretly wish they did.

You are the engine of your reality.

Only you.

Every day – you and I get to decide where we want to point that engine.

Into anger, blame or giving up. 

Or toward a deeper and wider and boundless love…

No matter what arises.

This is where true masculine power lies.

When we do this, we become the hope for humanity.

Men: I love your strength and your willingness to keep your engines burning and your nose pointed toward love.

I need you.  Women need you.

You need you.

Power on.



p.s. if you have thoughts about this – please write me personally at

For Men

When Should You Trust a Woman?

Adam Gilad

When I teach women, I teach them to trust a man by his actions, not his words.

Because you and I know that a guy will say just about anything to get into her sweet little panties.  To win her favor.  To be liked and admired.

Women mistrust us – and in some ways, they should.

But should you trust women?  When should you?  When should you not?

Until we prove ourselves trustworthy.

In my online dating program, Deep Online Attraction, I (of course) give you lots of ways to establish trust right there in your profile…

Things like:

  • Talk about your sisters, if you have them, and use their first names.


  • Talk about the men you admire and the trustable qualities you admire about them (you win by association.)


  • Set up a high bar to qualify women who will write you – say things like “Honesty and integrity are cornerstones of my life, and if you are inclined to write me, please hold the same values in the same high regard.”   Or “Only honest, open, considerate and kind women welcome.  I value women who are kind to all and snooty to none.”

Again – you win by association with those values – and you win because you are taking the “prize” position and creating qualifiers and filters.

Now here’s the thing…

Should you trust women?

I hear men – usually the most frustrated men – calling women catty, b*tches, BBD girls (bigger, better, deal) etc…

They say girls only go online for a free dinner, 5 nights a week (it happens).

They say girls don’t know themselves, that they are flakes, that they are entitled, that they are rude etc…

Well, yeah.

It happens.

And it happens with guys too.

Some guys.

And some girls.

This is important – because if you start cultivating those negative opinions about SOME women, they will start to color your attitude toward ALL women.

And you will destroy anything you spark with the really quality women of the world.

We live in a culture of distraction and overwhelm.

If I thought about all the crap on E! and Bravo!  And 100 other channels, then I would never be able to concentrate on Breaking Bad or True Detective (yes, season one) or The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt.

It’s the same with women.

Don’t let the bad ones spoil your appreciation and love for women in general.

Women are more transparent by their speech – if they sh*t talk men, or other women early on when you meet them – you have to decide if you want this flow of negativity in your life.  No matter what she looks like.

If she cancels on you last minute and doesn’t profusely apologize, walk on.  She doesn’t value you and won’t value you.

If you trawl the bars and clubs, you’re less likely to meet the quality of woman who is doing a 10K run for leukemia, or volunteering at the animal shelter, or building schools in India, or mentoring girls, or building her own business.

Go where the fishing is good.

And in your conversation and online profile, use bait that attracts in women who are loving, wholehearted, kind, thoughtful, passionate and good.

Here at The Higher Game, we LOVE women.

We love them for the way they love us (god help their souls). For their beauty and their softness and their sexiness.  For the way they nurture each other and children and pets and their elders.  We love them for their creativity and lightness, and daffiness and fierceness.

And when we come across a woman who is a flake or a tease or a money-grabber or just mean – we say to ourselves, “this one is on a longer journey of healing than others.”

And we bless her and wish her well.

We do this not for her, but for our own hearts as men, as warriors, as protectors, as lovers.

So we keep our hearts clean and whole and open and powerful and loving.

So when that astounding beauty who is a fountain of love and passion and laughter walks into our lives…

… she discovers a man who stands ready to meet her. Lead her.  Love her.  Inspire her.  And walk her into her greater magnificence.

Do it for you.

p.s. – if you don’t have Deep Online Attraction, you are working at a deep deficit.  Get it here.

For Men

A Letter to Men: What I Am Telling 15,000 Women This Week About You

Adam Gilad

step_oneYou may not know this…

…but all week this week and next week…

…even while I am daily teaching you to be bold, natural, authentic, audacious, to be an ACTION-TAKER and invest in your skills and your future….

I Am ALSO Teaching 15,000 Women

I am teaching these 15,000 women that you are heroes-in-waiting.

But a very particular kind of hero, which I explain below.

Not the hero who “saves.”

But the hero who “acts.”

And I am teaching them how to INVITE you, how to ENTICE you… to act.

I am teaching them that you are learning with me the skills to help them drop their armor in trust and reveal their true selves naked…

… because you are rising to EARN their trust.

I am teaching them that you are learning how to make them feel SAFE.

How to feel SEXY.

How to feel SPECIAL in your eyes.

How to feel FEMININE in your masculine embrace.

… which are the magic four qualities you want a woman to feel in your presence and which I teach in detail in The Boldness Code.

All this week, while I am teaching you to be bold and
powerful and authentic…

I am opening the hearts of 15,000 women whose hearts have been wounded by men – and so do not trust.

I am teaching 15,000 women how to release their fear, their disappointment, their armor, their tears, their sorrow, their anger, their cynicism… about you and me…

… so that they can come to you whole and open.

So that they can come to you full of their natural joy and radiance and lusciousness…

… and not guarded and full of argument and sadness.

Because I am reminding them that you do not want to meet her in her sorrow.

Or in her anger.

Or in her bitterness and disappointment.

Yes, there is a time to hold each other’s sorrows…

There is a time to soothe and heal each other’s wounds.

There is a time for you to be a shoulder to cry on.

There is a time for you to be a strong arm to lean on.

There is a time for you to be the solid core of the Earth into whom she can melt in her grief, her fear…