Recently, I received a letter from a reader who asked me if I thought it was a good
idea to put a “no porn” and “no strip-clubs” policy on her dating profile.
I think it’s a terrible idea.
First, because of the medium – online dating.
It’s its own ecosystem, and one in which positivity is far more attractive than
negativity. Because there are no other social signals like body language or facial
expressions, the emotion of your words get exaggerated, hanging out there in
cyberspace all on their own.
So I counsel both genders to emphasize what they love about their lives in their
profiles, what positive qualities in others they value – and in general to offer a
picture of how nice, warm, fun, enriching and loving it would be to share in your life.
Stick with positive messaging.
Unfortunately, that’s not always what happens…
Many women, frustrated by men who are over-sexual, under-empathic, rude,
demanding and offensive, tend to put up what I call “hey a**hole” profiles. That
is, profiles that sound like, “Hey a**holes, don’t write me if you are a player or a
mama’s boy or anything less than a real man!”
This kind of negativity chases away the good men as well as the mama’s boys.
So no, I say to the writer of the letter, focusing on what you “don’t” want is not a
policy I’d recommend.
If you know anything about the “13 Victories” that I show you how to evoke in your
online profiles, then you’ll understand why I might to suggest to her to take that
same desire and “flip” the emotion.
She could say something like, “I am the kind of woman who, when in a devoted
relationship, will make your life so happy and so pleasurable, you’ll look at other
men who depend on porn and strip-clubs to be as if from another species, because
you’ll be so happy at home.”
Now that’s a tasty morsel. Inspire him with the promise of a deeply devoted and
delicious sensual life at home that will leave him not only happy and fulfilled… but
That is a male fantasy by the way.
I don’t think most men “like” to go to strip-clubs or watch porn.
Yes, young men want to see what’s going on out there in the big, naughty world, and
driven by a high testosterone-count, will seek to sate their sexually hungry eyes.
And, when away from their wives and girlfriends on business trips, plenty of men
will group-travel to a strip club so they can have the facsimile experience of a
younger woman offering affection, stilted and rehearsed as it may be.
(Just as many married women will read romance novels to experience a vicarious
thrill and ritualized warm fuzzies)
For men and for women, we have our ways of allowing our endorphins to be
released, which is a pleasant if temporary vacation from the bills, traffic, anxiety,
bickering, competition and frustrations of the day (not to mention shooing away
intimations of mortality).
But I think it’s fair to say that most men consider a trip to a strip club or time spent
hunkered over porn to be a kind of “failure.”
A man would rather be with a real woman, a woman who knows and adores him,
who admires and supports him. THAT is the great victory in life for most men.
In the absence of that victory, a strip club or a porn video will provide the rush of
endorphins and serotonin that makes him feel a bit better about himself for a while.
But think about it…
The route outward from a porn or strip club experience is generally a tip-toeing
from the shadows, and then a cautious re-emergence into the familiar and well-lit
world of family, colleagues and actual love.
Rarely do you see a guy put aside porn and shout, “woo hoo! I am SO proud of
myself! I LOVE my life! I am “the man”!”
There is no triumph in it.
If we, as men and women, are to support each other and help each other self-express
and evolve into more aware, considerate, loving beings, it begins with empathy.
So, here’s my dose of empathy for the day…
Its important for you to know how much men crave the presence, aroma, touch,
attention and ultimately the appreciation, of the feminine. It not only makes us
merely “feel better,” it actually gives us the energy to go on. To do. To build. To
It gives us the mojo to do anything at all, really.
What I want you to know is that the reward for our labor is the surrender of your
smile and the lavishing of your attention (which explains why porn actresses are
instructed to look into the camera).
In fact, one of my teachers liked to observe that the modern day strip club is a
desacralized descendent of the old goddess worship temples – where men will
actually weep and cheer the ephemeral beauty that drifts out through the sinuous
movements of a woman’s body.
And, just as in days of old, men throw money as an offering of gratitude and
I want you to understand that this is real…
And that seen this way, strip clubs are less “filthy holes of sin” for sick men, and
more an outlet for men to feel in contact with and, in a temporary, staged but felt-
real way, wholeheartedly accepted by the feminine.
Sex is Communication by Other Means
When my sons were young, they asked why sex seemed so off-limits and made
adults act weird when it was discussed.
I told them that it was an area of our life that didn’t “make sense” in the social
structures – such as school and work – where we spend most of our time.
I told them is was a “wild” and “untamed” part of us where we felt and expressed
emotions that didn’t “fit” so much in other parts of our lives.
I would have told them that sex is messy, but having expended so much energy over
the years trying to veer them away from messiness, I didn’t want to associate sex
with spilled paint, clothes on the floor or chocolate on the walls (although, now that
I read it, that sounds like it could be a pretty sexy night!)
But sex is, definitely, messy.
Because humans are messy, despite our excel spreadsheets, traffic lanes and
To recast Clausewitz, I believe that sex is “communication by other means.”
And when our bedroom doors close, and our ordering social structures dissolve like
scaffolding turned to sand, all our raw emotions come burning through…
Fierce tenderness will express in tears and murmurings.
Old pains will be triggered and fury, regret, revenge and fear will express itself in
pounding fists and wild words, biting teeth and thrashing.
Repressed joy will express as demonic screams escaping from hidden cells.
Shadow desires will find expression in the search for exquisite pain or restraint.
It is unpredictable. It is explosive. It is dazzling and shocking.
All the colors of the human emotional rainbow will blind us in flashes of sexual
discovery and release.
Sexuality is not monochrome.
It is as varied as our full range of emotional reality. As such, sex allows us to feel
parts of ourselves that remain otherwise unfelt and simmering.
Which I celebrate, rather than excoriate.
I believe your and your partner’s sexuality should be explored with a hearty
curiosity, flavored by kindness and profound compassion, as well as by daring and
My sense is that the writer of the letter to me would rather that her future partner
not “need” or “want” the kind of sexual curiosity that makes porn or strip clubs
My guess is that she has had disappointing experiences with a man around this issue
in the past, which is why it hangs as such a red flag in her vision.
But rather than pre-shackle his imagination with a “no,” how much more delicious
and promising would it be to fashion herself into a resoundingly sexy and
enthralling “yes!” For him. And for herself.
To so embrace sexuality as a fluid vehicle of our humanity’s divine secrets and dark
corners so thoroughly that he would not even want to look elsewhere – or have any
energy left over to do so…
This is the path I recommend to all players in the monogamy game, men and
Be awesome! Be nuanced, sensitive, varied, exploratory, rigorously clear, playful,
true, fiercely honest.
And Yet And Yet…
Even if you were to make yourself the most skilled and thrilling lover who has ever
existed, your man, driven by millennia of stimulation-attraction, may still like to
look at a bit of porn now and then!
As the teacher David Deida has pointed out, and I’m rewording it here, if you offer
a man the choice between looking at a picture book of nudes – all of one woman,
even the most beautiful woman who ever existed, or his one true beloved – or on
the other hand a book of lots of different women – he will almost always choose the
Porn is popular. In fact, it’s insanely popular.
On principle, I think it is repressive and unrealistic to “demand” that a man not look
at porn, even when in a relationship, although you can certainly request it.
On the other hand, I think it is REQUIRED to set blazingly clear, mutually agreed
upon boundaries on actions involving other people – from simple things like what
kind of touching is appropriate all the way thorugh having affairs.
Clear agreements around the actions we take create the safety that allows intimacy
But I don’t believe that in intimacy, one should police another person’s imagination,
erotic or otherwise.
That said, there remains lots of porn that makes so many women rightfully queasy,
and I believe that men need to be sensitive to this.
For example, most porn is generally made by men for men who are not having sex
– so there is a lot of anger being acted out in those scenarios. What feels titillating
to men will often seem terrifying to women on a visceral level, often calling up
memories of abuse or experience of deep unsafety.
Second, in porn, the pleasure of the woman is almost always subordinate to the
visual completion of the man. And the connection that so many women crave from
men – tenderness, communication, eye-contact, intimacy, protectiveness, care –
is missing from most of porn’s sexual interaction, and tends to debase the whole
experience. Women find it difficult enough for men to slow down and smell the
roses (to say nothing of feeling the stems), without a kind of sexuality that dismisses
their needs and desires filling the brains of their guy.
Finally, and maybe worst of all – and everyone should consider that impact of this –
too much porn destroys the authentic intimate contact between people, because it
becomes the filter through which sex is so commonly experienced.
The viewer turns into a consumer and actual intimacy can come to be experienced
as yet another consumer event, a mirror of what has been consumed online. (Years
ago, Walker Percy among others explored this problem of the loss of authenticity
of experience across the board because of the ubiquity of consumer images, so the
problem is not limited to sex, but that’s another and longer discussion).
Human sexuality offers a varied and fascinating lens into what it means to be
human. Over the last couple of years, new studies such as “A Billion Wicked
Thoughts” have revealed, with massive amounts of data analyzed, what people
actually seek when they log on to look at sexually oriented sites. The book “Sex
at Dawn” shows how monogamy is not only not the human norm historically, but
rather an anomaly.
Because there is so much fear of the “messiness” of sexuality, this boisterous bull in
the china shop of civil society, we are still learning the basics.
So as we progress along this journey of self-discovery, I want to offer some food for
thought, that I offer as a springboard for your discussions with each other on porn
and strip-clubs and erotica…
1. Yes, men are more visual than women when it comes to sexuality. But
remember, just because he watches it, doesn’t mean he wants to do it. So if he
wants to see something kinky online, don’t think that he about to break out a
spanking new set of hoists and pulleys. Similarly, men watch Mixed Martial
Arts to “feel” their warrior hormones and armchair-strategize their imagined
victories. But they’re not going to put on the tight shorts and climb into the
cage with a bruiser. It’s vicarious pleasure, but it is real pleasure.
2. If a man looks at erotica, porn or goes to a strip club, it does not necessarily
mean he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t respect women or that he is
dishonoring you. Masculine sexuality is pre-programmed to be allured to
variety and to youth. If he wants to look at videos to temporarily feel his
inner virility, it’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t
find you attractive. Women often remind men that actions speak louder than
words. Well, it’s especially true here. If he doesn’t take action on his normal
sexual feelings by having an affair or keeping a mistress, but likes to look
from time to time, no artillery need be fired from your camp.
3. As Jung said, that which gets repressed, will be expressed. Repressive
sexuality is far more dangerous than expressive sexuality as “honor killings”
in some Muslim countries and the shattered inner lives of countless Catholic
boys will testify.
I find that the Vajrayana tradition of Buddhism, wherein every human
experience is a “yes” that can be raised to the sacred and nothing is pushed
away, offers an evolved and more humane approach to the “messy” parts
of our psyche. It accepts all instincts and tries to institute practices not to
repress them down, but to raise them up in service the good of all beings.
I believe that freedom is a supreme value, when one person’s freedom doesn’t
directly physically harm another, and individual’s freedom should be allowed by
others to flourish.
Freedom is neither pure nor purely good. It carries dangers and will often leave
feelings hurt and the status-quo threatened.
But it is far more dangerous – as well as a waste of the human experience – to
strangle other people’s freedom.
Within the context of intimacy, clear, mutually-agreed upon boundaries on actions
actually promotes a whole new realm of freedom.
So to the letter writer who inspired this response, and to women in general, I would
recommend that rather than telling men what they can’t do when they are on their
own, instead, advocate for yourself what you desire and be compassionately curious
about what they desire.
If he says he likes to look at what we used to call “naked ladies” back in the innocent
old days, gently find out why, and try to stay empathic to whatever needs or tastes
he may have. It’s not a rejection of you, and its not a predecessor of his taking
action. Again, remember, men also like to watch war movies, but it doesn’t mean
your guy’s gonna screen “Saving Private Ryan,” then don a helmet and go look
for “Krauts” to bayonet down at the local Wal-mart.
All cultural forms, including erotica and porn, give us all a chance to feel and accept
parts of ourselves that we normally don’t.
It is messy? Sure!
But as any theater-goer will attest, so is Shakespeare.
As any art lover will tell you, so is Picasso.
As any pundit will tell you, so is politics.
As any therapist will tell you, so is the human heart and all its hurts.
People are messy.
And we are each stumbling our way toward self-understanding.
And if that means that a man slips into a strip club now and then to contemplate the
wonders and the glory of the female form, or the suburban mother hurries her kids
off to school so she can dive into the shadowy anterooms of “Shades of Gray” before
putting on her pants suit for another day at work, rock on.
Let’s turn it all into raw material for our self-evolution, our sexual self-expression
and our deeper understanding of ourselves and each other.
Women love sex. They love it once they trust you. They HATE you talking about it before you know them. They especially hate it when your profile or emails reek of desperation for sex. Look, I know how you feel. You get in from a night out or you’re at work and you open your computer. You open your favorite dating site. You see who’s online – and there they are…
…lanky brunettes slinky over couches, beach-blondes with big, healthy smiles and thighs like pliant marble, redheads with the cutest freckles…
And you just want to jump through the computer and land in their bedrooms. Because they are alone right now and, honestly, wouldn’t they LOVE to have you by their side right now? Well… yes! Of course! That is exactly why they are online! Spending their good money. To meet a guy like you. But it’s not going to happen tonight. Seduction, attraction, love – whatever you are after – it’s a dance. And you don’t start a dance by rushing out onto the dance floor and TACKLING your partner!
And yet, that’s how so many guys handle their online dating. One of the guys in the community recently wrote me if it was ok to put sex into your screen-name. The answer: No. Here’s the right way to do it…
My answer is as it always is: lead not with sex but (1) SENSUALITY. (2) MASCULINITY. (3) ELECTRIC CONTRAST.
EdgyChef. WaveRider. DreamShaper. DeeperIntent. All of these names INTRIGUE. They are suggestive. Your profile, your letters must first of all STAND OUT. You must first Intrigue. Then you must LEAD her into your frame and you exciting life. You must GIVE her something – a laugh, a piece of useful information, your full attention. You must then INVITE her, and by then , she’d be a fool not to accept. Please go back and review each of these steps if you have your edition of Deep Online Attraction nearby. If you don’t’ have it yet – download it HERE.
1) Don’t be sexual from the start.
2) Don’t compliment their body parts from the start (unless they are not traditionally attractive and a compliment actually might mean something). You want to know what’s sexy to women?
* Casual Confidence… not bragging
* Masculinity (hint: service, steadfastness)… not Macho.
* Outside-of-the-box Independence… but not snottiness about it.
* Subtle Mystery… not gamey elusiveness
Your words should communicate your confidence. No hemming and hawing. No smiley faces. No begging. No neediness. Instead, a sense of direction. A sense of purpose. A sense of knowing what you like and want PLUS an easy compassion for those who are different from you. You are not threatened. You are not knocked off course by anything. If you communicate that you are hot for sex now (and yes, we pretty much all are), you lose.
If you communicate that you are happily steering your fun, well-constructed, spacious ship through life and that it would be a great place for her to spend some time…
… she will climb aboard, herself!
Learn how to INVITE a woman into your life, step by step, here with Deep Online Attraction.
Now go out and have a great week, with lots of women!
Image Credit: datingserviceguide
You know what I love? Coming home to an inbox full of women who write me on my online dating sites. Dancers. Yoginis. PR girls. Brokers. Divorcees. Grant Writers, lawyers. And… an invitation to go yachting. And all in a couple of days. After a long boring marriage and a painful divorce, having the attention of all these women was salve for my hurtin’ soul. It changed my life. And it made me feel great. I want you to feel great – so I’m going to break down an actual profile of mine and why it worked…
I saved the letters. From a 98 pound yoga teacher…
“You are the guy i think i’ve been looking for…walt whitman…and you listen to krisna das…and do yoga, even sporadically…and you live not far from me…we should absolutely chat live…so call me at 213…”
From a nurse…
“I read so many profiles and they are all full of bs. Just guys puffing out their chests. I can see from your profile that you care – although I can’t tell if you’re in a “caring profession” like me. You’re kind of a mystery… and that’s kind of sexy.”
I want you to have women write you online every day. And the way to do that is to transport their hearts, excite their minds and make something beautiful stir mysteriously inside simply by your intelligent choice of words and phrases. So I’m going to break down part of a profile of mine for you – and why it worked…
Here ya go…
“Mine is an energizing life full of warm, hi-vibing friends. And – bonus! – it comes with great soundtrack. Ella, Krall, Peyroux for lazy afternoons. Muse to sing loudly with in the car. Chopin or Krishna Das at bedtime. And, for the slopes — Metallica/Zep/ Floyd. Huge turn ons: wild coasts, big group friend dinners, soulful vocalists, Utah powder, people who work for something vast, and, more than anything… sudden, unbidden expressions of love…”
1. Mine is…” Right away I invokie the Deep Online Attraction principle of “Invite Her Into Your Alluring Life” pp. 87-90. Note the high energy words – electric, but also “warm” – which makes it safe and inviting. You’ve got to pain a picture that she wants to enter.
2. And – bonus! – ” Hey, everyone likes a bonus, and it’s a different way of saying “here’s the music I like” Suddenly my life has a soundtrack, which is kind of cool, like a movie. She can project herself into a movie. Plus feel like she got a bonus!
3. The music. A lot is going on here. Notice I created scenes for the music – again, providing the movie of my life she can and will project herself into. Women always write they love lazy afternoons – because they can get their man’s full attention. She joins me in the car. On the slopes. In my bedroom, which I mention by name for God’s sake! I carefully selected music that carries an electric contrast which is another principle I DOA explain HERE. I chose a blend of really sultry, romantic female vocalists and then added Chopin to catch the attention of women who see themselves as classy, and then the very spiritual Krishna Das which is exotic and sexy (and yoga girls love it, so it’s a charged signal to them). Finally, kickass rockin’ out music so I don’t sound too soft.
4.The “Turn-ons” list is a carefully constructed picture of guy with lots of friends, a wild, primal streak, like you’d find in Wuthering Heights or some other mad, romantic novel – then add the deep-heart of how moved I am by sudden expressions of love. Happens to be true. And… it happens to suggest to the subconscious mind that she might well be the recipient of these sudden, unearned expressions of love! Again – electric contrast” wild coasts and snowboarding on one side –soulful and love on the other.
One paragraph – 4 MAJOR Signifier Sets, deployed in balance, and contrast.
I want you to take the simple details of your life…
… and polish them so they come ALIVE on the page as alluring scenes in your appealing life.
I want you to contrast them to she senses you are electrically uncontainable. Both manly and sweet, ballsy and loving, rockin’ and romantic. I show a whole slew of other contrasts to massage into your profile in Deep Online Attraction that might be more appropriate to your life.
If you’ve already got Deep Online Attraction – crack it open and get to work! If you haven’t downloaded the Deep Online Attraction Program, please do so now here…
Get DOA and get successful with women online now!
Image Credit: wonderwoman
Sex is ancient. Dating is recent. Online dating – forget about it – it’s an embryo. So to draw women to you, you must look at the deep archetypes that go back thousands of years. You need to ignite the ancient roots. And every female root taps one irresistible well: even if women aren’t looking only to date, they are pre-wired to seek a convincingly strong mating partner.
So rather than complain that women seek strength, it makes more sense to master how to embody the strength-archetype that deeply, subconsciously and primally attracts the kind of women you want. There are two basic archetypes of strength that turn on women.
1) The Fantasy “Bad Boy” Lover and
2) The Strong, Protective Nurturer.
Which one are you?
Whatever your answer. . . Wrong! If you answered one or the other, not only are you limiting yourself in your life, you are committing online dating suicide. Right now, accept this: you are both. Some dating gurus tell you to always play the bad boy lover. The whole biker, devil-may-care, “I’m a dangerous guy” type of thing. Other more touchy-feely gurus will tell you to play the loving, safe, secure guy because that’s what women really, deep down, want.
But the truth is that both are two tools in your toolbox, and it’s the unusual woman who wants only one or the other. The fact is, that it’s the combination of the bad boy lover and the safe, comforting guy that create the punch and counter-punch of maximum impact. The combination makes you EXCITING! The tension between the two creates energy – burgeoning, intriguing energy.
This is the virtue of what I call . . . The “Electric Contrast”
This combination/contrast happens to be one of the most MASSIVELY IMPORTANT secrets of attracting women online, offline, wherever. I’ll give you an example…
Here’s the bad, boring way of saying you have variety; I’ve seen it a thousand times:
“I’m as happy in jeans as I am in black tie.” Snore. And — really?
Instead, intrigue her with some key details in a well-crafted picture that contains Electric Contrast…
You might catch me shooting baskets with my buddies or gliding along a dance floor at a charity function. I’m the happiest guy around when the company’s good.” With these few words, we’ve created dramatic electricity. Suddenly, I’m not just a pile of boring facts. I’m a story that promises to unfold. I’m a guy’s guy, I hang with guys in a cool, friendly, laid back way. But I’m also mysterious – I know something about how to treat a lady when she wants to be a lady.
There’s a dash of romance hinted, too. I’m not at some everyday club, but a “charity event.” Hmmm. Do I care about others? Do I invest myself in the betterment of the world? Do I have some disposable income? I’m like a book that’s about to be opened – she doesn’t know what’s coming on the next page. She doesn’t control my story. Oh, she wants to. She wants to say this guy’s a jock. Or this guy’s a geek. Or this guy’s a wuss. Or this guy’s a wallet. Never let them pigeonhole you – that ‘s when they lose interest.
* Bad boy + Nurturer.
* Jock + Poet.
* Competent Businessman + laid back Weekend Dude
* Tough-ass Guy’s Guy by day + Sensitive, slow, romantic Lover by night.
= Electric Contrast
Never limit yourself to labels or to what other people want you to be. Prevent women from limiting you, by firmly staking your identity in your own personal, electricity-generating – mysterious, magnetic and intriguing, contrasting poles.
Have you downloaded Deep Attraction Online? And if you did, have you made the CHANGES in your profile that make women actually WRITE TO YOU FIRST? That turn them on? That attract them to you – even though they haven’t met you in the flesh yet? I want you to succeed and I teach tens of thousands of women who are CRAVING a man who can seduce them with a profile full of sensual triggers and inspiring clues about what makes you awesome. You can do this wrong – and get no response. Or you can do this right – and create Deep Attraction online
Here are a couple of tips to give you more of an advantage…
>>>>>>>>>> Technique #1: Stand Out With Powerful Sensual Imagery
In our DAO program, I show you dozens of ways to make women feel all sweet and cuddly and dreamy and sexy by laying in very specific sensual images – of either food, travel, a prospective date – anything to wake up her body (most men just speak to women’s minds – and have no impact, and don’t get them to write back). Here’s just one line pulled from one of my most successful profiles…
“Huge turn ons: wild coasts, warm ocean water, big group friend dinners, soulful vocalists, original thinkers, fat Brunellos, Utah powder, honest sensualists, wits, people who work for something vast, and, more than anything… sudden, unbidden expressions of love…”
Here are your lessons:
1: Notice I use the word “turn ons” which uses one of my MAJOR secrets for you – sensual language that suggests sexuality.
2: “Wild coasts, warm ocean water” – these are ways of saying “beach” – but subtly implanting both a sense of abandon and “wild”ness and tropical bodyfeel. Get my lists of language triggers to wake up their body! (or you’re wasting your time).
3: “Big group friend dinners” – shows them I have friends and am not a loner, and paints a picture of a happy scene they could be part of
4: “Soulful vocalists” suggests a smoky sensuality as does “fat Brunellos, Utah powder” – so much more powerful than merely and drily saying that I like wine and snowboarding.
This letter came in three days ago…
You’re a really wonderful writer and I delighted in reading your words. Your profile and pix popped up on my computer about when I was wondering if there were really any interesting, passionate, worldly men in Southern California and on this site.
>>>>>>>>>>>> Trigger #2: Invite Her Into Your Exciting Life
This is the headline I sent to a striking personal trainer – I mean, she’s a super-athlete with a body to die, or rather, live for. She said she loved skiing. So I just opened with a magical threesome of my favorite mountains…
>>>> Subject: Brighton, Canyons, Snowbird…
And told her I was off to Utah to grab the snowstorm that week but notice how I caught her attention with hard, solid, evocative words, not soft entreaties…
Her response was immediate…
Wow I am jealous you are off to Utah! Have fun…I like everything you wrote in your profile…while mine obviously didn’t get as much effort. I also read If the buddah married, dated etc (which I mentioned in my booklist). I feel like my profile is so lame compared to yours. Lets chat when you get back!
Have fun skiing,
I lay it out in in detail! – in Deep Online Attraction – very straightforward Principles – in this case – how to create an invitation to your exciting line. I show you how infomercials do it, I show you how Casanova-lover types do it. I give a whole series of invitations to you because… they work! Most men never invite a woman into their lives or to a date. But you can do it RIGHT in your profile…
“If this sounds like the kind of life and the kind of man you’ve been seeking but not finding amongst the knuckleheads, the mouth-breathers and bridge trolls, write to me. We’ll pull up a couple of barstools and see what wonders we can conjure.”
Date online smart!
Use the language that wakes women up to possibility.
It’s all here for you in Deep Online Attraction.
And enjoy your days and nights on Earth.
Each chapter of DeepOnlineAttraction gives you yet ANOTHER technique on how to provoke or inspire women to write you…
– how to use sensual language
– how to invite them with a “call to action”
– how to tease them like an older brother
– how to “sing to their idealized self”
– how to create subtle and magnetic rapport
– how to implant a romantic vision of your future meeting
… chapter after chapter of SPECIFIC WAYS to increase her intrigue, her turn on, her desire to write you..
… and most important…
… to INCREASE the dates you have in your schedule. Again – not rocket science. It’s the science of attraction. You can do this.
Image Credit: tsbmag
I don’t like hard, cold business women as lovers. Call me crazy, but I prefer the soft, willowy, sensual women. The kinds that love their womanly bodies – you know, who love yoga and flowy skirts and who celebrate their senses and their sexuality, openly and often. The kind who weep with joy right in the middle of lovemaking while the delicate notes of Chopin’s Nocturnes open her heart, soothe and release her spirit from the cares of the day. That’s a true story, by the way…
She was a singer and an artist and very responsive. No private fighting with a sense of shame. No office girl in squarish clothes who has to be coaxed into feeling sensual. If a girl is uptight or doesn’t love her body, I move on. I have enough to work to do in my life. I want somebody who already communicates a taste for sensual pleasure (in her language, clothes, the way she moves).
Tip: start with a woman who is *already* sensually inclined.
How can you tell? My favorite method – use online dating like a pro, not like an amateur (like 98% of other guys). Study her photos. Is her smile natural? Is she in a bathing suit, is she showing cleavage? Do her clothes look comfortable or stilted? Look at her language…
In Deep Online Attraction, I show how to replace hard, cold words with warm, sensual words – words that sub-consciously promise a sensual man. This, for example is from one of my profiles…
“We will warm to each other for our daring, our humor, our passion for ideas, travel high and low, design, zins so fat they’re almost food and new adventures that leave us changed. And breathless.”
Her language will clue you in to whether she is naturally and already sensually awake.
In the passage you just read, here are a lot of the Deep Online Attraction principles at work – notice I don’t say “this is what we will have in common.” I say, “we will warm to each other” I promise that we will be left changed (implanting the idea in her mind that we are already together). And of course by adding the word “breathless” – I am suggesting sex without saying sex.
You want to see words in her profile that say warm. “Cozy, cuddle, rainy afternoons,” – anything that smacks of smells or tastes. You want a woman who takes dance, or yoga. That is a woman who is already in her body, already pre-warmed for you. And when you write your profile well… you get responses like this one, which I found on my computer one recent morning, from a woman 12 years my younger, a professional dancer – always a good sign, who is smart, slim, creative – everything I love.
She wrote out of the blue in response to my profile…
“(While on my feet and applauding at the computer) That…was…just…BEAUTIFUL!!! Thank you for making my evening:-)”
Make a woman’s evening with a GREAT profile that embeds SENSUALITY. And she will make your evening, over and over again. Check out this short video I made to explain how its done RIGHT — HERE
Image Credit: Cosmopinkstyle.com
I want to talk to you about some critical secrets about online dating from my Deep Online Attraction System.
First – guys make all kinds of mistakes when writing their profiles. Stupid mistakes. To be honest , they are straight out blunders because they drive women away. They sink your chances with the best women in a flash. Remember – women are not guys. They like a good picture but ULTIMATELY – they respond to men by what you write. Women read these profiles and assess who you are by what you write. You want to sound intelligent and HOOK their attention. And to do that – you have to avoid the most common blunders. Here are a few tips straight out of Deep Online Attraction to help you out…
Welcome to my world!
My world is a world where love isn’t something you pursue, but something you embody and radiate.
And by doing so, you will witness it appear in your life almost as if by magic.
I have been a writer, researcher and coach on love, sex and intimacy for many years and one thing has become certain. You don’t manifest love into your life by projecting suspicion, frustration and superiority toward the other sex. Ever!!!
In fact you don’t magically “manifest” anything. You invite Love in. You create a welcoming home for it.
For women, this generally means conveying that you are a harbor for a good man, a support, a wise brain, a luscious, happy body and yes, a cheerleader and lady in the tower lauding him for his heroic ventures, small as they may seem to you on a daily basis. For men, it means refining your character and your communication so that a woman can feel that you are her rock, her strong arms, her protector, her champion, her listening ear and someone she can be proud of.
Throughout my books and newsletters, we will go deeper into how to embody these things so that you can invite love, intimacy, sex and deep companionship from your complementary sex (I never say “opposite” – there is no opposition here, there is a dance!)
Below, I give you THREE MAJOR OBSTACLES TO LOVE AND ATTRACTION that both men and women put up to creating a live of love and fun with a partner. These are three that come up consistently, and to me, represent the bedrock of passionate and enduring love.
How You Chase Away Love #1: You Talking To Yourself (Instead of Him or Her)
You are talking to yourself in that language that you like
This is one of the things that kill love and connection before you even have a chance to get to know someone. If you are a man, you are speaking in the dry, efficacious language of men to women, and if you are a woman, you are speaking in that utterly incomprehensible, spiraling and often terrifying language of women to men.
Neuroscience has been revealing what poets have known for centuries – that we ain’t built the same. Our brains are not the same. For example, women have 5 language centers while poor men only have one. Surprised? I don’t think you are. But now we have science to back it up.
When I teach men communication skills to women, I begin by teaching them to process almost every expression of a woman as an expression of love or blocked love. Almost every communication an attempt to create connection and alliance, or frustration at not being able to do succeed at that. In my book on online dating for men, www.DeepOnlineAttraction.com – I teach men how to communicate how they serve actual people rather than notate their job title, how to convey a sensual experience of the world (a favorite vacation experience, a favorite food) to let women know that they are not cardboard cutouts, but real sensually alive men, and how to show how they are connected to their families, their friends, their loved ones – so they do not seem like lone friendless predators.
What I have discovered is that most men are very good men, and want to be heroes for an adoring partner, but have no way of conveying their heroic nature, which always comes down to service and high purpose, even in the smallest ways. Men – check out www.DeepOnlineAttraction.com.
Ahhh, women. There is something you don’t understand about men, largely because men are so bad at communicating the truth of it. Men desire to be your heroes; in fact, very little seems worthwhile without feeling they can be someone’s hero – but they will only do that after they know that you are going to make their life better. I’m not talking about desperate men, I’m talking about men of choice. In today’s world, men of choice have a LOT of choice. So before you can ask them to appreciate who you are, you’ve got to speak to his tic-toc brain, which, in the beginning, asks only one question: “will this woman make my life better/easier or more difficult/harder?” The truth is, of course, that of course you will make his life harder – any relationship is harder than sitting alone at home.
But it’s also richer. The point is, and I can’t stress this enough, that men, in the beginning are looking to see if you will be a “victory” in their lives. In fact, I have outlined 13 Victories in my book for women that men are extremely attuned to – including “My life will be better because she understands and appreciates men” and “My life will be a victory because she is happy and loves her body.” You must appreciate that if you portray yourself as work up front, you will repel the very good men who are looking for a wonderful partner. I personally think that the strategies in game-playing books like “The Rules” are a crime against humanity. No good man I know would give a woman who “played” men that way the time of day. This is the age of authenticity true-heartedness. To learn more about these victories – and to learn more about the 13 Victories (as well the 8 Signs of a Good Man), please visit… www.TheRightManOnline.com
Either way, you are probably talking to yourself in the language of your own gender. Women – you are trying to convey that you are a fount of love – however, men are measuring you by a different yardstick in the beginning.
Once you are in a relationship, you need to continue to speak to your partner – with your words and your body – in the language THEY feel. More on that later.
How You Chase Away Love #2: Be a Go-Giver
Love is not a business deal. It is not a trade. It is not a spectator sport where you sit back and receive.
This one is difficult because we’ve all been hurt and we’ve all had partners who didn’t return the love we felt we were offering.
My goal is not for you to find and create an average love. To find you a match so you can replicate your genes, then grow bored and tolerate each other until you can’t anymore. I want you to find and create love that is a spiritual journey – and by that I mean the very doorway to your own healing, you rw discovery of bliss and your service to your partner so that they may heal and live what is truly blissful to them. Otherwise, why bother?
One of my foundational principles is that if you marry, get married every day. Wake up every day (same for your beloved whom you are dating), and look them then in the eyes and ask aloud, or not, how can I be in greatest service to your growth and happiness today? How can I evolve and how can I support your evolutioin so that we both live a greater vessels of love?
Good questions, huh?
Because without those questions, you “grow apart” which is a just a of saying that you stop caring enough to put in the work to serve each other into bliss, celebration and openness.
How do you grow attraction, intimacy and love? You approach your partner moment by moment with the above questions. And, optimally, you two have decided that your intimacy is meant to be an unfolding journey into greater joy and personal evolution – and your partner approaches you moment by moment with the same questions.
Know where I learned this? Jesus? Buddha? Nope. Marketing. I had this mini-revelation one day (though I won’t be founding a religion on it) that intimacy, entrepreneurship and spirituality are the same thing in different expressions. Here’s why: in business, if you think about your needs, your business will fail. If you stay attentive to your customer’s needs both spoken and unarticulated, and meet their needs, even in unexpected and delightful ways, you will have raving fans as customers and a very healthy business!
Intimacy, Entrepreneurship and Spirituality are first and foremost about being in service to your “other” – in fact, it is all about erasing the artificial boundaries between you and the “other” so that you can genuinely feel and experience what they crave, desire, need or cry out for. This is a theme I will be developing in future emails, newsletters, books, videos and workshops, so stay tuned. By the way – please send me your thoughts on this in any of the comments sections on the blog.
Love is an opportunity to give yourself away. Mother Theresa used to tell her workers, “let them eat you up!” Of course, you want to have a partner that is doing the same back to you… then you have a glorious feast. Pay attention to any prospective partner’s ability to give love during the day, in the smallest ways, to those they meet.
As I have written, “Love isn’t a slice of the pie. Love IS the pie.”
How You Chase Away Love #3: You Love Your Partner In The Way YOU Want To Be Loved
You know how you feel so loved when she whispers sweet words into your ears? But when you whisper them back, she would rather you wash the dishes and take out the garbage?
You know how you feel so loved when he buys you presents? But when you buy him presents, he seems to sulk – he’d rather be hugged or massaged?
There’s a reason for this – and again, it’s so fundamental, that most people miss it.
We all do not feel loved in the same way. One of the most important studies on enduring love relationships to have come out in the last few decades is “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. In it, he shows that one of the greatest indicators of enduring intimacy is the ability of couples to love each other in the language that the other one feels most intensely.
He found that there are five fundamental ways by which people feel loved: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Just because you feel loved when your primary love language is spoken to you by a lover, doesn’t at all mean that that lover feels loved when you speak that language to her.
Part of courting and loving another is learning who they really are – beneath the masks and outward show. And giving them what they most crave, not what you most feel like giving.
How You Chase Away Love #4: You Deliver a Broken Vehicle (Though You Promised Something “Showroom Ready”)
This may be the oldest damned truth in the love bible, but there’s a reason for it: it’s true!
You can’t really love a worthy partner well if you do not, on some fundamental level, love yourself first.
What does that mean? Does it mean that you think you are perfect? Exquisite?
Well you are actually – you’re perfectly you at the moment and yet you can grow more understanding, more compassionate, more open-hearted, less defended and less egoic…
Want to know how?
First – you accept yourself. You accept that you are an evolving being. One of the fun parts of being a parent is sharing truths you’ve come to by hard experience with your kids and seeing if they take hold. One of those truths I shared with my sons is that they are in their own movie – and everyone else is in their own movie. Everyone else is NOT watching your movie all the time! And those who are (siblings, parents) and acting like harsh critics need to pay more attention to their own movies! One of my favorite books is “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz, of “The Four Agreements” fame. In it, he articulates that beautiful distinction that you are either a dreamer or a predator. Most people are just dreaming up their reality day by day, informed randomly by parents, experience and DNA. Others are predators, attempting to control the dream-lives of others. Those people don’t matter.
Dream your dream on a daily basis, and wake up a little bit more every day. In your thoughts, you are always starting from right now. Past is past. Can you forgive a little bit more? Be a little bit more compassionate? Set clearer goals and boundaries for yourself a little bit more? Ease negative people out of your life a bit more? Of course you can.
There is a wonderful Buddhist tale aout about young monk who enters a monastery with a bag of poop, sits down and declares, “This place smells like poop!” and storms out until he reaches another mountaintop monastery. He sets the poop bag next to him and starts meditation and spits, “THIS place smells like poop!” and heads on and on and on.
Put down your bag of poop. Put down your past. All the mistakes and embarrassments. All the disappointments and cruel words. Step into your new life daily, releasing the poop of the past. You don’t have to carry it with you. And you are allowed to release the people who carry it for you!
The second way you refine yourself as a vehicle of love is — you become self-aware enough to know when you are projecting your own fears and self-criticisms onto your partner BEFORE you project them! It’s one of the saddest sights in the world – watching couples lash out at each other because they have not taken the time to do the psychological work or self-development work to understand that anger at their partner (in most cases) is just projected self-anger.
Your date, your girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife is not your parent, your ex, your failed God or your wounded adolescent self charged with the task of healing your pain. They are an evolving being, just as you are – and all your anger is just your high-chair tyrant way of saying that you demand that they be something or someone other than they are. With care, with curiosity, with compassion and with learning – you need to explore each others’ subconscious patterns – without defending yourselves – you can unravel all that is unconscious in each of you.
I guarantee, how you react to your partner is more often a reflection of your unexplored past rather than a fair assessment of him or her. This is the fun of intimacy and the glorious discovery of it all. This , ultimately, is WHY you want to be in an extended intimacy – to serve each other into deeper evolution, honesty, truth and joy. The road is rocky, but once you get there, the view is astounding – and infinite.
Again, if you are a man and are looking to let women know that you are not a cardboard cutout, but real sensually alive men, and how to show how they are connected to their families, their friends, their loved ones – so they do not seem like lone friendless predators, then watch my presentation here.
And if you are a woman and want to learn more about the 13 Victories (as well the 8 Signs of a Good Man), please visit The Right Man Online
Recently I asked you to fill out a survey on the best and worst dating sites. About 100 of you replied.
About 5 men said they hated them all they were all scams or didn’t work.
Well, nearly 20% of marriages happened off dating sites last year and everyone I’ve worked with who uses Deep Online Attraction has skyrocketed their success in attracting and meeting women…
… so the first lesson is – it works, if you do it right. If you do it wrong, it will not work. Don’t blame the messenger. Get Deep Online Attraction and approach online dating like a pro!
In giving you the results, I have filtered for rural, suburban or city dwellers – because it makes a difference. I noticed answers came in from Australia, India, Poland, Indonesia and Ghana and I have marked those where it matters.
My goal here is to give you the best and up to date info on which sites have lots of available women, and which don’t, which are easy to use, and which, not.
First let’s talk about the SCAMS and what to avoid…
Several respondents said that xxxcupid.com is full of con artists, fake profiles and full of people paid to keep you chatting and subscribing there. Others listed xpress.com, sexsearch.com, fling.com as sites that have lots of fake profiles. Some noted that the “teaser pages” that appear in emails have lots of nude photos that area probably mostly fake.
One respondent said that True.com was basically a scam and I have read that yes, they leave profiles up of people who aren’t there.
Another site to avoid is Mate1.com. Said one guy, “ Years ago I met someone local and had a great time. Now…Horrible. Inundated with Nigerian scammers wanting to chat. Or webcam site girls. EVERY single person I’ve chatted with or had correspondence with who was even remotely attractive turned out to be fake. EVERY one. I finally had to cancel and turn off their misleading emails. Horrible. Did I say Horrible? Yes.”
Sounds pretty horrible.
One member listed Flirt (again) and BeNaughty because there are a lot of scam accounts and if you contact webmasters over there they just ignore your messages. I hate sites that have crappy customer service. It’s usually an indication that something bad is up.
“Singlesnet.com. Some one has to pay and there is way too much *junk* to wade through.” This doesn’t surprise me, given their mass canvassing way of advertising. Added a second voice, “I don’t recommend singlesnet. Too many women in areas other than your own when you search. Its a site that doesn’t let you get specific in what you want.”
A big and consistent loser with at least five people dissing it, is Amateur Match. “It is a fake site that promises you people that do not exist. Just a money making racket,” said one and another guy said, “most emails are B/S, and you have to pay to reply. There’s no way to delete unwanted profiles. It’s a porn site masquerading as a dating site. Want to know for sure? Sign up and watch the emails dry up instantly.”
One guy said, “AmateurMatch and it’s sister site, Untrue, are full of fake profiles designed to lead guys on to keep them as members. I see this as someone exploiting a weakness in others for their own gain a most despicable practice and they should lose their access to the internet for life.”
Another said it’s “a totally fake site. Has not existent people listed on the site. It is just a money making sit that list people in Poland with big write-ups in English and unfortunately they do not exist nor is English spoken so fluently out here.”
Other sites mentioned for no interaction are the peoplemeet.com sites “as not that many women seem to check their mail or are actually subscribed to those.”
Zoosk…. was called “a bunch of fakes.” I myself tried it to see how it worked and it felt like a sinkhole of extra charges and they bothered me constantly with photos of girls I wouldn’t be caught in the dark with.
Another site noted for it’s pain-in-the-ass solicitations is PerfectMatch.
Which brings us to eHarmony. I have strong feelings about eHarmony. I think it’s expensive, it’s a pain to fill out the nazi-interrogation forms at the beginning and their vaunted algorithm has been proven to be phony. It’s a giant marketing scam.
One guy wrote, “eHarmony – it is, first of all, horrendously expensive. Its psychological profile to match you with compatible people is superficial and not very accurate. You have exactly two days to decide if you want a refund. You cannot even communicate with your so-called matches, at least initially, except by asking them eHarmony drafted questions.”
Another wrote… “EHarmony is like going through a interrogation to a crime. Some people don’t reveal their pic until the last stage of communication. Some of your matches given to you, you would run the hell away from rather than try you get to know. There are nice genuine girls there. the only disadvantage is most of them are looking to get married
It should be said, however, if you can stand the registration process which is long and detailed and IF you want to marry a traditional kinda girl – they are there in droves looking for a husband. So if that’s what you’re looking for, that’s a good place to shop.
Nevertheless, you might have to put up with some bs. Said one guy, “I broke out laughing when I got a response that they could not find any matches for me. Basically, their evaluation of me was that I was too good to be true. I saved a print out of their response. It is a *hoot*!”
Clearly he has gone through all my programs and IS too good to be true! ?
Millionaire Match.com “I did meet a girl that I am still casually dating from the site, but money is a central force in our relationship. My experience with the other girls on the site was similar… the girls want men with money even if they say differently.” Um, well, yes, the hint is in the name. Women there are looking for guys with cash and jobs – and if you don’t mind that as a filter, you can meet more attractive women there. Among the gold-diggers, you WILL find women who are sincere, they just want more established guys. I personally think you can do well there.
PlentyOfFish.com – :Lots of women on here, but very few good ones. It takes a lot of weeding through them to find someone good. The few good women on here probably get tons of emails from guys which makes it hard to stand out. They probably delete many messages without ever reading them. This site is free, which explains the large number of women here. I wasted too much time on this site.”
So yes, POF is a mass-site, you get EVERYONE there. One guy wrote… “plentyoffish – not bad, but the “do you have a car” question pretty much shows that it’s really not my demographic. I like successful women who enjoy their work, and I tend to find more “I got a job and it pays the bills” type women here. Also, fewer attractive ones by far. I still use it sometimes.
My opinion – yes. Have a profile there AND on OKCupid. Look, they are free and you never know who you will meet since everyone and her mother (literally) is there. I don’t think it’s a primary site, but it’s good to use as a back-up and a place to try out more daring profiles.
www.metrodate.com Almost everyone is a scammer. Don’t know this site, but wouldn’t be surprise.
UALadys.com, RULadys.com: “I wrote to several ladies and then “picked one” to communicate and build a relationship. I wrote 150 letters and spent hundreds of dollars on “translation” fees, only to discover that the girl in the photo that I had been writing to… who I did meet… never wrote me a letter and had not read any of the letters I sent. It was a scam. My thought – avoid Russian girl sites and Eastern European Beauty type sites in general. I have seen little but grief come from these sites! [One guy did comment that on UADreams the ladies are looking for more than flirting they will reply to all emails
One frustrated guy listed his role of losers: eHarmony – just plain crap, no choices, matches made for you are not what you’re looking for; Christian Mingle, same reasons, no way of knowing if your message is read or can be read, Zoosk always send ugly women and pays no attention to your personal preferences, same with eHarmony, all the same.”
Senior dating.com… “I’ve communicated with some really whacked out woman on that site!”
Mate1: One man said members’ e-mail addresses are blocked or deleted making it frustrating to communicate once agreement to continue correspondence is agreed.
And there’s a site called Badoo.com which got this review: “they take your information (profile) and send it to other members telling you; ____ want’s to know you! ( I know because I use 2 emails and receive my own profile to the other email account of mine)” So they basically lie to create a false sense of desire. The same respondent noted that “Hotornot.com is theame as Badoo.com, actually I think there are the same company”)
Discrete Sex Dates “has to be one of the absolute worst and not much more than a ripoff scam site. Though it’s impossible to actually measure, I would estimate that well over 75% of the profiles are fake and maintained by the site itself or paid profile girls who almost all share almost identical patterns of communication down to the language of the ’emails’ they send to encourage sign ups and keep guys hoping. I’ve yet to actually connect with any of about 40 who’ve sent multiple flirts and two line emails. Many profiles don’t identify even a city, many have no photos, the chat rooms are filled with the same dozen people almost chronically (85% are old men), the three or four females are also the same faces all the time. And emails to customer or technical service for several bugs in the programs and inconsistent access to standard features are always ignored and never replied to, even with an automated email acknowledging receipt of an inquiry. For a site with mostly fake profiles the images are at best of plain and ordinary looking women (possibly a strategy to make it seem more real). Waste of time and money. You’ll get fairly regular flirts and emails but after a few tantalizing teases that go nowhere, they will be replaced with new flirts and emails from other profiles that appear suddenly. Profiles reveal very little and there’s not a lot of space or information on anyone’s.”
So yes, avoid that one.
Christian much? One guy wrote in…
“I tried christianmingle.com but found it to be pretty fake too. And the few girls I connected with turned out to be either total snobs or head cases.”[If anyone has good experiences with any of the Christian sites, let me know and I’ll forward that]
Cupid was deemed to have a “poor selection” so you’re better off with Match, OkCupid of POF. Cupid had zero fans. The worst review: “ Cupid.com and all of sister companies. Girls Date for Free, Fling, CheekyLovers, and new ones forming daily. Not much information keep sending messages trying to get you to join. I am not sure but I feel like they use women to sell for them. I have seen the same women contact me from each of them.
Another hate letter was written to Untrue:
“By far the worst site is Untrue. Location of girls is changed to match where you are. i.e., I am in Canberra Australia and a message is received purporting to be in a suburb not far from you. This is perpetuated in their profile. Only when you receive a message back do you realize they are in California, Idaho, Kentucky or some other American state. Their response when questioned about the practice is that it generates interest (more likely to increase revenue). Also messages are extremely slow being relayed, up to 22 hours, if at all). Being aware of this, I feel they are old profiles from other sites. On a scale of one to ten rated minus sixty nine.:
XDating was dissed because “You can’t even read messages without paying.”
Chemistry.com, which is an offshoot of Match.com got a rating of rating 5/10; “I have been through several iterations of emails with them about the number of matches they send me that have no picture or are from out of state. This site seems to be a scam to make extra money – there is no control over what matches you receive”
Another respondent nixed Chemistry as “awful in my opinion. There is no “open” communication, you can only pick one of several preselected “ice breakers”, that are dorky and lame. And you have to send out about four of these annoying questions before you’re given the option to exchange emails. In dating you have to strike while the iron is hot but you cant on this site, you will find yourself playing the waiting game. Which often leads to the desire dying down before you get to showcase your personality.”
InterracialMatch.com – don’t know much about it, but according to one respondent, “it has a ton of members that don’t seem active.
Many people wrote that the smaller niche sites like athleticsingles.com were not helpful in rural areas. Just not enough women. One person liked the idea of Nerve.com – for smarty-pants – was a member, but stopped using it because no one was in the Pittsburgh area New York would be better for Nerve. Same with Fitnesssingles.com –
The bigger sites like Match, OkCupid and POF are better there simply because they have more to choose from.
So that’s the bad….
These Sites Got Positive Reviews:
Now let’s talk about the sites you liked and why.
The largest selection is found on Match, OkCupid and POF.
Match is the undisputed big dog. As many guys said, you get a higher quality and response rate “cause you have to pay for the site people take it more seriously.” Some guys don’t like the $35 fee but in my book it’s the best deal in the world – you can meet thousands of local women! I also LOVE the “more like her” button. When I was dating, I’d find an educated, creative , slim beauty and just keep hitting that “more like her” button and up they would pop! One after another. Can’t complain about that! At this point, it’s all in your hands. The door is open.
*in Hawaii, apparently, there are way more men on Match than women. Can’t
speak to elsewhere.
Of the two free sites, OKCupid nudges out POF because of the (sometimes annoying) questions in the application process. But the 4 Harvard guys who run that site are smart, involved and constantly improving it. I think it’s the future. Says one user,
“I recommend OKCupid and Plenty of Fish. Both are free, which is a major plus. OKCupid is the better of the two – the quality of the women is higher, and the questions and answers provide valuable insight into the relationship potential.”
POF is, again, the street level player – you will get everybody, pretty or not, healthy or not, sane or not – because it’s just free and where “everyone” signs up.
Here are some other recommended sites:
Asian.Beauties.com – Lots of ladies looking for Western men. I have gotten a lot of response and probably 50 ladies that I would be interested in.
FitnessSingles.com can be good if you live in an area where they have a significant presence and your activities fit with their inventory. Des Moines, Iowa is apparently a good place for it, so if you’re in a bigger urban area – might be worth checking it out.
AreYouInterested…because it has more people and easy to deal with..
www.amolatina.com Women are genuine, warm and serious about dating.
Fetlife: not really a dating site, more of a fetish site, but at least one community member has has gotten many dates from it.
Spark.com. Seems like the majority are aged around 40, but someone in Orlando has luck with it.
As I said above, eHarmony can certainly work if you want marriage. One guy tells this story…
“I met my fiancee on eHarmony a year ago. My fiancee was only on eHarmony for 1 month when we met. E-harmony asks you to complete a psychological test when you sign up and matches you with women that are a good match for you. People we don’t know are coming up to us and telling us that we are the perfect match. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, the women on e-harmony are more honest with their profile so you don’t waste your time with someone who is not a good match for you. BTW – our wedding is in December.”
Jdate – Jdate is the most popular site in the Jewish community, although plenty of non-Jewish people use it as it tends to attract a more professional clientele. As one non-Jewish member wrote in, “I like meeting girls who I can relate to on a cultural & intellectual level. Most Jewish women I’ve met have been well-educated yet also down to earth.” Some found the women “tougher” and “self-entitled.” I myself have used it many times, and have found a lot of success.
Singleparentmeet.com – got a couple of thumbs up for those in that playground.
Adult Friend Finder: it’s a site for sex, for quickies, for hookups. Guys said that there are lots of fakes but plenty of real women as well. Membership about $8 per month.
Sadly enough, says one guy, he had most success with AFF.
For sex, another guy says, “The best sites I have found are SexSearch, and XXXmatch. They have a good coverage of local girls, are prompt and reliable in their service and seem more genuine than others. Messages are passed promptly, with a majority of messages being received within a minute of being sent. They also provide you with profile photos of any girls who have viewed your profile, along with their age and city of residence.”
Badoo (HotOrNot), it is expanding in members and is good in my area Poland
The site that I recommend is SMIGGLE because you are happy any time you are connected with the ladies online.
I have friends who use
… all of which to great avail. There are many girls both in those countries and here, stateside, who are eager to meet a Westerner, for friends, for dates, for romance — and friends of mine have married girls off at least two of those sites.
Howaboutwe is good – in that girls are actually looking to go out on casual dates or hang out, yet are open to something more. Great in Chicago & Boston. It is an unusual site in that it opens you up to social activities.
Then we got a few replies about the sugar daddy sites.
Let me be clear about something – there is a whole variety of relationships available on the sugar daddy sites. It’s not all about pay for play. There are young women who are just looking for a guy who can afford dinner and treat them “like a lady.” Who can teach them things, show them new things.
SugarDaddy4Me is packed with attractive young women who have seen the show profiled on places like Tyra and figure why not turn their hot looks into a higher income bracket of dates. There are college girls and up, not all looking for a steady “arrangement” but are open to all kinds of things, from dates to having their bills paid.
Seeking Arrangement was recommended by a few respondents, “because what’s going on there cuts right to the specifics. Plus, I’m 46 and I like dating younger women. Women on traditional sites are to picky when it comes to age, and here, everyone knows what’s really going on and that’s why they are there.”
There is a new site called WhatsYourPrice.com where you can actually make a 40-100 dollar offer (generally) cash payment for dates. This is a really fascinating new site, built for “nerds” who are bad at dating or busy guys who don’t have time to mess around — who can get a shot at meeting a higher quality of attractive women. I have actually just written a book about this site, interviewing both men and women, and I can tell you that people take the dating seriously there. Money on the table makes women more incentivized to meet you. There are all types on the site, although the CEO kicks escorts off. If you’ve had a hard time getting women to write to you – first of all – get Deep Online Attraction and put it to use! Second of all, try What’s Your Price.
Shagaholic – was mentioned because most freaks have an account for this (not the live version). I’m not sure what means but I thought I’d mention it.
Tangowire sites are said to get more replies and better choices.
Speeddate.com is a great sight to put you right into the action with chatting with women. Its a good push.
Rudefinder seems to be the ticket in Australia, as one guy commented it’s “easy to find locals and there are plenty to choose from”
Tagged.com was recommended by one man because you can connect with people that are near in your area in an easy way.
Facebook.com: Everybody has a fb account, we can find (almost always) somebody there. A great way to start a conversation is to make witty comments on a girl’s post if you share a friend, and start a slow process. People don’t like to be hit on on Facebook, just as people don’t like to be sold directly. It’s a social place, so take it easy and build rapport.
Yangtu is another popular site in Australia. Said one guy – it is free and I have many women looking and making contact with me. – Australia
Craigslist – turns out to be a good hookup site for quickies, although not the best for long-lasting relationships. A few guys wrote in they had used it successfully for hook ups.
And there you have it!
If you have anything to add, please let me know.
Otherwise – get out there and get dating!
Again – I wrote Deep Online Attraction to give you an unfair advantage by helping you be DAZZLING online with your profile and your letters and responses. Get it.
To Your Best Life,
When online dating fist emerged, people hid behind their online profiles and trust was a huge issue.
Women were afraid of wolves in sheep’s clothing, as well as married men and of course, dangerous men.
As well they should be.
But things have changed. When any woman learns your name, the first thing she is going to do is Google you.
Take advantage of this.
Because some people still feel a little weird about online dating – as if it’s not part of the larger world (although everyone does it!)
Hell, one girlfriend of mine and I used to answer the question, “where’d you guys meet?” with the answer: “Mensa” and “a child sacrifice.” Then we’d look at each other and switch answers. Fun and funny, but mostly because people always try to hide where they met.
If you are a decent human being, then be upfront about your self-regard and make it work for you.
Write into your profile or into your letters the following type of line…
“Hey, I know online dating still feels weird for a lot of women, and I respect that safety is always an issue, so we can connect on Facebook or you can Google me. I’m proud of the life I’ve build and of my friends and social circles, as I’m sure you are. So feel free to write me and lets get to know each other like normal people.
If you’ve read Deep Online Attraction and follow the several tips on how to create trust (again – women are rightly cautious of meeting men online) then you will know what a crucial element this is in creating online dating success.
It’s just like any “business” – you have to think in the mind of your customer. What are her concerns? What are her hopes? What is she on the lookout for?
Be sure to build trust deeply into your profile. Feel “normal.” And of course – earn her trust and continue to be trustworthy.
It makes for a better life and a better world.
To get learn how to build an amazing online profile that conveys trust and gets women to write you – check out my program Deep Online Attraction – right here.