I like to reminisce about my exes from time to time.
Note I used the word reminisce, which I like to think of as a happy word.
It’s better than mourn. Or resent. Or regret.
I choose to let go of the long hard disagreements at our favorite café that I no longer frequent, or the lifelessness in our conversations when we knew it was over.
I don’t merely try to linger on “things” but rather on the qualities, the traits of character that I was attracted to in the first place.
Because this is where love was born with them, and where it still resides. No matter what else happened on the bumpy roads.
It’s funny how we like to throw exes in the mix with Genghis Khan, as if all they did was terrorize us, trampling our farms and pillaging our stores. But exes actually nourished us, for good and for bad. They helped to create the roadmaps for us that will lead to more ideal and happier partnerships.
Yes, exes are like Google Maps for your future relationships.
So, as you look forward, think about the man you want to be with…
What qualities did your exes have that you still cherish, that you honor – no matter what else happened. Start adding those up. Start describing those qualities in as much detail as possible – and get them into your profile.
Make them your call to the universe!
After a breakup, you usually don’t know what you want; you just don’t want what you had. And that’s fine. It makes sense.
But there was something about him that you were attracted to in the first place. There was a reason – or set of specific reasons – that you two lovebirds settled upon that sycamore tree and built your little sacred nest together.
And if you allow yourself to leave behind the things of the past, the bitterness, sadness and disgust, what’s left is are those character road markers – directing you toward the love that is waiting for you.
This is not about you reminiscing over your exes in order to go back and “fix” what broke.
Nooo. You broke-up for a reason.
This is about using the information of your past to help build a better future. This is about going into the laboratory of your mind and heart—like some sexy Dr. Frankenstein—and assembling the man of your dreams, piece by piece.
Is there a “one” out there for you? Perhaps. It’s my opinion that are many right “ones.”
How will you know if he’s a right one?
Do your best to love the markers that brought you to this moment. Resentment is not a good look—and I promise you it’s not attractive to men.
Every ex may have broken your heart, but they’ve given you important gifts: road signs toward a better relationship.
Thank him for that…silently.
And look ahead with gratitude.
To better articulate the character qualities of the man you desire – go HERE.
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports,she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re
— Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
— Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
— Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
— Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with
– – Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kevin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit
her. — Vicki, age 10
In this world of FB friends who aren’t your friends, of chain-stores bereft of soul, of contact without true connection, disconnected politics and the corporate blanching of individuality – we are all hungry to feel unique. Individual. Special.
Maybe your family makes you feel special. Maybe your small circle of friends. But what about your lover? Does she make you feel special?
Equally – do you make her feel special?
Intimacy is THE place to celebrate a woman’s uniqueness. In your eyes, in your arms, she should feel seen and felt and held as she is nowhere else in the world.
Many men (and women) are driven by fear so they want their lovers to feel this way specifically so that their lover doesn’t dive into the loving gaze or embrace of another.
That’s not the kind of special I’m talking about.
I’m talking about making her feel special with positive actions for the pure sake of carving out a tiny place in space and time where she is the shining star, and the ONLY shining star in your sky.
In Deep Erotic Mastery, I show you how to do that with words and touch, with rhythm and patterns, with intentions and with actions.
Today, I want to remind you that yes, even with all these “high” skills, this process of making her feel special begins with some very simple, prosaic acts of care.
For example: get new stuff.
Get new candles by the bed. New lube. New incense if you use it. New washcloths aren’t a bad idea. If a woman is special, you might want to get a new set or robes or new sheets.
You don’t want to have pre-dripping candles on your bedstead. You don’t want to pull out that half-bottle of KY.
In the same way that her lingerie she bought special for you makes you feel like you’re opening a fresh chapter in a book, rather than flipping back through old soiled pages (yes, I enjoyed writing that), so too she will feel the happy charge of feeling special when she sees that you’ve made the effort to clear out the old to create a fresh space for her in your life.