Sloppy Kalis and Bypassing Shivas…

Adam Gilad
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I met a woman…


Wild. Almost feral.


“I am the feminine storm!” Her hair was wild. Her eyes like a straining horse. “And your job is to handle it.”




It was a practice for me.


It’s a funny thing about me – and most men – it seems.


We love a good challenge.


Spit in our hands.


Bring it on!


I did my best to take her barbs. Her slaps. Her admonitions when I would say something in public she didn’t like.


Until I called it quits.


Here’s the issue…


Braving the “feminine storm” is a great concept for men.


It’s grounding.


And ennobling.


Until it isn’t.


Because while “the feminine” may be a storm – full of lightning and sudden winds and miraculous beauty and rainbows lighting up the sky…


A flesh and blood woman is not a storm.


She’s a PERSON.


And a PERSON self-reflects. Self-corrects. Amends and heals inner darkness and triggers.


An evolving person engages.


An evolving person in relationship reaches out, cares for him or herself and for their partners.


Cares and repairs.


With as much courage as possible.


I met another woman.


She said “promise me you’ll never hurt me. I’m done with being hurt.”


Another pipe dream.


And I went and hurt her.




Not because I meant to or wanted to.


But because I was unconscious, scared and at the starting line of a whole new cycle of self-knowledge, repair and growth.


Intimacy MEANS you will get hurt.




Intimacy MEANS you will hurt your partner.




Not because you or your partner is awful, but because he or she is imperfect.


As are you.


But because you will get triggered and defensive at some point, as will your partner.


And this – if the transgression is not too great – is not where things end…


This is where the sacred dance begins…


Person Kali gets to lay down her sword and ask not “why do you disappoint me so with your ego and unconsciousness” but also “why else am I so deeply affronted.”


Person Shiva gets to relax from the winds and the arrows being the rock – and just be. He gets to ask not “how much can I offer by withstanding Kali’s fire,” but also “What does my fire need so that I live my one, true life?”


As Voltaire wrote, “To learn who rules over you, simply notice who you are not allowed to criticize.”


As long as we are alive and awakening, we are never done being hurt.


As long as we are alive and awakening, we are never done hurting.


As long as we are alive and awakening, our hearts will be broken.


As long as we are alive and awakening, we get the privilege of caring and repairing for our own broken hearts and the hearts of those we love (as far as they will allow it)


As long as we are alive and awakening, we are on a journey of both healing the past and growing our hears wider and deeper into the future.


As long as we are alive and awakening we get go grow from (1) wanting love, to (1) being “in love”…


To (3) living as love.


As best we can.


Until we screw up again.


And begin the next cycle.


With that broken heart….


With courage.






Spit in our hands.


Brush off our knees.


I can’t go on.


I must go on.


If you want to join me on this journey of learning to be brave, true, vulnerable, fierce, forgiving, passionate and loving with a partner – and get 4 video classes a month from me – try out out Smart Daters Academy for only $1.   You will get over 50 video classes FREE when you join the co-ed discussion there.

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