You know it already – but if you are like most women, you forget it at key moments…
Men feel love – they “process” love – they “understand” love – differently than you do.
Tell me if this sounds familiar…
If you’re like most women, you begin to feel love blooming with a man when…
1: You feel a genuine connection – when you sense that he is unmasked and authentic and vulnerable and you feel safe to be the same way with him.
2. When you feel genuinely “seen” for the woman you have worked hard to become through thick and thin – and you feel appreciated by a man for the happiness and equanimity and self-respect you have achieved in your life, often through overcoming adversity.
3. When you feel “cherished” by a man, which includes (1) being adored for your loving heart, (2) respected for your mind and needs and (3) being made to feel physically and emotionally safe.
Sound about right? When I teach men how to win the right woman’s heart for the long term, I begin them with these three steps. And I give them the practices to make these beautiful feelings “real” – first for them – then for you.
But just as men have to remember that, as a breathing incarnation of feminine love, you need to be treated and cherished a certain way, so too must you remember, if you want to create lasting love, to treat and honor a man in a certain way.
Let’s dig in here for a moment – as this is a good introduction to the path into intimacy I teach in Intimacy University…
Men don’t need to made physically safe by you. They don’t need their “loving heart” recognized right away – although your recognition, once he trusts and values you, will help grow his loving heart (but until then, it won’t matter if you say it.)
Most men process “love” not so much by feeling as if they belong or are valued for their past or their heart but through three very specific filters.
If you can communicate your affection for the right man through these filters, he will hear you in ways men have never heard you before – and you will have a far greater likelihood of creating the conditions for a genuine love connection – one that will last beyond the initial “chemistry” phase.
Here are there three most important filters through which men usually understand and feel “love” from you:
Men’s Love Filter #1: Men Feel Status as Love
Men are fairly binary.
In any situation, in any game, a man feels that he is either “winning” or “losing.”
Baldly stated – if he feels he is winning with you, or can win with you, or you give him the right invitation so he knows it’s even possible to win with you – he will more likely try harder to be the man who earns and wins your heart.
I often speak of the 13 Victories men look for when they first meet a woman – and these are “make-or-break” signals you are giving off that alert him if this is a place where he can be his best – and win.
If you give the wrong signals, the best men will move on to be with someone who will support his best self. Where he will feel like a “winner” in life by having a girlfriend or wife who acknowledges and rewards him for being the good man that he is.
The opposite – a woman who takes him to task for not being what he is not – this is the worst kind of “losing” for a man on a day to day basis. It will crush his spirit and spin him into shame.
Men’s Love Filter #2: His “Body” Is The Bridge to His Heart
Too often women (and men) confuse the impact of the feminine on the masculine body as mere “sex.”
Not true. Your fragrance, your touch, your softness, the sweet electricity that runs through our men’s body’s when your loving hand caresses our heads, rests on our chests or gently strokes our forearms opens up entire circuits of emotional feelings for us. Circuits that often shut down until you open them.
It’s been said that the way to a woman’s body is through her heart. Until you trust and feel adored by a man, you generally don’t want to share your body with a man.
Well for a man, it’s pretty much the opposite.
The way to a man’s heart, to open his vaults of feeling and vulnerability, often only happens through his body.
Your body AMPLIFIES your emotional reality to us, and if you don’t use the full symphony of your body, men will often remain in a heady “tete-a-tete” with you and not be able to access our hearts.
And you will not feel a genuine connection. I can show you multiple ways to elicit a man’s “true and vulnerable” self through the bridge of his body.
Men’s Love Filter #3: Appreciation For His Actions
Too often women write off men’s need to feel “important” as mere ego. And yes, sometimes men operate on that surface level.
But what is operating beneath that level – and more consciously for the best men – is that men quietly yearn (even suffer) to be somebody’s “hero.”
In exact opposition to most young girls’ fairy tale hopes, men don’t want to be
your “Prince.” No man wants to be a boy. A son. Someone waiting to be King.
A real man wants, instead, to be your “knight.” He wants to feel as if he is doing battle to win your heart and deepen your devotion. He might be trying to be your hero by making a living, or fighting for a high purpose, a charity, a principle. He might be doing it in big ways by being of public service or in the smallest ways by changing your light bulbs, holding your umbrella or installing safety tape on your rainy back stairs.
In all these cases and a thousand more I will show you, he is literally seeking a reason to live. A reason for being.
And, as I show you how to do this – you’ll be well served to cultivate his heroic yearning…
It breaks my heart to watch so many budding romances collapse before they could take wing.
It breaks my heart to read your letters every day about lost opportunity and love weakened and lost.
It breaks my heart to read men’s letters to me almost every day asking why they can’t “connect with” or “be understood” by women.
Men and women are talking past each other – and ending up alone.
I want you to join me for “Intimacy University” where I show you step-by-step how to attract, open up, connect deeply with and cultivate the heroic devotion of only the BEST men out there.
The men who are seeking a woman to be a hero for. Who are seeking a harbor. A home.
If you have these “inside” secrets to invite the best of men into the best of committed, devotional relationship, you will not only have the love you seek, but you will bask in his gratitude and his devotion every day.
Because he will feel, in the game of life, he has finally won!
To Your Life of Love,
Yesterday, I began to explain to you the exquisite process of inviting a man into his deepest desire, which is to be a HERO for a woman who supports, appreciates and loves him.
Without someone to love us and celebrate our wins – our lives feel arid and empty. Despite the show we put on that we feel proud and great. Returning to an empty house but not a true “home” with you is a plummet downward. And ultimately, sad.
But here’s the crucial thing I need you to know: men do NOT want to be your hero right away.
If you ask him to be a hero in your profile or on a first date, you will send him running. It will feel like compulsion, or a demand. And most quality men do not want to feel “compelled” into commitment – they want to be INSPIRED into commitment.
Here’s the three-step process and I urge you to follow it in its natural order.
Step 1: Invitations
Don’t demand. Invite. Invite him, with your eyes, and gestures as well as with your words to do little things for you – pull out the chair, open the door, surprise you with a plan for dinner or an evening.
Step 2: Reward
Then, when he does the thing you’ve invited him to do – let him know emphatically that it is a “win” for him. Reward him. The best and most effective reward that a man can feel from you involves your body.
I don’t mean throw yourself at him and rip off his clothes. Although, yes, I guarantee he’ll open the door for you next time if you did.
I mean cuddle up close. Stroke his arm. Give him a hug or a warm, slow kiss on the cheek. Let him inhale your beautiful perfumes, your sweet warmth and presence. Men, despite, the cliché, don’t just want sex…
We crave your feminine presence – up close. It warms us. It inspires us. And most importantly, it shuts down our clickety-click brains for a few moments and awakens our hearts.
Step 3: Reinforcement
Follow your “reward” with words of appreciation. Let us know how our actions on your behalf make you feel. Tell him you “love it when a man knows how to lead” or “I love how safe you make me feel” or “I feel so honored and adored when you ask me about my children. It makes me feel close to you.” And yes touch his arm, stroke his hair, brush your fingers along his palm as you say this.
I can teach you how to open the hearts of men as well as invite them into being your hero and into commitment – and more importantly – devotion.
It is a process, not a thunderbolt.
I walk you along this process in more detail , here in this webinar – which you can watch now…
This webinar, and my Intimacy University holds the key for you to get men to feel – in their bodies as well as in their minds – what a treasure you are – and what a victory it would be for them to have you in their lives.
Not merely for a date or two. But for a lifetime.
Watch the video now. I think you’ll see what I mean…
This is the most powerful truth I can tell you about men and how to invite them into making a devotional commitment to you.
Tomorrow, I’m going to tell you something equally crucial about “why men lie” – or don’t lie.
Remember, Intimacy is a skill just like anything else important in life. Treat it seriously. That begins with this webinar. Take notes! But more important, take action! If you want to learn more about how to join me for Intimacy University – then please go here.
If you want to watch the webinar, go here: The 5 Obstacles To Commitment And How To Dissolve Them (Not The Men, The Obstacles)
I get it.
You’ve been dating. You’ve been frustrated. Men don’t seem to be recognizing you for the beautiful, kind, wise, sensual woman you actually are.
And yes, there’s a reason they’ve not “getting” you.
My mission is to end your frustration and end the cycle of heartbreak.
And one of the swiftest ways you can open the door on this new era of love and tenderness and passion in your life is to recognize – and work with – the deep truth that men are dying to be your hero.
Not all men – but the good ones.
Despite all our outer bluster and paraded “self-sufficiency” – most good men feel empty if they are not in service.
We don’t want to be your “Prince.” That’s for boys.
Men want to be your “Knight.”
We want to conquer the world for you. Achieve for you. Win your praise and admiration and reward.
As a 3nd Century sage once said of the masculine condition, “If I am only for me, who am I?”
The answer: “diddly-squat”
…although I don’t think that term was popular in the 3nd Century.
If you have been following me or know anything about Intimacy University, then you know that I am a kind of “translator” between men and women.
Men need to understand the language of your heart – and act upon your desire for safety, cherishment, solidity and reliability.
And you need to understand the language of men’s noble heart – so you can call it out and make it sing – for you!
In brief, men usually don’t “seek” commitment up front. What they are seeking is to discover if their life will be better with you or not. If your presence in their life will feel like a “win.”
And at the core of that win, they need to feel that you support, appreciate and will reward them for their “core mission” in life. That mission could be work, creating a happy family, serving a social or political ideal, craftsmanship or even simply making a good living and having someone to be proud of them for that.
On a primal level, men need to be your hero.
If he feels as if he is your hero, his devotion to you will be mighty.
If he feels as if he is failing at making you proud, he will move on to a woman who is better aligned to his striving to make his mark in the world.
There are three steps to bringing out the Heroic Nature of men, and I will discuss these in detail tomorrow.
If you want to learn the whole story about how your celebrating his heroic nature – even in its smallest expressions – will dissolve the fundamental OBSTACLES to commitment that most men face with you – then please watch the replay of our Webinar…
As you will see in this webinar, there are three specific steps to take.
And if you’ve seen this webinar already, and want to join me in Intimacy University (while we still offer the discount rate), you can join here: Join Intimacy University.
To Your Life of Love,
p.s. I can’t underline the importance of this process of culling the hero in a good man which invites him into lifelong devotion. Please watch the video and I think you’ll see what I mean…
War, said Clausewitz, is politics by other means.
Sex is communication by other means.
What does this have to do with my , bleeding, gouged forearms? Read on….
With sex, you can deepen communication, interplay, mutual understanding, exploration of daring edges and borders and hidden shadows.
Or, by contrast, you can “replace” communication by just banging away – never making contact, not talking, and it might as well be a blow up doll.
In our program, Erotic Mastery, we approach sexuality as a fantastic, wild, unpredictable opportunity for self-discovery and for discovery of your partner (s).
Because sex, offering perhaps the best, most vulnerable, most honest form of communication is like a landscape, a skinscape, a breathscape you create as you go. Like Harold with his Purple Crayon (and no, I’m not going to make the obvious joke and blaspheme that perfect book!)
If you want to be an artist of the erotic, rather than a plodding workman, then you develop your touch and talk skills, you learn how to lead a woman deeper into her surrender, into her orgasms. You take erotic mastery skills seriously and have utter control over your orgasm, (utter presence when you remember!) and the ability to meet her no matter WHERE she goes.
She can go wild mustang or she can burst into tears, tsunami’d by old memories or nascent fears.
Which brings us to my bleeding forearms.
So I was on a first date with a woman I met online. A delicate, cute little giggly, sensual thing – no more than 98 pounds. And we’re sitting at the Palomino, one of my favorite first date hotspots – because of the sensuous curves of the bar and the woodwork, as well as the deep, cushy seating.
And things are going well…
She’s laughing. I’m laughing. I touch her hands. She brushes mine. Then, about 10 minutes into touching, she slides her hands up my sleeves to the inside of my elbows and then RAKES HER NAILS DOWN THE INSIDE OF MY FOREARMS, while locking eyes with me.
My eyes flare, but I don’t move.
“So, Adam, how do you feel about… pain?” she asks.
“How about,” I answer quickly, “we start with pleasure tonight and then maybe work our way into pain.”
Sex as the unexpected. Where our daily social selves drop off like silk robes, exposing our secret selves. Our secret desires.
And… our secret strengths.
The point: be ready for ANYTHING. For her pain or yours. For her deep emotion or yours. For her sudden closure or yours.
Ride it like a light boat on the ocean – responsive to whatever arises. Unattached to anything that arises. Opening INTO the moment rather than fleeing, no matter how much surprise, or, in my case, how much blood.
My question to you today: what is the MOST UNEXPECTED thing that has arisen during sex for you? From you or from your partner? What did it bring up for you? How did you respond?
And what do you have to teach this community of men, so that we may continue our own growth and our ability to serve and open and be “a real man” for the women in our lives?
Leave your comment below: what is the MOST UNEXPECTED thing that has arisen during sex for you?
What is the difference between lovingly claiming a woman and carelessly “conquering” her?
Because from the outside, it can look like the same thing. The dance of seduction can be either a delicious tango or a disguised shove over a cliff..
Maybe it’s the seasoning of years. Maybe it’s the weariness of witnessing people’s pain. But the whole of idea of “conquest” of women has grown distasteful to me.
Maybe it was distasteful all along, but I just didn’t see it as clearly.
And, at the same time, the appeal of lovingly claiming a woman has grown in me. The ability to take her safely into my arms and my heart. To guide her, both as mirror and messenger, into her own deeper self-love. Love of her body. Love of her dreams. Love of her uniqueness. Love of her own ability, as a woman, to be a bodily vehicle of love. Not just to me, but to her family, friends, pets – really to everyone she encounters. A breath of fresh air. A recharge. An inspiration.
When you conquer a woman, you take something from her for yourself.
When you claim a woman, you give her something of yourself. You give her safety, if even for the moment alone. You give her your care, your strength, your penetrating insight into the best of who she is and you give her all your aggregated abilities (mind, body, spirit, communication) to nourish her like a seedling so that she may bloom open in your presence.
So that she can feel her body as a flow of something divine and beautiful beyond her day-to-day self. So that she can feel her heart as a conduit of love and surrender, unguarded and unashamed. So that she can feel you as a harbor where she can dock or bobble in the waves.
A harbor that remains open at the mouth. A harbor that holds her from love and care but does not entrap her from fear.
When you seek to conquer a woman, you create a victim, something that is necessarily “defeated.”
When you claim a woman, you enlarge yourself. You create gratitude. You create love, both in your own wounded heart and hers.
And both of you win.
This is the difference between sexual predation and erotic mastery.
This one is easy, guys.
If you want to create an environment of erotic charge – don’t focus so much on the perfect restaurant, the cliché roses, the horse and carriage.
Those are all nice, yes, but if you REALLY want to create an erotic soup in which she and you will swim – focus on HER.
Notice her earrings. Especially if they match her eyes (or if anything else matches her eyes).
A friend noticed that his cute dentist was hot because her air conditioning was out, so as the novocaine wore off, he went to CVS and bought her two big fans and returned with a cute note.
Um – he didn’t even have to suggest the date. She did!
And when you are online dating – pay attention to those little clues about who she is.
One of my coaching clients told me during one of our Boldness Code Weekends that he met a girl named “BellaStella” on Match.com
I told him, great! Pay attention – bella stella means “beautiful star” – so take her to the highest rooftop restaurant in town because you wanted this beautiful star to be close to all the other beautiful stars.
Cheesy? Said in a leisure suit, yes! But otherwise, it’s romantic and THOUGHTFUL. Because you thought about her, you gave her your attention and your presence and you CREATED something to give her pleasure.
And THAT, my man, is the heart of eros.
Pay attention – and create from her hints and details.
She provides the materials.
You be the artist of her imagination.
And also, before and after.