What I Learned About Confidence
So, over the last few months, I’ve immersed myself in the study of confidence. What is it? What causes it? What makes it sturdy and what makes it brittle?
Here are a few of the key lessons I learned:
1. You Do Not Have To Actually Be Confident To Act With Confidence
A lot of men are recovering. We stumble, like drunks a bit after divorces, after harsh breakups, after the slings and audits of business bumps. We launch into life at 2o with visions of triumph and imagined ascent.
Then life actually happens. And we aren’t the superman we thought (or hoped) we were.
Confidence isn’t a thing you acquire and hoard. It’s something you earn. And you earn it bit by bit, by doing one thing: taking worthy action.
In my program, Instant Confidence, I put together over 70 practices that any man can actually DO – not matter how lousy he may feel about himself. And by doing them, he builds his confidence. Another brick that that wall. There are small actions – things you can do for your neighbors or family. There are conversational techniques to add value, when women don’t expect it, or to open her imagination and fantasy life, when she doesn’t expect it – or to take her deeper than she may have expected. These are not hard to do – but the impact of them WAKE women up to your grounded confidence.
2. Confidence is a Loop Not a Lookout Tower
You don’t “get” confidence then look down on pitiful humanity. You take an action that is a gift, an offering, a bestowing of your resources and power (as a confident man naturally does). What results is almost always respect, gratitude and regard – and guess what – that feedback is as important for building your confidence as the act itself. Confidence is a happy feedback loop. The more you take the actions outlined in Instant Confidence, for example, the quicker your ascent.
3. She Cannot Follow If You Do Not Lead
So many men ask me how to “get” a woman to feel or act in a certain way.
I counsel DIRECTNESS. If you want her to kiss you, kiss her. If you want to ask her on a date – tell her what your plan is and invite her to join you. No games, no dancing around, no supplication. If you want her to hold your hand, take her hand. If you want her to experience a sunset, drive over there, put her in your car and go watch the sunset. Everything you do for a woman must be delivered as a gift from you, the bringer of power and resource, not as a request.
Women generally DO want a man who leads.
So you have to lead with your body. Slow her breath by slowing yours.
You have to lead with your conversation – ask open-ended questions that take her deeper into her sensual reality, or her emotional experience of life. Listen closely, even if you are looking away, reflecting. Pause when she finishes. Mull a moment in silence. Don’t jump on her sentences.
You have to lead with your social life – show that you are the HUB of your world, a leader, a giver – rather than a spoke on others’ wheels.
Each of these actions that you take, all outlined in detail step-by-step in Instant Confidence, super-charge your confidence feedback loop.
And nothing, NOTHING is more attractive to a woman than a man who acts and lives with confidence. Not faked.
Earned. Day by day. Act by act. Learn the secrets of confidence here.
P.S. Leave your thoughts in the comments section! I want to know what you think – and I want the other guys to get the benefit of your experience.