Part II: Play and Pilgrimage
(This is Part 2 of a 3 Part Series on “Burning Man as Spiritual Teacher” by Adam Gilad. Adam is an Emmy-Nominated producer and author and leader whose teaches how to awaken through freedom into love.)
You know it already – but if you are like most women, you forget it at key moments…
Men feel love – they “process” love – they “understand” love – differently than you do.
Tell me if this sounds familiar…
If you’re like most women, you begin to feel love blooming with a man when…
1: You feel a genuine connection – when you sense that he is unmasked and authentic and vulnerable and you feel safe to be the same way with him.
2. When you feel genuinely “seen” for the woman you have worked hard to become through thick and thin – and you feel appreciated by a man for the happiness and equanimity and self-respect you have achieved in your life, often through overcoming adversity.
3. When you feel “cherished” by a man, which includes (1) being adored for your loving heart, (2) respected for your mind and needs and (3) being made to feel physically and emotionally safe.
Sound about right? When I teach men how to win the right woman’s heart for the long term, I begin them with these three steps. And I give them the practices to make these beautiful feelings “real” – first for them – then for you.
But just as men have to remember that, as a breathing incarnation of feminine love, you need to be treated and cherished a certain way, so too must you remember, if you want to create lasting love, to treat and honor a man in a certain way.
Let’s dig in here for a moment – as this is a good introduction to the path into intimacy I teach in Intimacy University…
Men don’t need to made physically safe by you. They don’t need their “loving heart” recognized right away – although your recognition, once he trusts and values you, will help grow his loving heart (but until then, it won’t matter if you say it.)
Most men process “love” not so much by feeling as if they belong or are valued for their past or their heart but through three very specific filters.
If you can communicate your affection for the right man through these filters, he will hear you in ways men have never heard you before – and you will have a far greater likelihood of creating the conditions for a genuine love connection – one that will last beyond the initial “chemistry” phase.
Here are there three most important filters through which men usually understand and feel “love” from you:
Men’s Love Filter #1: Men Feel Status as Love
Men are fairly binary.
In any situation, in any game, a man feels that he is either “winning” or “losing.”
Baldly stated – if he feels he is winning with you, or can win with you, or you give him the right invitation so he knows it’s even possible to win with you – he will more likely try harder to be the man who earns and wins your heart.
I often speak of the 13 Victories men look for when they first meet a woman – and these are “make-or-break” signals you are giving off that alert him if this is a place where he can be his best – and win.
If you give the wrong signals, the best men will move on to be with someone who will support his best self. Where he will feel like a “winner” in life by having a girlfriend or wife who acknowledges and rewards him for being the good man that he is.
The opposite – a woman who takes him to task for not being what he is not – this is the worst kind of “losing” for a man on a day to day basis. It will crush his spirit and spin him into shame.
Men’s Love Filter #2: His “Body” Is The Bridge to His Heart
Too often women (and men) confuse the impact of the feminine on the masculine body as mere “sex.”
Not true. Your fragrance, your touch, your softness, the sweet electricity that runs through our men’s body’s when your loving hand caresses our heads, rests on our chests or gently strokes our forearms opens up entire circuits of emotional feelings for us. Circuits that often shut down until you open them.
It’s been said that the way to a woman’s body is through her heart. Until you trust and feel adored by a man, you generally don’t want to share your body with a man.
Well for a man, it’s pretty much the opposite.
The way to a man’s heart, to open his vaults of feeling and vulnerability, often only happens through his body.
Your body AMPLIFIES your emotional reality to us, and if you don’t use the full symphony of your body, men will often remain in a heady “tete-a-tete” with you and not be able to access our hearts.
And you will not feel a genuine connection. I can show you multiple ways to elicit a man’s “true and vulnerable” self through the bridge of his body.
Men’s Love Filter #3: Appreciation For His Actions
Too often women write off men’s need to feel “important” as mere ego. And yes, sometimes men operate on that surface level.
But what is operating beneath that level – and more consciously for the best men – is that men quietly yearn (even suffer) to be somebody’s “hero.”
In exact opposition to most young girls’ fairy tale hopes, men don’t want to be
your “Prince.” No man wants to be a boy. A son. Someone waiting to be King.
A real man wants, instead, to be your “knight.” He wants to feel as if he is doing battle to win your heart and deepen your devotion. He might be trying to be your hero by making a living, or fighting for a high purpose, a charity, a principle. He might be doing it in big ways by being of public service or in the smallest ways by changing your light bulbs, holding your umbrella or installing safety tape on your rainy back stairs.
In all these cases and a thousand more I will show you, he is literally seeking a reason to live. A reason for being.
And, as I show you how to do this – you’ll be well served to cultivate his heroic yearning…
It breaks my heart to watch so many budding romances collapse before they could take wing.
It breaks my heart to read your letters every day about lost opportunity and love weakened and lost.
It breaks my heart to read men’s letters to me almost every day asking why they can’t “connect with” or “be understood” by women.
Men and women are talking past each other – and ending up alone.
I want you to join me for “Intimacy University” where I show you step-by-step how to attract, open up, connect deeply with and cultivate the heroic devotion of only the BEST men out there.
The men who are seeking a woman to be a hero for. Who are seeking a harbor. A home.
If you have these “inside” secrets to invite the best of men into the best of committed, devotional relationship, you will not only have the love you seek, but you will bask in his gratitude and his devotion every day.
Because he will feel, in the game of life, he has finally won!
To Your Life of Love,
Why does anybody lie?
Because they are afraid of something. Actually they are afraid of two specific things.
And when we are afraid of these things, love and commitment is impossible.
Almost every day, I hear from women who ask why men lie on their profiles – about their age, their weight, even their marital status!
Because my goal is to alert you to the “red flags” of the wrong men, and to become a connoisseur of the “green flags” that the right men put out, let me tell you a few things that will help.
Crucial Tip #1: Not All Men Lie
Some men lie. Some women lie. I want you to never approach a date or a profile with the frame that “I suspect you are a liar.” That is one of the biggest turn-offs a man can experience from you.
Remember – as I’ve been driving home these last few days, men want to be your hero. If he is not a liar, if he is not sinned against you, your suspicion will feel like a dagger to his good will toward you. It will drive him back and away. So you always want to assume the best of the man before you. Innocent until proven guilty.
Now, you and I weren’t born yesterday, so we know we must still be alert. To give your heart and body to a man, you need to trust him.
Trust is the ground floor in the edifice of love.
That is why in Intimacy University, I give you small, almost imperceptible “tests” and “invitations” to bring out his truthfulness and authenticity. Asked right, men reveal their true selves. Asked wrong, men retreat into their defenses.
Crucial Tip #2: Men Lie Because of Shame
Listen closely, because this one fact can change your entire relationship to men…
Male shame is different than female shame. Because women generally glean your self-worth by the love, bonds and affection from your social and family networks, shame is not that big a deal to you. Lack of love hurts much more than a lack of “status” or “respect.”
For men, it’s the opposite. Because our social networks tend to be smaller, because our self-worth is grounded in our status, in our sense of winning (and not losing!), because we are acutely and painfully aware of “failing” in even the smallest ways, we tend to guard our faults and flaws.
Once he trusts you, he will reveal his vulnerabilities and inner doubts. But PLEASE don’t expect him to do that up front. Just as you need to trust him, he needs to trust you before he risks his inner feelings of “shame.”
I ask men in my work with them to be forgiving of you because you need to test their trustworthiness in a many ways – and I urge them to welcome your loving challenge.
So too I ask you to be forgiving of men if they hold back their self-doubts up front. Once he trusts that you will not judge or scorn him for “being human,” you will receive the treasures of his vulnerable and true heart
To learn more about how to do this, please watch this Webinar I just recorded for you…
Crucial Tip 3: Men Lie to Themselves [And Don’t Realize It Until You Come Along]
This is actually one of the greatest gifts you can give a man…
To help him see what he can’t – or wont – see on his own. Namely all the little lies he tells himself to keep his ship moving forward. This isn’t an evil. It isn’t an endemic and fatal flaw. It’s his way of keeping his chin up.
Think of men as “weary warriors.” Out there all day trying to “get ahead.” Involved in subtle, painful status games with his co-workers, his colleagues, bosses and employees. Feeling rejected by women who don’t give him a second look.
Most men are on a mission of some kind, even if it’s to make ends meet or try to do an honorable job.
A man is like a ship plying the waters of the world. That ship is going somewhere, and if the captain has to ignore the little leaks or paper them over in order to keep the ship moving toward its goal – he will.
It is often only in the loving embrace of a good woman that a man can stop and look at those leaks and really deal with them in a spirit of safety, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.
If you can be THAT woman – he will be so deeply grateful to you, that he probably will not want to let you go.
Commitment and devotion are HEALING processes. Let me show you how to heal the good man who deserves your heart – and in the process, heal your own heart as well.
I have compiled a “graduate school” level program called Intimacy University where you will learn all the secrets and practices of being THAT AMAZING WOMEN that all good men yearn for.
You can learn more about it and join me for this 5-week program here….
Or you can watch this replay webinar I made for you which explains more deeply what is blocking you from finding the right man for you and inviting him successfully into commitment and devotion.
I want you to walk… actually, to dance!… into a life of love with a good man.
The lessons and practices you will find in Intimacy University are your “magic key” – because they put you inside the mind of the best men – and teach you how to cultivate the love they are holding within into a lifelong appreciation and love for you.
To Your Life of Love,
Yesterday, I began to explain to you the exquisite process of inviting a man into his deepest desire, which is to be a HERO for a woman who supports, appreciates and loves him.
Without someone to love us and celebrate our wins – our lives feel arid and empty. Despite the show we put on that we feel proud and great. Returning to an empty house but not a true “home” with you is a plummet downward. And ultimately, sad.
But here’s the crucial thing I need you to know: men do NOT want to be your hero right away.
If you ask him to be a hero in your profile or on a first date, you will send him running. It will feel like compulsion, or a demand. And most quality men do not want to feel “compelled” into commitment – they want to be INSPIRED into commitment.
Here’s the three-step process and I urge you to follow it in its natural order.
Step 1: Invitations
Don’t demand. Invite. Invite him, with your eyes, and gestures as well as with your words to do little things for you – pull out the chair, open the door, surprise you with a plan for dinner or an evening.
Step 2: Reward
Then, when he does the thing you’ve invited him to do – let him know emphatically that it is a “win” for him. Reward him. The best and most effective reward that a man can feel from you involves your body.
I don’t mean throw yourself at him and rip off his clothes. Although, yes, I guarantee he’ll open the door for you next time if you did.
I mean cuddle up close. Stroke his arm. Give him a hug or a warm, slow kiss on the cheek. Let him inhale your beautiful perfumes, your sweet warmth and presence. Men, despite, the cliché, don’t just want sex…
We crave your feminine presence – up close. It warms us. It inspires us. And most importantly, it shuts down our clickety-click brains for a few moments and awakens our hearts.
Step 3: Reinforcement
Follow your “reward” with words of appreciation. Let us know how our actions on your behalf make you feel. Tell him you “love it when a man knows how to lead” or “I love how safe you make me feel” or “I feel so honored and adored when you ask me about my children. It makes me feel close to you.” And yes touch his arm, stroke his hair, brush your fingers along his palm as you say this.
I can teach you how to open the hearts of men as well as invite them into being your hero and into commitment – and more importantly – devotion.
It is a process, not a thunderbolt.
I walk you along this process in more detail , here in this webinar – which you can watch now…
This webinar, and my Intimacy University holds the key for you to get men to feel – in their bodies as well as in their minds – what a treasure you are – and what a victory it would be for them to have you in their lives.
Not merely for a date or two. But for a lifetime.
Watch the video now. I think you’ll see what I mean…
This is the most powerful truth I can tell you about men and how to invite them into making a devotional commitment to you.
Tomorrow, I’m going to tell you something equally crucial about “why men lie” – or don’t lie.
Remember, Intimacy is a skill just like anything else important in life. Treat it seriously. That begins with this webinar. Take notes! But more important, take action! If you want to learn more about how to join me for Intimacy University – then please go here.
If you want to watch the webinar, go here: The 5 Obstacles To Commitment And How To Dissolve Them (Not The Men, The Obstacles)
I get it.
You’ve been dating. You’ve been frustrated. Men don’t seem to be recognizing you for the beautiful, kind, wise, sensual woman you actually are.
And yes, there’s a reason they’ve not “getting” you.
My mission is to end your frustration and end the cycle of heartbreak.
And one of the swiftest ways you can open the door on this new era of love and tenderness and passion in your life is to recognize – and work with – the deep truth that men are dying to be your hero.
Not all men – but the good ones.
Despite all our outer bluster and paraded “self-sufficiency” – most good men feel empty if they are not in service.
We don’t want to be your “Prince.” That’s for boys.
Men want to be your “Knight.”
We want to conquer the world for you. Achieve for you. Win your praise and admiration and reward.
As a 3nd Century sage once said of the masculine condition, “If I am only for me, who am I?”
The answer: “diddly-squat”
…although I don’t think that term was popular in the 3nd Century.
If you have been following me or know anything about Intimacy University, then you know that I am a kind of “translator” between men and women.
Men need to understand the language of your heart – and act upon your desire for safety, cherishment, solidity and reliability.
And you need to understand the language of men’s noble heart – so you can call it out and make it sing – for you!
In brief, men usually don’t “seek” commitment up front. What they are seeking is to discover if their life will be better with you or not. If your presence in their life will feel like a “win.”
And at the core of that win, they need to feel that you support, appreciate and will reward them for their “core mission” in life. That mission could be work, creating a happy family, serving a social or political ideal, craftsmanship or even simply making a good living and having someone to be proud of them for that.
On a primal level, men need to be your hero.
If he feels as if he is your hero, his devotion to you will be mighty.
If he feels as if he is failing at making you proud, he will move on to a woman who is better aligned to his striving to make his mark in the world.
There are three steps to bringing out the Heroic Nature of men, and I will discuss these in detail tomorrow.
If you want to learn the whole story about how your celebrating his heroic nature – even in its smallest expressions – will dissolve the fundamental OBSTACLES to commitment that most men face with you – then please watch the replay of our Webinar…
As you will see in this webinar, there are three specific steps to take.
And if you’ve seen this webinar already, and want to join me in Intimacy University (while we still offer the discount rate), you can join here: Join Intimacy University.
To Your Life of Love,
p.s. I can’t underline the importance of this process of culling the hero in a good man which invites him into lifelong devotion. Please watch the video and I think you’ll see what I mean…
Recently, I received a letter from a reader who asked me if I thought it was a good
idea to put a “no porn” and “no strip-clubs” policy on her dating profile.
I think it’s a terrible idea.
First, because of the medium – online dating.
It’s its own ecosystem, and one in which positivity is far more attractive than
negativity. Because there are no other social signals like body language or facial
expressions, the emotion of your words get exaggerated, hanging out there in
cyberspace all on their own.
So I counsel both genders to emphasize what they love about their lives in their
profiles, what positive qualities in others they value – and in general to offer a
picture of how nice, warm, fun, enriching and loving it would be to share in your life.
Stick with positive messaging.
Unfortunately, that’s not always what happens…
Many women, frustrated by men who are over-sexual, under-empathic, rude,
demanding and offensive, tend to put up what I call “hey a**hole” profiles. That
is, profiles that sound like, “Hey a**holes, don’t write me if you are a player or a
mama’s boy or anything less than a real man!”
This kind of negativity chases away the good men as well as the mama’s boys.
So no, I say to the writer of the letter, focusing on what you “don’t” want is not a
policy I’d recommend.
If you know anything about the “13 Victories” that I show you how to evoke in your
online profiles, then you’ll understand why I might to suggest to her to take that
same desire and “flip” the emotion.
She could say something like, “I am the kind of woman who, when in a devoted
relationship, will make your life so happy and so pleasurable, you’ll look at other
men who depend on porn and strip-clubs to be as if from another species, because
you’ll be so happy at home.”
Now that’s a tasty morsel. Inspire him with the promise of a deeply devoted and
delicious sensual life at home that will leave him not only happy and fulfilled… but
That is a male fantasy by the way.
I don’t think most men “like” to go to strip-clubs or watch porn.
Yes, young men want to see what’s going on out there in the big, naughty world, and
driven by a high testosterone-count, will seek to sate their sexually hungry eyes.
And, when away from their wives and girlfriends on business trips, plenty of men
will group-travel to a strip club so they can have the facsimile experience of a
younger woman offering affection, stilted and rehearsed as it may be.
(Just as many married women will read romance novels to experience a vicarious
thrill and ritualized warm fuzzies)
For men and for women, we have our ways of allowing our endorphins to be
released, which is a pleasant if temporary vacation from the bills, traffic, anxiety,
bickering, competition and frustrations of the day (not to mention shooing away
intimations of mortality).
But I think it’s fair to say that most men consider a trip to a strip club or time spent
hunkered over porn to be a kind of “failure.”
A man would rather be with a real woman, a woman who knows and adores him,
who admires and supports him. THAT is the great victory in life for most men.
In the absence of that victory, a strip club or a porn video will provide the rush of
endorphins and serotonin that makes him feel a bit better about himself for a while.
But think about it…
The route outward from a porn or strip club experience is generally a tip-toeing
from the shadows, and then a cautious re-emergence into the familiar and well-lit
world of family, colleagues and actual love.
Rarely do you see a guy put aside porn and shout, “woo hoo! I am SO proud of
myself! I LOVE my life! I am “the man”!”
There is no triumph in it.
If we, as men and women, are to support each other and help each other self-express
and evolve into more aware, considerate, loving beings, it begins with empathy.
So, here’s my dose of empathy for the day…
Its important for you to know how much men crave the presence, aroma, touch,
attention and ultimately the appreciation, of the feminine. It not only makes us
merely “feel better,” it actually gives us the energy to go on. To do. To build. To
It gives us the mojo to do anything at all, really.
What I want you to know is that the reward for our labor is the surrender of your
smile and the lavishing of your attention (which explains why porn actresses are
instructed to look into the camera).
In fact, one of my teachers liked to observe that the modern day strip club is a
desacralized descendent of the old goddess worship temples – where men will
actually weep and cheer the ephemeral beauty that drifts out through the sinuous
movements of a woman’s body.
And, just as in days of old, men throw money as an offering of gratitude and
I want you to understand that this is real…
And that seen this way, strip clubs are less “filthy holes of sin” for sick men, and
more an outlet for men to feel in contact with and, in a temporary, staged but felt-
real way, wholeheartedly accepted by the feminine.
Sex is Communication by Other Means
When my sons were young, they asked why sex seemed so off-limits and made
adults act weird when it was discussed.
I told them that it was an area of our life that didn’t “make sense” in the social
structures – such as school and work – where we spend most of our time.
I told them is was a “wild” and “untamed” part of us where we felt and expressed
emotions that didn’t “fit” so much in other parts of our lives.
I would have told them that sex is messy, but having expended so much energy over
the years trying to veer them away from messiness, I didn’t want to associate sex
with spilled paint, clothes on the floor or chocolate on the walls (although, now that
I read it, that sounds like it could be a pretty sexy night!)
But sex is, definitely, messy.
Because humans are messy, despite our excel spreadsheets, traffic lanes and
To recast Clausewitz, I believe that sex is “communication by other means.”
And when our bedroom doors close, and our ordering social structures dissolve like
scaffolding turned to sand, all our raw emotions come burning through…
Fierce tenderness will express in tears and murmurings.
Old pains will be triggered and fury, regret, revenge and fear will express itself in
pounding fists and wild words, biting teeth and thrashing.
Repressed joy will express as demonic screams escaping from hidden cells.
Shadow desires will find expression in the search for exquisite pain or restraint.
It is unpredictable. It is explosive. It is dazzling and shocking.
All the colors of the human emotional rainbow will blind us in flashes of sexual
discovery and release.
Sexuality is not monochrome.
It is as varied as our full range of emotional reality. As such, sex allows us to feel
parts of ourselves that remain otherwise unfelt and simmering.
Which I celebrate, rather than excoriate.
I believe your and your partner’s sexuality should be explored with a hearty
curiosity, flavored by kindness and profound compassion, as well as by daring and
My sense is that the writer of the letter to me would rather that her future partner
not “need” or “want” the kind of sexual curiosity that makes porn or strip clubs
My guess is that she has had disappointing experiences with a man around this issue
in the past, which is why it hangs as such a red flag in her vision.
But rather than pre-shackle his imagination with a “no,” how much more delicious
and promising would it be to fashion herself into a resoundingly sexy and
enthralling “yes!” For him. And for herself.
To so embrace sexuality as a fluid vehicle of our humanity’s divine secrets and dark
corners so thoroughly that he would not even want to look elsewhere – or have any
energy left over to do so…
This is the path I recommend to all players in the monogamy game, men and
Be awesome! Be nuanced, sensitive, varied, exploratory, rigorously clear, playful,
true, fiercely honest.
And Yet And Yet…
Even if you were to make yourself the most skilled and thrilling lover who has ever
existed, your man, driven by millennia of stimulation-attraction, may still like to
look at a bit of porn now and then!
As the teacher David Deida has pointed out, and I’m rewording it here, if you offer
a man the choice between looking at a picture book of nudes – all of one woman,
even the most beautiful woman who ever existed, or his one true beloved – or on
the other hand a book of lots of different women – he will almost always choose the
Porn is popular. In fact, it’s insanely popular.
On principle, I think it is repressive and unrealistic to “demand” that a man not look
at porn, even when in a relationship, although you can certainly request it.
On the other hand, I think it is REQUIRED to set blazingly clear, mutually agreed
upon boundaries on actions involving other people – from simple things like what
kind of touching is appropriate all the way thorugh having affairs.
Clear agreements around the actions we take create the safety that allows intimacy
But I don’t believe that in intimacy, one should police another person’s imagination,
erotic or otherwise.
That said, there remains lots of porn that makes so many women rightfully queasy,
and I believe that men need to be sensitive to this.
For example, most porn is generally made by men for men who are not having sex
– so there is a lot of anger being acted out in those scenarios. What feels titillating
to men will often seem terrifying to women on a visceral level, often calling up
memories of abuse or experience of deep unsafety.
Second, in porn, the pleasure of the woman is almost always subordinate to the
visual completion of the man. And the connection that so many women crave from
men – tenderness, communication, eye-contact, intimacy, protectiveness, care –
is missing from most of porn’s sexual interaction, and tends to debase the whole
experience. Women find it difficult enough for men to slow down and smell the
roses (to say nothing of feeling the stems), without a kind of sexuality that dismisses
their needs and desires filling the brains of their guy.
Finally, and maybe worst of all – and everyone should consider that impact of this –
too much porn destroys the authentic intimate contact between people, because it
becomes the filter through which sex is so commonly experienced.
The viewer turns into a consumer and actual intimacy can come to be experienced
as yet another consumer event, a mirror of what has been consumed online. (Years
ago, Walker Percy among others explored this problem of the loss of authenticity
of experience across the board because of the ubiquity of consumer images, so the
problem is not limited to sex, but that’s another and longer discussion).
Human sexuality offers a varied and fascinating lens into what it means to be
human. Over the last couple of years, new studies such as “A Billion Wicked
Thoughts” have revealed, with massive amounts of data analyzed, what people
actually seek when they log on to look at sexually oriented sites. The book “Sex
at Dawn” shows how monogamy is not only not the human norm historically, but
rather an anomaly.
Because there is so much fear of the “messiness” of sexuality, this boisterous bull in
the china shop of civil society, we are still learning the basics.
So as we progress along this journey of self-discovery, I want to offer some food for
thought, that I offer as a springboard for your discussions with each other on porn
and strip-clubs and erotica…
1. Yes, men are more visual than women when it comes to sexuality. But
remember, just because he watches it, doesn’t mean he wants to do it. So if he
wants to see something kinky online, don’t think that he about to break out a
spanking new set of hoists and pulleys. Similarly, men watch Mixed Martial
Arts to “feel” their warrior hormones and armchair-strategize their imagined
victories. But they’re not going to put on the tight shorts and climb into the
cage with a bruiser. It’s vicarious pleasure, but it is real pleasure.
2. If a man looks at erotica, porn or goes to a strip club, it does not necessarily
mean he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t respect women or that he is
dishonoring you. Masculine sexuality is pre-programmed to be allured to
variety and to youth. If he wants to look at videos to temporarily feel his
inner virility, it’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t
find you attractive. Women often remind men that actions speak louder than
words. Well, it’s especially true here. If he doesn’t take action on his normal
sexual feelings by having an affair or keeping a mistress, but likes to look
from time to time, no artillery need be fired from your camp.
3. As Jung said, that which gets repressed, will be expressed. Repressive
sexuality is far more dangerous than expressive sexuality as “honor killings”
in some Muslim countries and the shattered inner lives of countless Catholic
boys will testify.
I find that the Vajrayana tradition of Buddhism, wherein every human
experience is a “yes” that can be raised to the sacred and nothing is pushed
away, offers an evolved and more humane approach to the “messy” parts
of our psyche. It accepts all instincts and tries to institute practices not to
repress them down, but to raise them up in service the good of all beings.
I believe that freedom is a supreme value, when one person’s freedom doesn’t
directly physically harm another, and individual’s freedom should be allowed by
others to flourish.
Freedom is neither pure nor purely good. It carries dangers and will often leave
feelings hurt and the status-quo threatened.
But it is far more dangerous – as well as a waste of the human experience – to
strangle other people’s freedom.
Within the context of intimacy, clear, mutually-agreed upon boundaries on actions
actually promotes a whole new realm of freedom.
So to the letter writer who inspired this response, and to women in general, I would
recommend that rather than telling men what they can’t do when they are on their
own, instead, advocate for yourself what you desire and be compassionately curious
about what they desire.
If he says he likes to look at what we used to call “naked ladies” back in the innocent
old days, gently find out why, and try to stay empathic to whatever needs or tastes
he may have. It’s not a rejection of you, and its not a predecessor of his taking
action. Again, remember, men also like to watch war movies, but it doesn’t mean
your guy’s gonna screen “Saving Private Ryan,” then don a helmet and go look
for “Krauts” to bayonet down at the local Wal-mart.
All cultural forms, including erotica and porn, give us all a chance to feel and accept
parts of ourselves that we normally don’t.
It is messy? Sure!
But as any theater-goer will attest, so is Shakespeare.
As any art lover will tell you, so is Picasso.
As any pundit will tell you, so is politics.
As any therapist will tell you, so is the human heart and all its hurts.
People are messy.
And we are each stumbling our way toward self-understanding.
And if that means that a man slips into a strip club now and then to contemplate the
wonders and the glory of the female form, or the suburban mother hurries her kids
off to school so she can dive into the shadowy anterooms of “Shades of Gray” before
putting on her pants suit for another day at work, rock on.
Let’s turn it all into raw material for our self-evolution, our sexual self-expression
and our deeper understanding of ourselves and each other.
You don’t get anywhere with women until they feel safe.
That goes for meeting them online and offline (more about that below) and equally,
for when you are in relationship.
And I want you to connect with how central this instinct is for you – and ultimately –
Simple, we, as men, are built, we are designed to make women safe. And women are
designed to feel fundamentally unsafe – and can only relax when they feel protected
by a man, by men or by a group.
On a tribal level, men “protect” their women from neighboring tribes and will often
kill over possession of a young woman. You can still see this – and certainly feel it –
in as common a place as a bar or after a sports event (just try to talk to a woman in
the other team’s jersey!
It’s primal. It’s a bit stupid in the modern context, but it still drives behavior.
The safety of the female (and keeping her in our circle) is wired in. In fact, any
anxiety felt by females sends us, as men, into hormonal fight or flight mode.
Lionesses will smell intruder animals before males do – and then an interesting
The males will awaken and spring into a sudden ring around the females before they
even know why. Like us, they are wired to protect the females and the young.
There is something beautiful and primally fulfilling about making women feel
safe. And I want to give you three areas in which you can experience this pleasure
for yourself – and at the same time – deepen both your connection and your
attractiveness to women.
IN THE MEATWORLD
Sometimes the smallest gesture can do it. Have you ever why we hold open doors
for women? It’s not only because old timey doors might have been heavy. It’s
because she is passing from one zone into another. On a mythical as well as a real
level, she is crossing a threshold, and we are escorting her within, in effect, “in our
care.” It is a gesture of saying, “it’s okay, it’s safe to enter/exit.” (which is a bit
weird, because we haven’t really checked it out yet. What if there’s a falling piano?)
In Instant Confidence With Women, I give you a whole selection of ways to make
women feel physically safe. Yes, doors. And yes, when you guide her up or down
a stairway, or across a street, or over a curb or any “transition space” – place your
hand on the small of her back or take her arm.
It may seem like nothing to you, but there is physical sensation that your woman
will get that you are taking the protective role on her behalf. And that feel good to
And here’s a tip to avoid something that feels BAD to her…
If you are talking in a bar or any kind of dark space, don’t “block off her escape
route.” You may not think that you are big and bulky but compared to her, you
might be. So you may not realize that she may feel “trapped” by how you stand.
When you stand opposite someone, it’s a challenging position.
So slip along to her side and look out at the world with her. Two birds on a wire
taking in the view…
… and not a wolf cornering a rabbit.
Do you feel women should trust you online?
I mean, YOU know that you’re a trustable guy, but how is she supposed to know
I remind men all the time who ask for coaching that if you had a sister, what would
you tell her about online dating? The first thing you would say is “be careful!”
Before a woman can be attracted to you beyond the physical level, she has to trust
you. Which is why you absolutely must include, in your profile, what I call trust
There are many things you can do…
• In your photos, include pics of you and your friends or you and your family, including your parents. It shows you are not some loner who lives in a Montana cabin with your taxidermified last girlfriend. It shows that you are social, are embedded in “safe” social groups – and therefore sends a strong signal to her that you are likely to be trustworthy.
•Include the first name of your sister, if you have one, which makes you seem more “real” and not just another profile on the page.
•Eliminate anything angry, especially anything angry you might have to say about women in general, women on the site, or especially, women from your past.
• Talk about a person, cause or event that inspires you and let her know why. A man who is called to improve the world is more attractive than a man who is simply “needy” and uses his whole profile to summarize his own accomplishments and interests.
• Raise her bar. If everything in your profile is true, say something like “Telling the truth and being authentic are the cornerstones of my life, public, private and in business. Everything in my profile is accurate, and my photos are recent. If you are the girl for me, then we already have something in common, and your photos and age are the truth as well.”
(There is a sneaky “rapport builder” in that post, as I slipped in the “we” word,
which is one of the most powerful ways you can create connection online with a
woman. Again, to learn a lot more how to succeed with women online watch this
IN A RELATIONSHIP
I’ve been doing a lot of research recently on how to raise intimate relationship into
a platform for sustained personal and mutual liberation, joy and awareness. I think
a lot of people like the sound of this, but very few people put in the effort to learn
how to do it – and even less energy on the practices required to make it happen on a
One of the most powerful ideas I’ve been working with is with “core vulnerabilities”
For men, it’s shame and the feeling of being inadequate. For women, it’s fear of
isolation, disconnection and abandonment.
And until we quell these for each other – no amount of “communication skills” will
Or as my friend Annie Lalla (David DeAngelo’s wife) puts it – you’ve got to
first “calm the animal” before you can speak to the higher self.
These currents run deep below our conscious mind, and in the program I am
working on about how to handle conflict, I’ll be giving you multiple and easy ways
to calm your woman’s fear of being isolated as well as her anxiety when she doesn’t
feel connected to you.
In almost all my programs, I remind you that if your woman is anxious or pulling
away from you, she is missing one or more of 4 feelings from you – she is not feeling
safe, sexy, special to you or feminine in your presence.
These are the four skill sets you are well advised to develop if you want to nourish a
long-term love relationships.
For today, let’s just focus on one thing you can do: help her feel safe in times when
she feels emotionally unsafe with you.
So if you notice her being snappy with you, or pulling away, or acting jealous or in
any way “striking out at you” – here’s a GIANT and effective technique to bring her
…detach your disagreement from “what” she is saying by being 100% in agreement
with the feeling that underlies what she is saying.
In other words – don’t challenge her on what she is saying.
Address the feeling below the surface…
Magic words include something like, “I get that you feel that I’m not paying enough
attention to you right now, and can see how much that hurts.”
e.g. – don’t argue with her feelings. Ally yourself with her feelings.
Without holding anything back or challenging the integrity of her feelings.
She needs to feel “safe” that you are on her side, that you are not walking away, that
you are not challenging her.
Show that you are on her side 100% emotionally (regardless of where you disagree).
And often, you will find that once here “animal” feels safe, her higher self will work
with you more easily.
It’s the foundation of everything else you want with women in your life – attraction,
intimacy, communication and devotion.
If you seek these things, then learn how to be the man with whom and around
whom a woman feels safe.
Remember, they are learnable skills.
And ones that will serve you throughout your life.
To your BEST life,
A gap exists in the world of dating, and I’m here to close it.
This gap is millions of miles wide, and very deep—a seemingly infinite chasm where many dates and relationships fall to their peril.
This gap/chasm is communication, and not communication like, “Bill doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore,” but more like, “I flipped my hair over my shoulder and batted my eyes while asking Bob if he could help me with this weird error message, and all he did was fix my computer instead of asking me out.”
Ladies, you must understand that men and women communicate differently. (I find it funny that I need to write that but I run into these issues time and time again with my coaching clients.)
What you see as very graphic levels of information conveyance, to men, is nothing more than white noise in the background of a Metallica concert.
It’s not that men are “thick”, as its often stated in the feminist magazines, it’s just that we’re grunting and hitting each other while you’re playing advanced levels of Pictionary—both very effective means of communication for their respective audiences, but not between the two.
So, be explicit.
No, we don’t need to hear that you love it when a man sprays his mojo all over your chest and hair—that is probably a bit much for most men and definitely not what I’m getting at here.
I’m saying that you should pay attention to how men communicate and attempt to reach them at whatever level they’re on.
If you’re at work and you’re trying to get Bill from IT to ask you out, don’t ask him to help you with that flashing error message on your computer screen. Unless Bill is a deep, sensitive man who picks up on subtlety (or one of my clients ;)), then it won’t matter how many times you bat your eyes or laugh at his silly Star Trek jokes—Bill is going to fix your flashing error message and get back to work.
We’re men. That’s how we think. We want to fix your problem. We want to be your hero; we want to save you.
So, let’s say you’re dating online, hoping to find the right man. You’re really into health and fitness, and you really want to make sure your man goes to the gym 5 days a week.
You’re going to giggle at all the women posting about men riding up on white horses and whisking them off into the shimmering castle on the hill. You giggle because you know that men never read those stories growing up and reading that on a woman’s profile will likely register a 0.0 on the emotional-connectionmograph.
Instead, you write:
‘Be still my sweaty heart’ if you’re into both pushups and Bulgarian squats. You get two gold stars if you know the proper grip for a deadlift. No slackers: there WILL be a test!”
Cute. Fun. Challenging. And in proper man-speak.
Learn the most effective way to communicate with men, and you’ve got dates on dates on dates. The only question left will be,
“Your gym or mine?”
Today, I answer an urgent question from one of our Right Man Forever readers who has successfully—this is a yay—found a man, and entered a relationship with him:
I am currently in a relationship and am happy about it but I’m kind of embarrassed to be out in public with him. He’s kind of chubby. I don’t want to tell him because I think he already knows and I don’t want to rub salt on a bad wound. I mean, I really like his personality and we’re hitting it off pretty well and I don’t want to end this relationship because of looks. Please help!
This is my answer to Mia…
Language is always my first clue…
What do you mean, ‘kind of’ chubby? What is ‘kind of’ embarrassed? Your use of this word modifier tells me that you’re probably a kind and sweet woman who doesn’t want to create conflict, but is nevertheless truly concerned with his weight and its effect on the lastingness of your relationship.
I don’t sense that you’re cruel about it or unnecessarily judgmental.
If he was chubby when you entered this relationship, and you subconsciously felt like you could change him, then I have to tell you, you’ve made a critical relationship mistake – and let me offer you my Relationship Mistake Commandment #37: “Thou Shalt Not Attempt to Change Thy Man Without his Consent.”)
Men will resist if you try to change them.
However, we will happily change when we are inspired by you.
You inspire us to clean our apartments in Usain Bolt-esque speed when the opportunity for coupling is on the horizon. You inspire us to put more hours in at work, to pay more attention to how often we’ve worn that shirt, and yes, to crank out rep after rep of bicep curls at the gym.
The keyword here is inspire.
Men do not like to be told what to do. Men especially don’t like being told what to do by women. Not directly, anyway.
If you want him to lose a bit of weight, inspire him into it. Go the gym yourself and come back sweaty and sexy and full of sexual energy. Let him see you cooking a storm of healthy dishes in the kitchen. Challenge him to join you for a morning run and tell him that you’re going to ‘beat the pants off of him’—and mean it.
He will see all of this and will want to change on his own.
Men need to feel like whatever is happening in our lives is a result of our own choices and actions. We want power. We want control. We want to believe that we are the captains of our own ships (even if we kind of know that you are secretly steering!)
Sitting him down for a “talk”, and telling him that he’s fat and that you’re embarrassed to be out in public with him…well, that will end your relationship faster than it took him to clean up his apartment before you came over last night.
But inspiring him to change, inviting him into an adventure with you, appreciating him for trying and complimenting him for even the smallest gains – you can make him feel as if the idea was his all along.
It’s my Relationship Commandment #1: “Thou Shalt Appreciate and Reward A Man More Deeply Into His Virtues.” That’s the secret to getting whatever you want with your ma FOREVER—whether that be a dozen roses or a candlelit dinner at The Four Seasons in Maui.
Food for thought.
I have to admit that my perspective on dating is a little skewed because I live in Los Angeles.
It is a land of transience, a wild, beachy, social pool of flimsy fashion and facial symmetry.
I often get asked:
“Why are men so timid nowadays?”
“Why don’t men approach me?”
“Why are men too cool for school and never have a plan?”
Another way of putting all these questions is, basically: “WHY AM I NOT GETTING ANY ATTENTION?!?!”
There are many reasons, and most of them start with “F” and end with “ear”. But that’s not what I want to talk with you about today. That’s an external factor. That’s about what men are doing and, more often, not doing. That’s external.
I want to talk about you.
Yes, you. You didn’t have to grow up churning butter in the Bible belt to have heard about something called The Golden Rule. Nor did your father need to be an ‘Om Shanti’ chanting yogi in an orange robe to have heard of this other idea called Karma.
Whether you may be philosophical or religious or neither, you are probably familiar with the idea of reciprocity, of give-and-take. And it applies to your love like this this: when you want something, give it, and you’ll find that you’ll often get it back.
You want to make more money? Be generous.
You want to be invited to more social gatherings? Throw a party and invite others.
You want attention? GIVE IT.
I love coaching women because I get many opportunities to shatter old belief systems, and help you understand men on a much deeper level. I love shattering walls of false belief, and here comes a big one:
Men don’t like attention.
Whaaaat? Where did that come from? (If I ever do run across that Marie Claire I’m going to give her a piece of my mind!)
Men love attention. We love feeling wanted. We love feeling needed. We want to be treated like a piece of meat. We love being taken advantage of…sexually.
Men loooovvvvvvve attention.
Not any attention, though, but a very specific kind of attention.
I’m sure you’ve heard a man complain about a woman calling him 10 times a day and how much it annoys him.
And while it’s true that we’re not like women in the sense that we want to talk on the phone (or anywhere) for hours on end, that same man would much rather have a woman call him 10 times a day than stop calling once and for all.
We like the right kind of attention, but attention nonetheless. Each man is different. I, for example, love having my woman exfoliate and moisturize me. Other men feel love when you cook. Or mend their clothes. Or buy them books you think he would love or gain from.
Its up to you to understand how your man—or the men that you’re attracted to—like to be communicated with, feel cherished.
I have a theory about men who have choice in dating. I can’t prove it, but I can tell you from my own experience that often, men of choice don’t go “looking” for relationship. We tend, rather, to back into when we realize how great our life is with you in it.
If you make a guy feel cherished according to how he feels cherished and if you show a man that you’re attracted to him, if you show a man that you find him sexy and irresistible, if you show a man that he’s needed in your life – that your life is so much better with him in it – chances are, he will reciprocate.
The right man will.
And if he doesn’t, then he’s not the right man for you. And you’ll need to go back out there and find the right man.
But won’t work is sitting at home, complaining about not getting attention from the right man, not getting any love.
So what do you want?
That’s good to hear.
Now give it.