If you are like most men, you crush the infinity of your heart and your imagination into crumbs…
You register for a dating site and pulverize into dust all the joy you have brought to others and offer granules as you…
You bury all the wonder that has ripped your heart open while standing on clifftops and offer a few dull lines as you…
You forget all the laughter you have shared with friends, all the love you with which you have cradled your parents, your siblings, your nieces and nephews…
You list job titles. Drop stale bookmarks that merely prove you’ve been here.
You crank out your life-stats, bored as a half-drunk sportswriter sleepwalking toward retirement. “Been to 13 countries. Likes Thai food. Soccer on Sundays.”
And out there…
… sneaking a peek on her desktop between time’s dull drip of the nine to five, her soft eyes brush your profile pic, your “name” – 1Lawyer35, Scubaman, Brian9373 – her heart sinking as she struggles to conjure from your meager offerings a pulse, the embrace of your warm arms from her motherboard…
… lowering herself into the cold chair at her kitchen table, cat on her thighs, CNN droning from the next condo, unfolding her laptop, scrolling from profile to profile, searching for dark eyes that might cherish her, or the mischief-flash of daring that might whisk her out of the dim grid of Minimalls, strap her into a bright life-vest and take her skittering like river-dolphins across the churn of whitewater…
…her heart breaking every morning as she opens her eyes, remembering the face that once beheld her from the next pillow, his slight grizzle, a promise of safety, a harbor…
… convincing herself, convincing her friends, convincing her parents, “I’m “ok,” no I’m fine, no I’m happy, I’m busy, I’ve got my friends, I’m running another marathon, don’t worry about me…”
… while in truth…
… her heart is BREAKING to welcome a man like you into her arms.
Into her bed.
Into her loving heart, which workaday pant-suits and rules have imprisoned with as iron a lock as any medieval chastity belt ever locked away a woman’s virtue.
She is waiting for YOU, but…
Which “you” do you bring to her? Her – luscious, loving, yearning, waiting. Like a typhoon could waiting for you to release her.
How are you going to pick the lock over her heart and unloose the torrents of love she has stored up for you?
Which “you” reaches out through the fiber-optic to connect all you are, all you have been and all you might ever be – to all she is, all she has ever been and all she might bloom into being within the embrace of your care and support?
Can you stop hiding yourself away? Can you give all without fear of shame or being too vulnerable, too much or too little?
Can you give all because that’s what you are?
Can you give all because that’s what she’s waiting to see, to hear, to feel?
A man who offers himself, fearless?
We hide our true dreams like childhood toys in tin boxes… even though women spin into delight when you awaken their imaginations.
We hide the mighty edifices of our strength of heart, of body, of service, of great dreams – because something hunched away in us is afraid someone will ding them with the BB guns of their pettiness.
Why succumb to smallness?
If you want a magnificent woman, the kind who is a torrent of love and passion, of laughter and joy…
Then do not bring yourself to women in finger bowls and inboxes.
Because you will only end up with women who bring themselves to you measured out in coffeespoons.
When there are so many women – out there – who will drench you in their love.
Bring them in from out there…
If you lead with your doubts and your constrictions, that’s all you will get back in return…
Yesterday, I spoke over an hour with a man among you who is a powerhouse of brilliance and service to the oppressed of this world, and he broke my heart.
Because with all he had to offer, every five minutes, he returned our discussion of the love he wants to find in this world to his looks, which he believes to nearly prohibitive.
Women don’t care so much about the shape of your face, they care about how you bring your face to the world — open, expectant and curious or half-hidden, half-shamed, half-defeated.
Women don’t want to be “picked-up,” they want to be UPLIFTED.
Which “you” are you bringing to women?
I can tell you.
I can tell you by the quality of women who are responding to your offered “you.”
If you give big passion, you draw big passion.
If you bring your love of life, you get drenched by women’s life-love in return.
If you dribble yourself out dry as playing cards, that’s all she’ll deal back to you.
Is that all you want?
Do you want more?
Then listen to Emerson in “Give All To Love”…
Give all to love;
Obey thy heart;
Let it have scope,
Follow it utterly,
Hope beyond hope;
High and more high…
The great game of great passion from great women is not for the meek…
‘Tis not for the mean,
It requireth courage stout,
Souls above doubt,
Do you want to live a life half-lived?
Do you want to be loved by a woman only half-loved?
When you offer your full heart, you draw a woman’s monsoon steam.
When you give up a life-by-halves, you create a life in full.
Emerson closed that poem…
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.
And so, my friend, do the goddesses!
To Your Best Life,
I woke up this morning with a sad thought that was – at the same time – a thrilling thought…
You, me, all of us — we are Ferraris of love, but we sputter along, wanly half-combusting like rickety Yugos.
We allow our days to click by in petty distraction, half-hearted effort, in bills and show and small-talk and excuses and unoffered affection.
We are Great Fusion Generators of Love, but as we walk the sidewalks, eyes searching; as we tread our offices, hands full; as we drive here and there, sealed by metal and glass into our secret hopes — we dare spark only specks of the love of which we are capable, husking our grandest dreams in shame.
The hard animal of your body yearns to press into the soft animal of hers…
To awaken in the morning…
To rest your ear between her pliant breasts and hear her heart thumping life into your skull like a giddy idea…
And into that steady Taiko sweetness, you want to whisper back, “yes” and clasp her closer still.
You know this to be true.
That there is no shame in love.
Think about it…
If a face can launch a thousand ships, what might a woman’s soft belly against your cheek, the swooping hull of her hips under your fingers, her gentle rises and gullies under your lips – what might these inspire in you?
We set our bars too low…
We sneakily shorten the baselines when the lights go down. We lower the rim to 7 feet so we can imagine our little slam-dunks are glorious victories.
We tangle ourselves in workaday tactics to feel okay about ourselves, to get through the day…
We ask… how can I make more money? What can I do to rise in my organization?
And we ask how do I get that woman to pay attention to me…
Which is more like, “how can I get that magnificent live, flowing, liquid sculpture of sudden dimples, sodden lips, aromatic neck, silken arms and simmering, molten passion wrapped in that strapless black dress to just pay attention to me?”
Too low, boys.
Why set your eyes on dwarfed victories. Just to get her to “pay attention?” A kiss? A phone number? Mere acceptance?
Is that really all you want?
We inch down the gridiron, clawing forward one blade of grass at a time…
We blinder ourselves with lower gear comfort, one calculated tactic-click at a time.
Yes, tactics can help…
But the strategy is love.
You are selling yourself short.
Think about it…
Imagine her for a moment…
When she returns to her place alone at night again, still redolent of hope’s perfume on the nape of her neck again, as she sadly turns the key in her front door latch again, trudges across her floor again, drops her clothes on the bathroom rug again, showers alone again, body-washes her tender skin again, slips into something satin and climbs into her cold, lonely bed again….
When a woman has collided with your and every man’s tactics all night again, half-hearted intrusions like dulled spears again, buffeted by your empty, sex-hungry eyes again…
… what do you think she yearns for?
Another brittle man of tactics?
She yearns to wrap her arms around your chest and weep in gratitude, in relief at being bathed in your love…
She yearns to finally let go and be carried like a rag-doll on the big wave of your love…
She yearns to be ravished back to liquid in the unbreakable embrace of your love.
She yearns for you…
After you’ve shed your calculating tactics like a clattering cloak.
Naked. Unhidden. Unguarded. Fully offered. Everything you’ve got.
So she can give you everything she’s got.
To quote one of my favorite lines from Entourage, – “is that something you might be interested in?”
Today, in the quiet of this moment, as you sit hear reading, I ask you…
How much love can you offer?
How thoroughly can you clear the fear-gunk from your Ferrari engine and love at full-throttle?
When that sexy devil in a blue dress sees you from across the room…
… laughing with your friends
… engaging that old gent at the end of bar who just wants to talk
… grabbing a door for that woman you don’t even know
… what will she feel about you?
When you stop to rustle the neck-fur of that anxious dog leashed to the parking meter…
When you stand for justice – whether on a global scale or simply stopping your buddy from being an asshole – and do it from love…
… what will she feel about you?
When you devote yourself – from love – to your art, your ambitions, your goals and do something admirable in the world…
When you are the man who gathers friends, who owns his authority, who makes the effort to introduce, to help, to give resources, to be the bringer of bounty rather than to try to suck up attention….
… what will she feel about you?
When you, in relationship with your woman, feel the heat of battle coming on – and you deflect the coming carnage by gently, firmly bringing her back to love…
… what will she feel about you?
Take this day to see beyond tactics…
Remember, raise your eyes.
The strategy is love.
On your grand quest for extraordinary women in your life – the tactics, the words, the body language – that’s all scaffolding to get you off the ground…
… but the goal is to soar.
In an early dating profile, I wrote, “Love isn’t a piece of pie. Love IS the pie.”
You can’t slice off a piece of your life for intimacy and hope a woman will surrender her heart’s devotional fire to you.
You give love freely. Fully. Generously. Creatively. Moment-by-moment.
So I ask you…
Why settle for a peckish kiss at the end of evening, when you can smelt your hearts into lava?
Why settle for acceptance when you can shimmer in her devotion?
Why settle for feel-good when you can shoot for conjoined bliss?
I want you to give all you’ve got…
I want you to unleash your woman’s passion, and be ready to receive all she’s got.
I want you to (re)discover the bottomless wells of your love.
Screw what the callow say, there is no shame in being a loving man.
There is no shame in offering your wounded heart to a worthy woman to tend and soothe.
There is no shame in being the sun that burns love outward without the demand of payment.
Women are SUFFERING.
They are suffering because you keep your best self hidden.
Today – take a break from the ratchet-tic life of tactics and calculations.
Today – allow yourself to love without bounds.
Today – emblazon the world with your unbidden love.
Offer the POWER of your love like a man who knows he can give and give and give – and not diminish his stores by a drop.
Take the world into your arms, as one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver says, in her poem, “When Death Comes…”
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
Raise the rim high…
Pedal to the metal…
And see just what you, a man, thrumming with love at full throttle, are capable of…
To Your Best Life [And To The Extraordinary Women You Will Attract]
Steve was fat.
Steve was slovenly.
Steve’s tee shirt was stained and hung out, higgledy-piggledy, over his belt.
Yet he was irresistible to women.
Steve, star of the movie, “The Tao of Steve” gives this advice: “Be excellent in front of women.”
But lets take that idea one step deeper…
It doesn’t mean you can be excellent as just anything. To quote Dave Attell, one of my favorite comedians,
“Here’s something you’ll never hear: ‘as soon as I saw him ride up on that unicycle, I knew I had to have his c**k in my mouth.’”
Yes, it’s better to be excellent as a singer-songwriter or a fire station captain that riding a unicycle to attract women.
In fact there are 7 AREAS OF EXCELLENCE which you can hone to increase you MASCULINE APPEAL to women.
I say “masculine appeal” because these 7 categories will make you, in her eyes, more trustable, more leaderly, more exciting, more sexually confident and more powerful.
I often talk about “pushing your edges” in each of these categories, but today – Super Bowl Sunday – I want you to think them as areas of your potential EXCELLENCE.
Because the excellence of a Brady or Manning is a BEAUTIFUL and COMPELLING thing to behold.
I want women to experience you as beautiful and compelling. Maybe not with 22 sweating behemoths grabbing at you and rolling with you in the grass for a Sunday afternoon – as appealing as that sounds – but in 7 Key Areas of your life…
I want them to feel you as steering your ship through the world as your own man, and nobody’s bitch!
I want them to feel your drive to excellence in these 7 key categories, because it will MONSTROUSLY improve your success with women…
In short, I want to see you…
1: Emotionally flowing outwardly rather than sucking up energy like a black hole.
2: Physically energized, fit, informed and vital
3: Socially networked and curious
4: Sexually skilled, confident, attentive and creative.
5: Financially on the move
6: Intellectually judicious and thoughtful
7. Spiritually connected
Now, take a breath. Get some water. Here’s a deeper breakdown…
1: Direct Your Emotional Flow Outward
To what extent are you a walking “wound” or a walking “gift”?
How much are you a victim – angry, sulking, complaining, reactive – or how much are you the king of your realm – wise, measured, curious, responsive, light of spirit, worry-free?
So many men (and women) drag the twenty ton weight of their past like vast concrete humps. Angry about being betrayed or unfulfilled, they are ever-self-birthing Quasimotos, gasping for the oxygen of outward approval. They greet each day with resentment, bitterness, negativity – and, sadly, wastefully, are unable to allow the tenderness of love the chance to wander in through the front door, pull up a chair and stay awhile.
By contrast, a man with emotional discipline – who doesn’t suck attention to his damaged ego like a black hole that can never be filled, who collapses when challenged, who furiously stirs his victimization like a beloved, though bitter, stew – a man who grows his emotional life with discipline will be a magnet for love.
How much are you that man – free of the past, optimistic about the future, GRATEFUL for being alive in the present – so that you actually allow women to feel safe, sexy and special in your relaxed and attentive presence? That allows women to feel, if even for the first time in their lives, the (equally flawed) wonders they are?
2: Increase Your “Social Sexy”
Your social world is an indication to women of your “resources” as much as is your money or your job or your bodily strength. A man who has a reliable social network has back-up, has friends – and this demonstrates – on a primal level – to women that you are a good bet. That you’re not alone in the world. That peeps got your back.
How do you increase your Social Sexy? Two ways…
First, be interested and you’ll be interesting, and people will draw to you. Be genuinely curious. Be generous with your time, your praise, linking people to each other and to resources they might value. Connect with people. The most complete guideline to how to do this is found in Week 9 of our Guaranteed Girlfriend Program, which is a detailed training on how to overhaul your life to attract the highest quality women into it.
Second, take action – be the hub of a social circle rather than just a hub on someone else’s wheel. That
3: Get Physically Vital
Women obviously find guys sexy who are lean and fit. They also admire men who are vital and full of energy.
The two key things you need to do are
(1) shed unwanted weight – and again – this is my favorite method – by Mike Geary – and the other thing to do is to
(2) build muscle. And there are many great ways do to this, but check this one out… by Jason Ferruggia
But the third element is truly LOVING YOUR SELF AND YOUR LIFE enough to commit to eat better, to work out, and to craft a body to match your highest self- image. If you are carrying shame or fear or low self-regard, you probably won’t be able to keep to a regimen, because you won’t think you’re worth it.
After these past couple of weeks working with men during my coaching sessions, I can see that “self-love,” which is something most women’s dating and relationship coaches focus on, is something that we men need to cultivate more of.
To rest in the knowledge that you are good enough. That you don’ have to prove anything to your parents or those assholes in Jr. high who gave you a hard time.
I’ll be writing on this and bringing you more resources, but, in order to connect to your inner confidence, your best “short-cut resource is Instant Confidence With Women.
4: Be Financially Dynamic
Women do want you to be financially stable. But they also are TURNED ON by men who are building something in the world. Are you training yourself to be a greater leader in your field? Are you growing your skillsets, increasing your worth, augmenting the value you provide through your work?
In other words – are you a man with a plan? A man on the move?
You may not know this, but I started my career on Wall St, and I’m a continuing student of wealth creation and preservation, as well as entrepreneurship. I’ll let you know when I find programs that can make you richer. I look at everything, and I’m a big fan – a BIG fan – of using this new globally networked economy to build your own business, if even on the side – to increase your wealth and autonomy.
5: Be Intellectually Admirable
This one is simple. Women look up to men who know shit.
Again – unicycle mechanics – maybe not so much.
But your wisdom about how men and women relate, on how people think, how they sabotage their lives, how they grow spiritually –- all good. Your knowledge about the body, about food, about cooking, about how things work around the house and how to fix them – all good. And of course, if you can pontificate about higher level things like global economics or neurotransmitters – that’s often cool to your women in company, although not if you cant CONNECT with her emotionally around the issues that truly matter between the two of you.
Cultivate your knowledge, your capabilities, your judgment, your worthy leadership.
6: Sexual – Are you Skilled and Present or Fumbling?
Can you confidently lead your woman through the rise and release of sexual bliss?
Can you tenderly penetrate her heart and her soul as deeply as you penetrate her body?
Can you beat the national average of 7 minutes between penetration and ejaculation?
When you KNOW you have sexual skills, you carry yourself with a new level of confidence.
Get the skills.
If you consider yourself in the 1-60% of sexual experience and confidence, I think one of the best (and most entertaining) ways to learn how to be a skilled lover is 2 Girls Teach Sex. It’ll keep your attention, that’s for damned sure.
If you have more sexual confidence and experience, my program, Erotic Mastery is packed with advanced teachings, but I’m rebuilding the site right now. There is another program which I think is absolutely amazing too – deep and powerful and spiritually sophisticated – and that’s Alex Allman’s Revolutionary Sex.
I consider Revolutionary Sex essential reading for the advanced sexual man. Check it out.
7: Be Spiritually Inspiring
What does that mean? It doesn’t mean you wear beads, stand on your head or say the word “Jesus” in every other sentence. Although you’re welcome to.
Whatever your tradition – and we have tens of thousands of men in this community – Moslem, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Neo-Pagan, Shamanistic, Atheistic, Hedonist, Yogic, Epicurian, hell, I’ll be there’s a Zoroastrian or two out there – and frankly I don’t care what you BELIEVE…
I care about one thing – because whatever your traditions, these, to me, are the core of a spiritual life, and are electrifying to the highest quality of evolved women…
First, do you cultivate your connection, your non-dual identification with others? With other people? With living creatures, with life itself. Do you cultivate kinship or do you cultivate separation?
Do you cultivate nurturance or do you cultivate abuse? To put it in universal terms, do you cultivate love or do you cultivate fear. Those are your moment-to-moment choices, no matter which random tradition you happened to be born into.
Do you labor under the small illusion that you are a body apart? Or can get past the surface dance of a consumerist culture and access the boundless wealth of your inheritance? The love you received as a child, the air you breathe, the beauty around you, all this f*cking amazing technology (!), the unbidden kindness of strangers, the scent of a woman.
Is your mouth something primarily to devour, chew and produce shit to shit out the other end?
Or is it equally a source of wisdom, of guidance, of wit and joy, of tenderness, of creativity, of infinite licks and kisses, of the gifts of your knowledge, your care, your ability to give love?
Are you a black hole sucking up and crushing the energy of the world around you, sucking up and crushing the delicious sweet and savage love that women bring you?
Or are you the sun that shines energy into the world, the blazing heat of truth when needed, the warmth of nurturance when called for, the steady light of your purpose, no matter what petty distractions or illusions arise in the moment?
… are you that masculine presence who can bathe your woman in wisdom, strength, and direction?
Ask yourself – which do women want from you? Which type of man do women CRAVE?
Which are they tired of?
Today, Superbowl Sunday, brings us a type of excellence.
And it gives you a chance to reflect on YOUR excellence.
Being the kind of man I want you to be means you are committed to excellence in some area – or even all 7 of these areas – of your life.
You know where my vote is.
Last night I was getting ready to head out into the twangy night of Austin’s singing streets, and I was listening to one of my favorite comics, Louis CK.
He was talking about how a guy in the next seat on his flight was furious because the plane’s wifi was taking a few seconds to download a site on his laptop. “Damnit!”
Louis was incredulous at this!
This guy is flying through the sky in a CHAIR! He is angry at something that he didn’t even know existed five minutes ago!
In Louis’s most iconic line, something that sums up our time with crystalline purity…
“Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.”
Let that sink in.
Everything IS amazing – and available to you. What are you going to CHOOSE to do with that?
I want you to know something…
Right now, right this second, you are MASSIVELY supported in your desire for a happier life – for love, better sex and fulfillment.
If you were born 100 years ago, you’d probably never leave your hometown except by force and to get shot at by foreign people who didn’t even step on your Nikes.
Romance? You’d probably have to marry the fat-cheeked girl down the street who your parents approved of, and who you got to see in the few hours of your life that wasn’t clotted with labor or taking care of the arduous daily duties of keeping a household going.
Sex? Depends on how much money you had, but it would likely be a combination of the occasional shame-filled quick-work of making babies in the dark and a grotty, tumble with a pocked, diseased prostitute.
You have the whole of human knowledge at your fingertips!
You want to learn a new skill? Go online and learn it!
You want to find meet and enjoy women? Then read these emails, invest in yourself by getting my programs, be bold and try anything and everything! See what you can accomplish. See what fits your personality best.
Oh yeah, and sift through the 100 million women looking for men online!
You want to be an extraordinary lover? Treat that goal like your MBA or Law School! Dig in and get serious! Sign up for a local erotic massage course. Invest in the kinds of programs I identify as best.
Wake up your body in 1000 ways to all the colors, aromas, sights and music of the world that are available to you and be a truly sensual man. Be a SURPRISE, a GIFT to any women who earn the right to touch you and be touched in return.
Right now, for you, everything IS amazing.
Let other people not be happy, they don’t know better.
But you – YOU – especially if you want to draw extraordinary women into your life, in you want women to hop on the RIDE of your life – then invest in your joy.
In your JOY!
“The time of life is short;
To spend that shortness basely were too long.”
Right on, Willie. Correct as always.
So instead – and this is my constant call and challenge to you – rise daily into CHOOSING to spend your life diving into joy!
Do you know why I sit down to write you almost daily? Do you know why I spend months of research crafting the practices that fill my programs for you? Do you know why I have chosen this path as my life work?
Because every single letter I send to you, every research study I pore over, every book I read, every interview and conversation I have about how to create love, how to create better lovemaking, how to make women laugh and inspire them by living an ever-increasing inspired life… IS MY JOY.
It informs MY life. It makes me a better friend, a better lover, a better man.
It didn’t start out that way…
At first, it was because I was so SAD at suddenly being single. I was so WORRIED that no one would ever love me because I felt as if divorce made me a life failure. After so many years of being married and unhappy, I had no idea how to try to “make a woman like me.” So I dove into learning what to do…
And I discovered that I had it backwards.
This part of life isn’t about “making women like you.”
Just the opposite – rather it is the honor, the pleasure, the adventure of living your life in such a way that you inspire women into fierce, reckless surrender – JOINING you in the amazing opportunity you have every day to dive deeper into joy.
Take her hand and dive in tandem. She is waiting for you to do this…
I discovered early – through the infinite delights that a well-crafted online dating profile created – that our world is a FEAST OF PLEASURES!
Pleasures of the flesh. Pleasures of discovery. Pleasures of opening women to their own hidden beauty. Pleasures of serving those whom I love. Pleasures of breaking through into new realms of happiness.
And, yes, the pleasures of being able to share what I have learned with you.
The pleasure of watching you open up during my bootcamp weekends to the powerful men that you are.
The pleasure of helping you drop the heavy, sodden cloaks of “I can’t” and watching you step forward, introducing yourself to women, creating new social circles, charging back into the world with new tools, new confidence.
And new joy.
EVERYTHING IS AMAZING!!!! You are alive briefly.
I, my expert teacher/friends, the internet, Kindle, iTunes, the sun that rises every dawn, the soft, aromatic women you pass every day whose hearts are breaking to be appreciated, seen, loved, touched…
… the world has your back.
The world offers you joy in a billion ways every second of your life.
It is up to you choose to dive in.
Keep diving in with me.
This year we are going on an adventure.
Stay open to what is possible…
… and keep your hand open so that you may gently, firmly take her delicate fingers in yours…
… and dive into joy together.